Furious Gopher's Blog

Farewell, Furious Gopher

2008-11-07T04:10:00.001-08:00

After several years of mayhem and destruction, Furious Gopher met his demise this morning at 4.23am.

The exact details of his passing are still being pieced together, but authorities are telling us that he died protecting a new-born kitten from wolf attack.

RIP Furious Gopher

Britain is Fucked

2008-10-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve been watching this series recently on BBC iPlayer called “World’s Strictest Parents.”

I generally avoid watching television programmes altogether (I don’t even have a working TV) and always steer clear of that dreaded superlative:

“World’s Wildest Police Chases”

“100 Fattest Children”

“Britain’s Deadliest Hedgehogs” –the list goes on.

But in this instance, the programme is pretty good.

Two unruly British teenagers from two different families (who spoil them rotten and have no discipline) are sent every week to live with another strict, traditional family in a foreign country. Invariably they arrive and are shocked by the “strict” routine of their new parents. (–Is forbidding alcohol to under-18s “strict”? How about refusing to allow sluttish/debauched behaviour?)

The programme should actually be called either “World’s Most Disgusting Teenagers” or “Britain: World’s Shittest and Least Civilised Country”, because the programme isn’t about strictness, per se, but more about how badly most children are raised in the UK. The overwhelming message of the programme is that if you give your children lots of expensive stuff, establish low expectations of them and allow them to behave like wankers/sluts/knobends then you’re probably in for a rough time.

Every family in WSP, without exception, has been loving, encouraging and proud of their children. In every instance the teenagers have left humbled and changed (though the BBC probably achieves this deliberately by engaging in a degree of editing, or even scripting, of the programme for the purposes of that dreadful expression: Good TV) and with a healthier life view.

Grotty British teens have been shipped off to Alabama, Ghana, Jamaica and India so far. The parents in these places have been strict, sure, but they’ve also been good parents. For my part, I couldn’t get through a week with most of these kids without flipping out and mangling their limbs in a lawnmower, so credit to them.

What’s really impressive is how good the schools have been, particularly in Jamaica and India. The teachers are inspiring and human; their lessons are not patronizing and more reminiscent of University lectures than classrooms in the UK. There’s an overall air of warmth and dignity in these schools and I find myself being rather envious when I watch this show that I didn’t have the opportunity to go to one of them myself.

Ultimately, Britain is fucked. That’s the message I get, not just watching World’s Strictest Parents, but just walking around the streets of this island, looking at them in their jewellery and their makeup and their “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and their belly-fat and all the other telltale signs of a failing race.

I gazed with admiration and awe at the diligence and intelligence of the Indian kids, hard at work in their school (well dressed, respectful, attentive, articulate) and thought to myself that it’s no wonder that country’s booming at the moment and surely they deserve a shot at the kind of wealth we’ve had in the UK (and taken for granted) for over a century? They deserve it, man.

The really sad thing is that some of the British teens sent overseas appear to have real potential, but they’ve been let down by their own society, families and educational establishments. I don’t see it getting better, either. I think in 100 years time we’ll all be sliding around in the mud with too many mouths to feed and zero literacy whilst the Indians and Chinese rule the world.

And I say: let them do it, I’m convinced they’d do a better job than we, The West, ever did. And the "World's Strictest Parents" is just another reminder in an ever-increasing list of quite how badly we fucked up.

The Geek Files

2008-10-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not envious of the office receptionist, not really anyway.

I have always thought of a car as a means of getting from point A to point B and very little else. I've been through three cars since I passed my test (1 write-off, 1 head gasket and one complete engine, clutch and gearbox meltdown) so I'm a little jaded -you never really own a car, you just "hire" it until it's too expensive to repair and then you move onto the next one. That's my philosophy anyway.

I tend to feel smug and superior in the company of people who go on and on and on about their vehicles like they're the only thing worth living for: for me life is too short and money too tight to "invest" in expensive automobiles.

So I drive a three-door Ford Fiesta 1.3l. Not unlike this one:

My bro describes it as "the little red roadster", which is kind of cute. The car has virtually no pulling power, but I'm of the school of thought that if you have to pull with your car then you've probably got quite a small cock, so I'm not all that concerned about the dweebiness of my car just as I am quite comfortable with my masculinity. The Fiesta is bright red and has 41k miles on the clock. Should last a few years and it's easy to maintain, so what the fuck?

Still, the 19-year-old receptionist ("Baby Wookie" to us) drives an Audi TT, which whilst being slightly gay, is definitely a bitchin' ride. this confuses me: I might not earn a lot, but I know it's more than a receptionist -so what's going on there? not that I care. Honestly.

So where am I going with this? Well, I'd like to discuss all the cool shit I've decked out my ride with. A humble car it may be, but I've definitely made it my own. Here's how: First up, I have a bumper sticker:

This is Cornwall after all, we like our pirates. I got the sticker in Penzance; and whilst being extremely funny it also serves as a safety device; warning drivers behind me of what I'm likely to do should I see any saucy wenches.

Next up, I have a badass roof-rack, for getting my surf kayak from beach to beach and river to river. It's completely awesome and rock solid. Occasionally a passenger of mine might stand up too quickly when exiting the vehicle and get clipped round the head with it, but otherwise it's completely rocking.

My kayak almost matches my Little Red Roadster in colour and, weirdly, in shape.

Blasting around the country lanes with that rig is, in my devestatingly educated opinion, far more awesome than prancing about in an Audi TT.

Next up we have all the wicked shit I use on the road.

I have a Hewlitt Packard SatNav, which is robust and simple. I don't like to rely on it (any more) so I also have an up-to-date AA road map with me at all times. Everyone should know how to use a map, but every now and then (driving in central London or any large city you don't know so well) a SatNav can be really handy. Maps are good at telling you where you should go, SatNavs are good at telling you exactly where you already are.

I have an old-school MP3 player, which holds 40GB of my music at any given time, and also stores album art (and other pictures) and plays videos. It's chunky, like a little black brick, and I attach it to my dashboard with a Velcro pad.

The input for charging my MP3 player is exactly the same as the input for my SatNav, which is probably the most useful thing to have ever happened, anywhere, to anyone ever. Long journeys when the SatNav is fully charged, I swap the charger to the MP3 player and I have perpeptual music and navigation. Sweet.

The MP3 player plugs into my extremely humble sound system via either an FM transmitter or a tape-deck converter, depending on my mood and the availability of fully-charged AAA batteries.

Next up: my power system. I became enraged when my cigarette-lighter power output cable broke (well, the fuse went) so I decided to think laterally and invested in a Belkin "AC Anywhere" 300W power inverter, which I'm planning to fit with straps in the passenger foot well, like a fusebox. The device means I can charge my laptop, phone or MP3 player/SatNav with their standard three-pin chargers without ever worrying about those pesky in-car adapters. Awesome.

So that's my tech stuff pretty much covered, but there's plenty of other stuff I always have in my car, just in case:

1.) I keep an oil rag wedged between the air filter pipes under my hood. This means I always have something to wipe off the dipstick with when checking my oil. This might sound obvious to most people, but it's extremely handy and many thanks to "the G-Man" for teaching me that.

2.) I always have my Exponent Bivvy-Tent in my boot, because you never know. It's smaller than a sleeping bag when rolled up, only has one sheet and got be put up in the pouring rain in about 6 minutes without the inside getting wet.

3.) My French army surplus sleeping bag rarely leaves my boot. It has a plastic sheet stiched to the underside, which not only keeps you dry when sleeping in it, but also means you can store stuff inside it when it's rolled up, with no risk of water damage. A must at £20.

4.) Two slingshots and several thousand 9.5mm and 6mm ball bearings.

5.) A spear gun, snorkel and fins. When travelling I take my wetsuit & wetsuit gloves with me too. Just in case.

6.) My fishing bag, complete with two rods (three-piece spinner, 9-piece fly) as well as a filleting knife, flies, lures, lines and tackle.

7.) A 20l water canteen, mainly for the windscreen wipers and the radiator, but also for emergencies.

8.) A big bag full of ropes, straps and ties so I can always fix stuff to the roof of the car. Also good for bundling firewood.

9.) Two dry-bags (canoeing class) to ensure I can transport stuff safely in wet conditions. Also handy for putting wet clothes inside after use.

10.) A rugby ball and boots. And a frisbee.

11.) A good book.

12.) Cigarette lighters and newspaper.

13.) Neoprene wellies.

14.) A lightweight waterproof jacket.

15.) A complete change of clothes and several extra warm layers.

And that about does it.

So Baby Wookie can take her TT and shove it.

FG

How To Make A Shit Film and Antagonise People

2008-10-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

At school, when things went wrong our teachers would claim it was "a small minority of troublemakers ruining it for the rest of us."

I get that feeling from time to time in adult life, be it the whole nine-eleven thing (now I can't take nail scissors with me in my wash bag. Thanks guys.) or bad drivers, rogue traders and inconsiderate surf kayakers -that last one might be a touch on the esoteric side, granted; but you take my point, right? It's all about a few arseholes ruining everyone else's fun.

It's the same in the film industry. When you consider the amount of labour, time and money required to put a movie together and then get it into cinemas so the great unwashed can go and see them; it's a miracle anything sub-standard ever comes out at all. I always used to think going to see a film at the cinema was a pretty safe bet. -Avoid the bullshit, by all means, but with the right actors, studio and budget it's bound to be watchable; yeah?

So it's baffling when a film like "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" is allowed to be written, cast, filmed, edited and aired.

The film is like having a fat, hairy Greek man urinate onto your head for an hour and a half, pausing now and then to molest your immediate family and kill kittens with a hammer. Don't be fooled by the cast: just because a film has Simon Pegg, Gillian Anderson, Kirsten Dunst and Jeff Bridges in it doesn't mean it will be any good.

HLFAP should have been good: (Jeff played Lebowski, after all; and Shaun of the Dead was frickin marvellous) but it was so consistently, offensively, shockingly awful that there were moments as I sat squirming in my stained and odourous cinema seat that I thought it was all some kind of big joke at my expense and at any moment the lights would come up and a TV crew would appear, telling me I'd "been had".

No such luck.

I'm not going to bother reviewing this leaking sack of pig spunk; it simply doesn't deserve the effort. What I will say is this: of all the hundreds of people involved in making it (I know who you are: you're in the final credits -arguably the best part of the whole fucking abortion you dare the call a "film") why didn't one of you stand up and say: "Wait a minute guys, isn't this just shit?"

I mean, come on.

The whole cinema experience was, for me, comparable to the feeling you get at the end of a busy day of root-canal surgery, prostate exams and scrotal-hair removal. Painful, humiliating, expensive and distressing.

I got the times wrong, you see (we wanted to go and see Taken but arrived 40 minutes early) and rather than hang around with the ugly, inbred, stinking zombie-locals drooling on the garish cinema carpeting we thought we'd take a gamble and go and see Simon Pegg and Jeff Bridges doing something funny. But before we'd even had the chance to realise the enormity of this mistake, things started going very wrong.

I tried to buy a hot-dog, but the machine was broken. How a hot-dog machine can be "broken" I don't know, but broken it was. So instead I made the near-fatal error of buying some "nachos" -a humble pile of fairly stale, Doritos knock-offs in a flimsy plastic container like a prison-food receptacle, but of poorer quality and design, accompanied by two of the most repulsive, un-refrigerated, synthetic "dips" I have ever had the tremendous misfortune to evacuate from my body at high-speed mere hours later. This, for about £5 per head.

It took forever to get served and the sight of the acne-covered, sweaty, slack-jawed vagrant dishing up our "food" was enough to make my already apprehensive stomach churn and bubble like the putrid pus in the centre of that vile teenager's many zits.

There were about 7 such wasters behind the food counter; engaging in some kind of ritual which involved a lot of nose/arse/groin-picking and staring vacantly into space. I am usually fascinated by the habits of primitive cultures, but being so close to these specimens was more frightening than educating and my spider-sense was acting up, so I grudgingly parted with £10 of my earth pounds and turned my back on them, taking the "nachos" with me.

“Maybe this is just the world we now inhabit.” I thought to myself, five minutes into one of the worst pieces of cinema I have ever seen. “Maybe I turned my back for a few minutes and suddenly everything, everywhere was just shit.”

As this thought crossed my mind I heard a (presumably) severly retarded young man laughing very loudly at an appaulingly written and delivered gag before predicting (incorrectly) in a loud voice what he thought was going to happen next.

The good thing about HLFAP is that it gives you a lot of time to think about other things and ponder the decline of our species. As such, I spent the majority of the film, when I wasn't exhaling loudly or squirming in my seat, trying to work out the five worst films I have ever seen at the cinema.

Here goes:

1.) "Hearts in Atlantis" -Allegedly a Stephen King story, which should be sufficient warning for most people aiming to avoid a dreadful film, this garbage features child actors (who are almost always annoying) and around 2 hours of incredibly poor dialogue. And absolutely no plot. Nothing happens.

2.) "G.I. Jane" -Demi Moore is always awful; which makes her the most consistent actress in Hollywood, and you've got to respect her for that. I was about 15 when I saw this in the cinema and spent the entire film making out with my rather homely Polish girlfriend; which although basically a bit unpleasant was significantly better than GI Jane.

3.) "America's Sweethearts". It's a sad day in any young man's life when he realises that John Cusack is a stink-machine. His droopy face, limited acting ability and single facial expression, however, are the best parts of this film. Simply ghastly. I would literally rather crawl inside a long-dead sheep on a hot day with Noel Edmunds in a thong than watch this again.

4.) "Troy." -Dude.

5.) "Alexander." -There mere thought of Alexander makes me gag like someone's opened an out-of-date, sun-warmed can of sardines in peri-peri sauce under my nose on the morning of a severe hangover. Because Colin Farrel can't do accents, they decided to make everyone in Greece Irish. They show one battle, than skip through all the others using a kind of "flashforward" narrative device, then flashback for the final battle, by which time I had left the cinema and was arguing with the swamp-donkey at the box office about why she/it should give me my money back.

What was your worst cinema experience? Maybe you could email me the name of the film and how it made you feel: admin@gophuramungus.com and we can compile the definitive list of stinkers.

Adios.

Knock-off Nigel

2008-10-03T01:09:00.000-07:00

There's an advertising campaign in the UK which has been on for a while which aims to deter people from downloading films illegally. The idea is to shame people into buying DVDs, not downloading films from the internet. The adverts feature a song with the refrain:

"He's a knock-off Nigel, downloads knock-off films..." (It doesn't rhyme.)

And also mentions things like: "gave his girlfriend a watch that he found in the street".

I take exception to this advertisement on a number of levels and would like to point out one or two truths about a "knock-off Nigel" who I know quite well:

1.) He's a knock-off Nigel, he feels that if a film has already aired on public television, people may tape it (VCR) record it (DVD recorder) or digitally store it (Sky+ etc.) -everybody does this. Are these people Knock-off Nigels too? If not, then what's the difference between what they do and downloading it on P2P software?

2.) He's a Knock-off Nigel and he thinks that Hollywood is making quite enough money through the box office already (not to mention merchandise, product placement etc.) and it's criminal to expect everybody to pay for every film, especially since many of them are so very, very shit. I hate to do it, but there have been a number of times in my life when I have walked out of a film in the cinema before it finished. Did I get my money back? Did I fuck. Make better films, maybe more people will pay for them (I BOUGHT "No Country For Old Men" last week, for example).

3.) He's a Knock-Off Nigel and he always has a look in the "reduced" section of his local supermarket when he goes shopping. ALL products there are within their sell-by date (it's the law) and are 100% edible. Are you telling me it's better to buy a carton of smoothie for £2.99 which goes out of date next week than to buy one for 50p which you have to drink by (horror of horrors) tomorrow? Fuck off. Being sensible about what you choose to spend your money on (and how much you choose to spend) should be commended. This kind of "shame advertising" is despicable and highlights just how vile our consumer-driven (failing) capitalist society really is.

4.) He's a Knock-Off Nigel, he earns £6300 LESS annually than the average salary in the UK. This is despite three seperate (high-grade) FE/HE qualifications, which in themselves cost a significant amount in student loan repayments every year. This Knock-Off Nigel doesn't even own a TV (well, he has one, but refuses to pay the TV License, so he's manually ripped all the aerials out of his flat and frequantly responds to letters from the license people with the words: "bring it on". I digress.) You're going to tell this guy how to spend his money? He pays for his broadband connection, doesn't he? He pays for electricity, he bought all of his hardware. He pays income tax, road tax, VAT -you wanna bleed him dry? Go fuck yourself. And yo momma.

In conclusion: "Don't be a Knock-Off Nigel"? How about a little campaign to the people responsible for this drivel: "Don't be a cunt".

ENDS

2008-09-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

Summer's coming to an end. The old couple in the house with the big garden have swapped their pruning shears for rakes, the air is chilly in the evenings and the tourists have left; they have strapped their surfboards to their roof-racks and hit the road.

This little town is more or less dependent on surfing to support itself. For five months of the year the place is dead: just locals drinking too much. Such are the winters here.

As a child who spent several formative years in a tropical climate, British winters can be tough, so it's with a sense of disappointment that I put my sandals and Hawaiian shirts back into the cupboard in exchange for proper shoes and a musty-smelling coat. Did I make the most of the sunshine? Are my solar banks adequately recharged? Can I last till the spring?

A friend of mine threw a party last night; a celebration of the end of the season. There was a maquee and some bands and lots of familiar local faces milling around, but an air of depression saturated everything. So I drank too much and walked home in the dark and was sufficiently inebriated to purchase an end-of-the-night giant doner kebab from the vile and depraved Peruvian meat kiosk in my high street, which has made me violently ill all day.

Farewell, sweet Summer. You've been the only reason I have stayed in a job I hate for so long and now that the days are getting shorter at both ends it's time to consider what's next.

Any suggestions? Visit the forums on www.gophuramungus.com and share your thoughts.

FG

Livepages

2008-09-26T01:39:00.000-07:00

My (already tenuous) grasp on reality is slipping a bit and I'm finding some of my aliases coming to life. For example, I've been emailing the webhosts of Gophuramungus because some of their software isn't working. Here's what I wrote:

Enquiry: Hey man, I'm still having problems with my livepages and nobody's been back in touch yet so I'm like freaking out. I get to the "publish site" section and I get a "general error" at the "create wbesite" stage. Am I signed in wrong or something? I mean, I got gophuramungus.com AND gophuramungus.net -which one should I be logging in as? Am I putting the right password in? I thought I was, it all worked fine until recently, you dig? Help a brother out man, I could do with making some ch-ch-ch-changes on the site. "Furious Gopher"

----

Dear Mr "Gopher", Thank you for your enquiry from 17.09.2008 After looking at your Live Pages I have seen that the error code E4 appears. The E4 error code means that one of your links within your website is broken and needs to be repaired before the website can be published. What I would recommend to do is check all your links within your website before publishing the site again. I hope this solves your question and would like to wish you a very nice day.

-----

Enquiry: hi guys, I hope things are going well with you and stuff. I'm all like, fully confused about some of the Livepages features. I'd really like a forum which allows users to have avatars, you know what I'm sayin'? I'd also really like a live chat facility on the site. Is this the kind of stuff I might be able to get if I upgrade my Livepages? I'm a pretty rubbish coder so I like the way Livepages does all the work for me and shit, you dig? Thanks for your time, Peace out. Furious Gopher

-----

Dear Mr "Gopher", thank you for your enquiry from 19.09.2008 I will recommend a content management system using a database to install the data. Livepages does not support the use of external html or scripts and it will not be possible to use avatars and chat. Please have a look at the very cms which suites what you wish to do, it includes a photo gallery, content management system, forum and you can add a shout box for chat on line: LINK REMOVED I recommend an upgrade of your current package to any other package which includes a database.

Thank you for contacting our customer services, and do not hesitate to contact us again, if you require any
further information.

With kind regards from Berlin

------
Enquiry: OK, so I've redone the site in livepages, yeah? And I've got it down to 14 pages, ready to publish. But when I actually click "publish" it tells me I have 26 pages and that I have to upgrade to continue. So I go back to check how many pages there are in the "outline" section, right? And guess what? I only have 14. Please help me! It's messing with my head man.

FG
----

Dear Mr. Gopher,

Thank you for your enquiry from 23.09.2008

In this case, I have to write a ticket. It could have something to do with the outdated project saved, but I am not sure. Your ticket number is NUMBER REMOVED. As soon as I get a response I will let you know. As for now, consider it a "bug". Thank you for your patience. With kind regards from Berlin

---

Enquiry: Hi there! I have done as you said and "considered it a bug" but considering it as a bug does not appear to have fixed the issue thus far. I have also made a new backup copy of the project as it now exists, in that hope that this would overwrite the old project and reset the number of pages we have (we have 14) but this hasn't helped either. It's actually not that urgent, but there is some new content we'd like to get up there for our increasing volume of "followers" so whenever it's fixed an email my way would be, well, it would be just terrific. Thanks for your ongoing support. Could you tell me a little about what an updated Livepages package would entitle us to? Many thanks once again, I hope you have a truly fantastic day. Rocking.

FG
---

Dear Mr. "Gopher", Thank you for your enquiry from 24.09.2008 We are still looking into the bug. As soon as we have a response we will inform you. The upgrade to a "higher" Livepages account will just enable you to create more than 26 pages. That's all. Thank you for your patience. With kind regards from Berlin

From GMP

2008-09-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

How to make lots of people hate you
Courtesy of Furious Gopher

This tutorial is designed to give you the best possible advice about how to anger people on the internet. If, like me, you find that the rage of others gives you strength (and sometimes even turns you on a little bit) then this is information you MUST know.

1. First up, you must not break the law. I'm fucking serious. In fact, I'm so serious that:

*Gophuramungus Productions Accepts No Responsibility For Anything, Ever*

So don't tell people they should do harm to themselves or others, don't tell people how to make weapons or drugs, don't advocate anything illegal... ever. That includes inciting people to commit crimes. That's when this game stops being funny and starts getting people into trouble.

Once you have fully understood the first rule, you are free to wreak havoc.

2. Write under an alias. It's not YOU who's writing these terrible things, it's some fictional person. Artemis Jones, for example, doesn't exist. He's all made up. He's not real.

3. People are really angered by grossly generalised comments. "All women are irrational and can't reverse park" is a good one. So is: "All Christians are perverts." -Try to think of something a stupid person might say, then say it.

4. Pitch to your audience. If you're on a right-wing, Christian web forum then talk about all the inter-racial, pre-marital sex you're having. If you're on an animal lover website, talk about the animals you hit when you're in your car and the joy it brings you. Think laterally.

5. Find allies. There are lots of us "trolls" out there. Many, many people have sick senses of humour. Find them, befriend them, agree with their craziness and send them our way. While you're at it, contact us and tell us about the mayhem you're causing.

6. Vary your characters. Keep it fresh. Use Yahoo Answers to ask offensive questions, then post ridiculous forum threads on a completely unrelated website. Skype complete strangers and pretend you know them really well. Email big companies and pretend they're escort agencies, keep changing your style and subject: KEEP IT FRESH.

7. Record EVERYTHING and blog it. We'll be happy to provide you with a blog if you like and a link from our "Team" page. As long as you're recording it all, it's part of a project and you're in the clear. As soon as you start doing this for the sake of it, you ain't no friend of mine.

8. Try not to give out your real identity. Not even to loved ones. This makes your writing more free and less self-concious and it exonerates you.

9. Don't get pissed off. You're supposed to piss people off, not the other way around. Keep a cool head and never break character.

10. Be proud. This is a noble tradition. Good trolls are few and far between. Take a little pride in your work, you deserve it.

Welcome to the club. Let chaos reign.

Other Priceless Public Responses to the Furious Gopher Blog:

"If I had to sum it up in one word I'd want to say ridiculous, but somehow that's not quite insulting enough. "Retardulous" might be more fitting."
-Some smart-ass punk.

"I read this blog and then I killed my neighbours puppies. That's how it made me feel."
-Former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair

"Why should I care about this dickhead's bullshit? I got bullshit of my own, man. If I wanted to listen to some self-important pseudo-intellectual with pretensions of superiority and a hugely inflated opinion of himself, I'd tune into Radio 4."
-Some twat.

"It's a dismal, pitiable attempt to get attention; a vile, offensive and pretentious rant from the adolescent mind of someone old enough to know better. I suggest you avoid it."
-The Southport Sock Man, Lancashire

"Weird, disjointed, pathetic and deeply, deeply disturbing."
-Henry Adams, Derbyshire

"Total shit."
-Dan Anderson, Leeds

"It doesn't make much sense and it's shit as well."
Anon, June 08

A Selection of cool kayaking videos.

2008-09-21T03:31:00.000-07:00

The Butterfly Roll:

Surf Kayaking: Greenland Style:

The Shotgun Roll:

Surf Kayaking, Sam Davenport and Co:

The "No Hands" Roll: By Dubside

Hold Up

2008-09-16T02:02:00.000-07:00

16/09/08
1004hrs
Incoming Communication
Subject "Hold up"
Sender: Unidentified
Transmission Begins...

Wow, wow, wow, let's hold it there a second people. Let's rationalise. Let's get things in perspective; this isn't some complicated theory you're grappling with -it's the opposite. What's freaking you out, man? What's the problem? Everything's cool. Everything is completely beyond our control. Relax, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

It's a mathematical certainty that our entire civilisation and everything we have ever, or will ever accomplish will one day come to an end, forever. Our entire species is merely a brief, flickering abnormality in the infinite complexity of the universe and there's nothing we can do about it. We pretend it isn't the case, they put up cameras everywhere to watch us go from place to place but none of this nonsense really matters. None of it means anything -so the markets are toppling and Mrs Hinkledumplings can't afford the same brand of tinned salmon for her fat, spoilt house cat? So what. So the ice is melting "It's melting man! It's melting!" Ice melts. Deal with it. Our young people are burying sharp metal blades into each others' ribs? Let them do it. Let them learn. The planet's over-populated anyway, maybe one or two knifings isn't the end of the world. Take it in my friend. Take a long, deep breathe and think it over.

"It's too damned hot." complains an elderly man to the other elderly man at the bus stop.

"I hear that." said the second elderly man -now completely deaf.

Slow it all down again people; let's take a moment to consider the bizarre, the insane, the quirky, the hilarious the NONSENSE. Let's flick from the tweed jacket of our honesty one or two of those unsightly clumps of self-importance, pretension and pride and try to have a bit of a giggle at the way our planet, our race is going.

We read a lot of stuff: angry stuff. People being angry. People seethe, man, they fucking seethe -I get it, you're angry. It's ok to be angry, but do you know what's making you angry? Do you have any solutions? Or are you just going to froth and spit like a tiny, inconsequential volcano? Or are you going down in a blaze of demonic glory: a barrage of automatic rifle fire at your local high school, a satchel full of exploding shrapnel at your shopping centre, a shotgun under the chin when the news crews start rolling? Are you? Probably not. you'll probably just seethe and then lie to yourself about the "why" and the "how" and just bask in your own spewing vitriol like some kind of righteous prophet, but really you're not. You're no prophet, nobody cares what you have to say, man. Wake up and understand that nobody's listening to you, it's just part of the game.

"Why do you waste your time with this shit Micky?"

Micky didn't know. He had never known.

And for what? Where's this anger going? Is it toppling the world's financial markets? Is it pinning up CCTV -or tearing it down? It's nothing, that's what all this fury accomplishes; it's like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy -it's just about getting it out. Once it's out, it's no danger to anybody; it's only when it builds up and bubbles and snaps that it becomes real and terrible. This "information superhighway" is more like an information traffic jam: half-baked, under-researched and ill-informed opinions sit bumper-to-bumper for as far as the eye can see and everybody's leaning on their horns. Everybody's leaning out of their fucking windows emptying their clips into the air wailing all the time "listen to me! listen to these opinions!" but it's just noise, man, it's just fucking noise and nobody's listening and we just sit in the traffic jam like doomed lines of cattle awaiting the slaughterhouse.

"I've never seen anything so huge in all my life!" Exclaimed Melissa, with delight.

"Wait till you see this one then," began Max, a cocky, lopsided grin clinging onto his unshaven features, "it'll blow your mind."

But none of this means anything. We walk along and occasionally put up our umbrellas if the rain is falling in a straight line and there's not too much wind. Occasionally we joke and drink and watch the sun rise and set and make love and drive too fast and we're suddenly reminded that this is what it's all about: not the whole cake -not the whole fucking stodgy doughy mass of unsatisfying and empty garbage, but the little moments. The fact that we're beasts -but beasts that have evolved to derive some kind of enjoyment from these tiny, fleeting moments. It's these instants which make any of this ballgame worth playing: the feeling in your stomach when your car speeds into a dip; the single instant whiff from a frwshly opened bottle of claret the glimpse into the eyes of the red haired girl across the room -all of these moments add up -they build sense and they mock the everyday mechanics of our pitiable existence. They mock the anger, the empty, relentless, ranting rage. They put this whole puzzle into some kind of order.

"They fucked me up man!" Wailed Cindy,, the tears making her mascara run down her face like she was fucking melting. She leans over the mirror and blasts another line, switches nostril, blasts the other. "They fucked me up so bad!" She cries and nobody cares.

So take it down a notch people. Take it way, way down and think about what any of this means. You getting it yet? This is it: this is as good as it's ever going to get but this is also as bad as it'll ever be. Go do something strange; go out and surprise yourself -make friends with all this nonsense, it's the only thing that really makes any sense, as "sense" itself is flawed. We can't give order to a chaotic universe, we can only blind ourselves with the illusion of order.And that ain't no way to be blinded. Embrace the nonsense, it's the very flavour of existence.

A young woman empties her washing machine. Bedsheets, socks and t-shirts flop out onto the lino like entrails from a soggy beast. She begins to sort them, and as she does she weeps at the emptiness of it all.

Go be bizarre, it'll make you feel more alive.

Message Ends
1040hrs
16/09/08
TRANSMISSION ENDS

2008-09-16T02:01:00.000-07:00

2008-09-13T11:32:00.001-07:00

Trust in GMPS

2008-09-13T10:28:00.001-07:00

TRANSMISSION BEGINS:
DATA FILE 5.48kb
PHOTOGRAPHIC IMAGE:

TRUST IN GMPS: The GMP seal of approval. This logo will be used to raise awareness of GMPS across the web, tagging all future entries of this nature under one GMPy umbrella. Get GMPy. Or "get GMPed up" maybe, haven't decided.

MESSAGE ENDS
TRANSMISSION ENDS

From the Forum of GMP

2008-09-13T09:47:00.001-07:00

The Gophuramungus.com forum has been a bit of a disappointment to some members of our little "cell". I don't know what I was expecting really, (I was one of the disappointed ones, in case you wondered when I switched person there) because almost everyone knows forums are basically shit. Blogs are pretty shit too, I have to admit, but I haven't finished dissin' forums yet.

Because of my tremendous/admirable/pathetic geekishness [delete as appropriate], I used to be part of this forum-based "game" online. Before long I realised that it was actually a bit wank; nobody ever had anything original or interesting to say and they actually took the game really, really seriously. This made them easy to irritate/antagonise/infuriate [delete as appropriate] and thus began my "troll" days, a hobby more addictive than smoking crack with hookers on a beach, playing poker. My problem with forums of any kind is that people either take themselves far too seriously and don't have a sense of humour, or they degrade into total, spewing nonsese with posts like: "Hi everyone" and "Later Everyone" and all the same shit all the time with no thought of spelling, punctuation, sentence construction, vocabulary, creativity, imaginative ideas, inspiring themes. No: they just post threads like: "What's the weirdest thing you've ever put up your butt?"

So it was a pleasant surprise to me to find the following forum post in the GMP section, and it has inspired me to begin a campaign for a better class of forum use and abuse, the GophuraMungus Productions Solution, or GMPS (or "gimps").

On with the post:

Thread:

Blueberry pancakes
Do they cure herpes?

Response:
>do they cure herpes?

What kind of a question is that? I googled bluberry pancakes and "herpes and all I found was an article http://www.knbc.com/health/15157292/detail.html about how to convince children to eat healthier food. Unless you mean than somehow not having herpes is a kind of cultural trait, picked up by healthy children in their youth? Is that what you mean? Cos that's kind of an elaborate question and I think one which should be examined in close detail. Herpes can be a lifestyle affliction, brought about by people who are somewhat more flexible about what they allow to come into contact with their mouths or reproducive organs. By feeding children blueberry pancakes for breakfast, are we reducing their number of sick days, hence marginally increasing the chances that they take on board a little more of what was taught to them in Sexual Education class? Quite possibly, Holly, quite possibly.

2008-09-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

Email to The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

2008-09-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones wrote to the genius who is "Bobby" of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster having left a few comments on their website. Here's what he had to say:

---
To: Bobby Henderson, of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
From: Artemis Jones
Date: 10/09/08

Dear Bobby,

My name is Artemis Jones, I am very pleased to make your acquaintance. you will forgive me if I do not shake your hand, this is for two reasons: firstly, I am half-Russian and where I come from it is very bad luck to shake hands with a stranger with your left hand.
I cannot shake your hand with my right hand, as I was bitten by a badger recently and any pressure on the healing wound causes me some discomfort AND secondly: This is an email and we cannot, at this stage, physically shake hands.
Perhaps, FSM willing, the day will come when we may meet in person and, FSM willing, on that day my right hand may be healed sufficiently for me to embrace your hand in my own hand and for us both to rapidly move our respective hands up-and-down in a "shaking" motion.

Until then, please excuse my apparent rudeness and accept the above explanation(s) for my lack of conventional greeting.

As you are probably aware, Gophuramungus has been functioning as a collaborative arts/blog project since a few moments after the Big Bang. Established by Furious Gopher and Mungus in those few seconds of violent sub-atomic particle collision, the website has, since then, attracted over 1000 followers, many of whom share our faith in the FSM.
I am writing to you to inform you that we have categorical proof in the existence of His Greatness the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Unfortunately, I wasn't there at the time, but Furious Gopher was and he described to me in detail that in the initial stages of the Universe's creation (a purely chemical/mechanical process, I should point out) he caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a vast being, made up entirely of a pasta-like substance which he later determined to be spaghetti. Unfortunately, cameras had not been invented at that stage; and would not be for many billions of years, but attached to this email is a very detailed, first-hand eye-witness sketch of what FG saw as he hurtled through space at 99.7% the speed of light.

I hope this will put the debate about the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to rest once and for all. I must leave now, for my macaroni is almost ready. Thank you for your time, you can contact me through:www.gophuramungus.com at any time, except Sundays between 3pm and 5.30pm, which is a 2 and 1/2 hour period I am never able to account for, due to pressing extra-terrestrial business. FSM be with you,

Best wishes,

A Jones

What's The Fucking Point?

2008-09-10T02:55:00.000-07:00

I read this news story yesterday about a proof reader who worked for a major American publishing company. Allegedly, the man died of coronary failure while working at his desk and nobody noticed for five days.

It got me thinking about where I work at the moment. I doubt very much that anyone here would notice if I croaked at my desk; let me explain.

The company I work for is run by a group of very limited, short-sighted, narrow-minded individuals who are obsessed with instant gratification and gross profits. Any genuinely creative ideas which reach them are either ignored altogether or instantly dismissed due to Management's lack of vision, intelligence and understanding.

Explaining to some of these men (yup, they're all men. The big man's wife has some kind of honorary role but she doesn't actually do anything. I think this business would be greatly improved by the presence of some dynamic females at the top, but that's another rant for another time) that sometimes it's worth looking at the medium, or even long term goals and outputs of the organisation is like explaining to a very seriously retarded child how thermo-dynamics work.

My department has no budget (the company does not advertise. "Make PR" they say, without having any concept of what that means) and our emails do not get read. The only thing we hear in response to our ideas is "no" -usually without an explanation, but when explanations do come they sound as though Management has consulted with a specially appointed "Board of Logic" made up of a professional WWE wrestler, a Creationist and the guy responsible for selecting which contestants get into the Celebrity Big Brother house.

The big exciting thing today is that Management have acquired two robot hoovers: small disc-shaped devices which scuttle round the floor hoovering up waste. Watching Management standing around these devices, scratching their heads and grinning is a bit like that opening scene in Space Odyssey with the monkeys and the cube. This is what's important to these people: miniature novelty vacuum cleaners.

The very same day (today) I have been told there is no budget to support the campaign I have been planning for the past week. I wouldn't have objected to this news, except that there have been dozens of opportunities for Management to tell me not to go ahead with this plan: from the initial heads-up email to the Big Man which stated I was having a preliminary meeting, to the full report and shorthand transcript I submitted to them. But hey, they've got their mini auto-vacuum robots so I guess the company is going to be fine.

Then there's the other stupid shit eating into the company’s budgets: life-sized cardboard cutouts of Management (most of which are still sitting in 6’ piles in our department –there’s just no use for them), sponsorship of the Big Man's delusions of sporting grandeur (something like £1m per year), four times as many posters as we require describing deals which will be out-of-date long before we have the time even to display them all… the list goes on.

Management all drive around in their big cars, with their off-the-rack suits, the ever-present stench of fast-food following them around everywhere they go. They’re white trash. I hate to use that term; and I don’t use it lightly, but there is no other way to describe them. They believe that the more something costs, the “classier” it is. The result is that their offices are garish maximalist shrines to bad taste: guilt-framed mirrors and imitation antique furniture; 2 inch-deep burgundy carpeting and pleather armchairs. The first time I saw one of them I had to (literally) stifle a laugh.

And it’s not just management: I find myself hating almost everyone else who works here. I hate the empty McDonalds containers on their desks, I hate their noisy, high-pitched discussions about meaningless trite like “which reality TV show they watched last night”; most of all I hate the fact that they seem perfectly content to come here every day and contribute to the questionable success of a company which is as morally repugnant as it is nationally unknown.

And then there’s me: King of the Hypocrites. I’m still here, 10 months on. My friends and family have urged me to “stick it out” for at least a year for the good of my CV, which is the excuse I use most frequently to justify my tenacious presence here. The truth is, there is very little work around and I don’t want to move house. Where else can I leave work at 5pm and be out on the sea by 5.30? Where else can I drive for under five minutes to get from my flat to my desk? Where else can I drive home at lunchtime and watch half an episode of South Park? (we only get 30 minutes for lunch, and it’s unpaid)

I did find a job within driving distance as the Personal Assistant to some slimy suit, which pays almost £2000 more than my current job. Though this illustrates how badly paid my position is (and here’s me thinking Public Relations is a lucrative job? Lucrative? More than half my monthly salary goes on rent. Subtract car insurance, petrol, council tax, electricity, broadband and I’m worse off than most dinner ladies. Even worse off than dinner ladies who don’t have 5 years of FE/HE media training). So no, I’m not going to apply for the secretary job; it’s not my field and if I leave media at this point (so early in my career) there’s a significant risk that I might never get back in.

The phone just rang: it was my “media contact”. I had to stall her, saying I would call back later once I’ve had time to think of a polite way of saying: “Remember that meeting we had? Remember all that preliminary groundwork you’ve set out? Remember all the conversations we’ve had about advertising/marketing/publicity/profile? Well, it turns out there’s no budget after all and we’ve both been wasting our time.”

I’m about 5mm from tipping point. The next person who talks to me will be taking a very serious risk that I might snap and ram their forehead through the glass plate of one of the many photocopies dotted around this building.

I wonder if there are many PR opportunities in New Zealand right now…

2008-09-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

Email to P.E.T.A UK

2008-09-09T04:09:00.001-07:00

An email sent from Artemis Jones to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, UK division:

-----

Hi there,

My name's Art, and I have some questions I thought you guys might be able to answer. I also have a project which I think you would like to support; I would really appreciate it if you could read about my ideas and get back to me with some information at some point?

I really respect the work PETA does; it's just brilliant; I was wondering how I might be able to get involved?

Basically, I know that stray animals in the UK can be a massive problem, so for the past few months I have taken it upon myself to tackle this issue. Me and a group of my friends have created a whole campaign (website pending) aimed at lowering the stray cat and dog population in the UK. I hope you don't mind, we've been using the PETA logo on our posters and flyers, gaining support from members of our local community. The project, called "Strayliminators" focuses on the humane decimation of the stray animal population in Stoke.

We use a combination of .22 air rifles and slingshots (with 9.5mm and 6mm steel ball-bearings) to quickly and painlessly put down any stray animals we encounter. Just last week we received a phone call from a kebab shop owner who was complaining about a group of stray dogs raiding his bins almost every night. They create mess (both in terms of the rubbish they scatter around and the faeces they leave behind) and they are a health hazard in general. I and two other Strayliminator waited in the alley behind the restaurant and put down no fewer than six stray dogs in just under an hour. Rodrigo was unable to pay us for our efforts, but the whole Strayliminators group is now entitled to free kebabs whenever we are in the area, which is a good result. I'm sure you will agree that this is an extremely efficient system and a cause which should be supported and celebrated wherever possible. The carcasses are bagged up and put out with regular household rubbish, but we hope to have our own incinerator within the next 12 months. All of our volunteers have passed a specialised air-rifle safety course before being allowed to use these weapons, which means they are all very accurate and humane. Even in instances when it takes more than one shot to kill a stray animal (larger dogs, for example) we can guarantee that from the time the first pellet has been fired, not more than four minutes will pass before the animal in question is completely dead.

In addition to stray dogs, we destroy a large number of cats. Residents who complain of tom cats spraying their property/cars/belonging and of cats of both genders defecating in their flowerbeds have been calling us and we arrive on the scene to cull the animals in question. We are performing a valuable public service and feel that more people should know about our good work.

Basically, we need some funding to help with raising the awareness of our campaign, recruiting new volunteers and arming our group. Ideally, we would like to extend this project to make it a nationwide campaign; volunteers are always willing to join us on our expeditions (or "hunts" as we call them) and we feel that we could, with the right funding, publicity and public relations work, recruit a huge number of new professionals to help tackle the stray animal issue.

PETA is already involved (in a way) by the fact that the organisation appears on our marketing materials (and the PETA website address too). We were hoping for a more vocal and official commitment to our cause whenever you have the opportunity.

Please get back to me when you have a minute, I feel that an ongoing dialogue could be mutually beneficial to both parties.

Thank you for your time,

Best wishes,

Art Jones.

2008-09-08T05:55:00.000-07:00

The Plug

2008-09-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

I found an excellent eZine called The Plug.

It's very good; and smart too. I figured that AJ spends so much of his time seeking negative reactions that it was high time he said something nice and positive for a change.

With that in mind, he sent this email to The Plug:

From: Artemis Jones
To: The Plug
Date: 05/09/08
Subject: "Hey!"

Hello guys,

I really like The Plug, it makes me feel like a bowl half full of trifle (I'm an optimist, you see. Hence "half full". There are websites out there that make me feel like a half-empty bowl of trifle, but yours isn't one of them. It's the opposite, in fact.)

Anyway, I'd better get to the point before I start to ramble and put you off reading the rest of the contents of the email which I am writing to you at The Plug right now.

My cat is very, very sick and I need money to get him a new hip.

-Kidding! I don't even have a cat! I want one though (a healthy one) but I'm waiting for my letting agent to get back to me to tell me whether or not the flat's owner would be OK with it. It's been a couple of weeks now, do you think I should call? What if he says no? I sometimes think I should have just bought a cat and then waited to see if they cared enough to actually evict me for having a feline. I could always use the "pest control" angle, but I suppose that's a bit "old-hat" now isn't it? Anyway, back to the email.

yeah, I love the plug. I like it so much I wanted to tell you about my website: www.gophuramungus.com and I really wanted to see what you guys thought of it. It's not as pretty as yours, nor as clever or as entertaining, but... I don't really have a concluding clause for this sentence so I'll talk about something else instead.

If you're still reading this email I'd like to congratulate you for your patience. Patient people are few and far between in this era of instant-gratification; everyone channel surfing and web browsing and generally behaving like the world's about to explode, which probably isn't sa million miles from the truth, given the state of affairs internationally.

I'm going to go. your wife's hot.

Later.

AJ

----

guess what? Five days passed and nobody emailed AJ back. So he sent another:

---

From: Artemis Jones
To: The Plug
Date: 10/05/08
Subject: There are NO naked pictures in this email

Dear Jay,

Whilst I appreciate that constructing, maintaining and developing an eZine like The Plug is a time-consuming process, I cannot help but feel slightly hurt by your lack of response to my last email, in which I discussed trifle and a great many other fascinating things.

I will not lie: the night after I sent you my email I lay in bed at night, gazing at my ceiling, upon which my ex-girlfriend (long-may-she-suffer-in-the-dank-and-eerie-pit-of-Satan's-largely-overpriced-and-almost-impossible-to-find-and-even-when-you-do-find-it-parking-is-a-total-nightmare-second-hand-bookshop) had painted an attractive mural of a Welsh farmer being fellated by a sheep; wondering how you might respond.

I slept not.

The days passed by and still, there was no response. Food lost its taste, the flowers of my small but adequate meditation garden seemed to wilt and wither and die and I began to resign myself to the very real possibility that you may never write back to me.

"Was my email too long?" I wondered, chewing on on a sizeable piece of lettuce.

"Perhaps" said one of the voices in my head as I was trying to concentrate on a game of Jenga.

"You must destroy them" said another as I struggled to feed a stray cat through the fine mesh of my bathroom window -though I usually ignore that voice, for he is always suggesting such things.

I will therefore pose a question to you: if I was to clone myself; and then have sex with my clone, would that be incest or masturbation?

You have five days.

AJ
www.gophuramungus.com

---
From: Jay
To: Artemis Jones
Date: 10/05/08
Subject: RE

Hello, Arty.

Thanks for writing.
I'm sorry that I was unable to respond sooner.
I try to write everyone back, but sometimes an email slips through the cracks.

If you had consensual sex with your clone, it wouldn't be masturbation because two people are present.
Incest is a bit warmer, but still not the best term for the act.
My best guess would be sodomy.

You can go to sleep now,
Jay / The Plug

http://www.theplug.net/secrets.htm

---

And "that", as they say, is that.

2008-09-05T06:01:00.000-07:00

Why are Americans so Dumb?

2008-09-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Another Yahoo Answers wind-up:

In a recent survey conducted by the US government, it was found that 62% of all American adults had difficulty spelling "America", 34% got the answer to the question "can you raise your right hand in the air" wrong and, most shockingly of all, 65% thought that "hobbits" were real creatures.

Why are they so dumb?

--

Answers

--

we aint dumb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

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Not all of them are, just the ones who are voting for Obama. The ones voting for McCain are highly intelligent!!

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Because of TV. If Americans stopped watching it, they wouldn't have the IQ of my dog.

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Liberals are the reason America is dumb.

Sadly, the dumb ones are the ones that have all the power.
I don't know why on earth that is.

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It's the burgers.

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Go Have Sex Wit Yourself A s s h 0 l 3

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I don't know, I think most of them think the world revolves around the USA and that there is very little outside of it.

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you dumb

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I don't get your question. Say it again?

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WE ARE NOT DUMB but your Question is

---

When most people think of America, they either think of a very fat person, a very thin person or a very stupid people. Maybe it's their diet or something, I think that America have the most dyslexics in the world.
That could be the reason or it could just be genes or something.

DON'T BE HARD ON AMERICA!

---

And then I added:

Some of the dumbest f*cking answers I've ever read in my life. Thank you, you totally braindead nation of morons for confirming what the rest of the world already knows about you.

And got more answers:

because we are descendants of people from other countries?
because most of the people tested were illegal aliens?
where did you find these facts about the recent test?

---

the US is a mix of cultures, educations, etc.
Unfortunately, some of the citizens aren't good at learning.
Some aren't good at remembering. some aren't good at taking tests.

---

If we are "so dumb" why then are we the most powerful nation in the world. Americans are not dumb.

---

Fox "news"

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we are dumb because we are americans =+). we dont study as much as other nations, most of high schoolers drop out, and if we get throu highschool and college we forget everything by the age of 30 XD. that is y we are so dumb.

---

Of course not all Americans are dumb but they do seem to have a high number of dumb people. I think 65% is about right but its the stupidity which makes America so powerful. They spend there money like idiots to boost the economy and always agree with the wars thinking they are doing the right thing to free the world. When all its about is money. I feel sorry for the clever Americans who get misjudged as soon as they meet someone.

2008-09-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Does this make me a pervert or something?

2008-09-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

Another Yahoo Answers Troll by AJ:

I got home early yesterday (I'm a gynaecologist) and decided to sit out from with a beer and just soak up the early evening sunlight. It was a beautiful day, a gentle breeze fluttering through the leaves of the sycamore at the foot of my garden. bliss.

Anyway, while I was sitting there, one hand down the front of my trousers (as I'm sure other men will confirm is the most relaxing outdoor sitting position) I noticed my nextdoor neighbour wailing on her husband's face; first with an open palm, then the back of her hand: back and forth and back and forth like her geeky little husband was a ragdoll or something.

He's not a big man; he's not as physically powerful as her and she was just going for it -going mental on his little white face.

Thing is, it totally turned me on. Am i a pervert for that?

---

Answers

---

nah dude lol. just certian people like certain things. nothing wrong with that. its gotta be fun bein a gyno though... that part might make u a pervert.

---

Are you my neighbor?

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everyone has there own little things that turn them on(theres a word for this but i forgot it) ure not a pervert just weird no offence

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You are and you need a good spanking.

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LOL...No, I wouldn't think so. It's funny how our mind and hormones do some of the kookist things at lookiest times. Saying that, if you were to start being perverted about it, well, that would be different.

---

Being an oportunistic voyer does not make you a creepy sex pervert sir...

---

Not at all.
It's a fetish.

So kinky slapping turns you on, no biggie.
I think that's the word that one girl was looking for though. (Fetish)

Everyone has one. Feet, butts, boobs, panties, cucumbers, chains, belts, whips, etc. You've got one of those dominate ones. You know, were you like to be taken control of in a situation...

Maybe you'll have that experince one day..

Good luck!

2008-09-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

My son, the neighbour's rabbit and a reasonable recipe?

2008-09-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

Another Yahoo Answers Question by Artemis:

Hi guys. My son is kind of slow and my wife and I think he might be a tard or something. Anyway, he plays with the kids next door sometimes, they have a beautiful angora rabbit called Molly and our boy's really fond of it. I went up to his room last night and he was looking shifty and had his hands behind his back.

"What are you doing Mongo?" (Mongo's what we call him)
"Nothing." he said. But I knew he was lying.
"What's that behind your back?"
"Nothing."

But he was lying, it was Molly. He had killed and stolen Molly. We told him off and covered his tracks with the neighbours, leaving the hutch open at night so it looked like Molly had just escaped.

Anyway, the reason this is in the "food section" is because we don't want to waste the rabbit meat and were wondering if anyone has a nice recipe for rabbit? I had it once in France and it was delicious.

Help me out please. Thanks. AJ

PS

Oh yeah, and that person who suggested I rent Fatal Attraction and then told me to tell my Mommy to supervise my computer use or some sh*t like that: she's encouraging a minor to rent an x-rated film. She should be burned at the stake, publicly humiliated with over-ripe tomatoes and then flung from a bridge into a ravine.

PPS

Oh yeah, and he really is a "mongo" -so it's not just a silly name. He talks to an invisible cockroach called Jerry who wears hotpants and likes to rollerblade. Full-on tard I'm afraid, but what are you going to do?

---

Answers

Just read your question history, what a laod of crap. Have you got nothing better to do than make up stupid questions?! (AJ reported this user for abuse and encouraged others to do so as well. Bitch.)

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Come on... this is a wind up right?

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Sorry, but I won't give out a recipe for your neighbors killed pet....Are you really so poor?

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Rent the movie "Fatal Attraction" and pay close attention near the end of he movie. You'll see a great way to cook a rabbit. Now, go tell your mommy you shouldn't be allowed on the computer without supervision. :)

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you need to get a life...youre ignorant for using the word "retard"...

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omg poor Molly :(

---

After skinning & taking off the fur, my Zada throws it in the crockpot with a can of cream of mushroom
It was good too!

---

As a vegan, I shouldn't encourage this, but I do have to suggest you try stewing it in the boiling blood of the Greater spotted Yahoo Answers' Poe-faced Humourless Tit. Something tells me it's about to flood the market...

I would love to report half the people on here, but I've vowed never to do so. I keep banging on about freedom of speech and accept this has to include the retards, too. Besides, you've got to have them around to make fun of, eh?

---

Yum!

I remember as a youngster being with my mum when she bought a rabbit in a market (this was in Germany). It sure tasted good! I can also remember visiting people and them fetching a hen and killing it for dinner. I helped to pluck it.

Skin the rabbit. Remove all intestines and heart/lungs and its head and paws. Chop off the legs and halve the body.
Coat in seasoned flour and fry in a small amount of oil to brown it.

Stew for about 40 minutes with diced carrot and onion.

---

Blackberry stuffed baked rabbit in chocolate sauce hmmmm

2008-09-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

What am I doing wrong? I just want to be friendly.?

2008-09-04T08:13:00.000-07:00

Another Yahoo Answers Question. Mwa-ha-ha-haaa.

I'm having a lot of trouble making friends. When I meet people and ask them if they want to be my best friend they look at me weirdly. the last friend I had I just kind of lost touch with; I called him every day and in the end when I called it said "this number was not recognized" and he never answered his door either. I'm really good to my friends, hanging around them all the time to make sure nobody else gets too near them or freaks them out or anything, and I always paint pictures of them and give them to them in frames and stuff so I think I'm a pretty good friend but all my friends bale on me and I don't know why. I've been doing a lot more heroin recently because it makes me feel less lonely all of the time, but it's not the same and hanging around a friend 24 hours a day, it's just not the same. how do I make a best friend?

regards,

Artemis Jones

Answers:

-

personally after living next door to a smack head im quite sure that the heroin you take is scarying people and potential friends away from you
so quit the drugs start looking after yourself and then you will gain some friends

---

Firstly, get off the heroin. Full stop! Then all you have to do is be yourself, and people will like you for that. Saying you're best friends to someone is pretty intense, unless you have become really close. It makes people feel awkward. I wouldnt say it until you feel that person is really special. Have faith in yourself. You are important, and people will like you for being an individual. Try just being friends first. Worry about best friends much further down the road. Good luck!

---

Have you tried sleeping on the doorstep, following them around and bringing them sticks to throw for you? They say dog is a man's best friend, but surely a doglike man is just as good?

2008-09-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

What should we do about this prank call?

2008-09-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

Asked on Yahoo Answers by an all-new Artemis Jones. This is kind of an experiment to see how quickly they shut down my account. Here goes:

Some friends of mine and I were doing some prank calls the other night. it was really late at night (damned meth!) so what the hell else are we going to do? Anyway, we phoned this elderly lady and pretended to be the police and said we had some bad news about her grandson. She said "Who, Peter?" and we said, "I'm afraid so madam." We told her he'd fallen into an industrial chicken-processing machine (we had a lot of trouble not laughing I can tell you) and had been completely mangled and later died in hospital of his revolting wounds.

She started crying and then kind of yelped (she was on speaker phone) and then there was a kind of dull "thump" and then just silence. My mate Jenny thought she might have died with the shock of it and I've been feeling a little bit guilty ever since. I was wondering what we should do about this, like, are we in the wrong or something? All answers welcome. Thanks guys.

Answers

wow I dont know if there is a god or a heaven but one thing I can tell you is that you are going to hell. That is the most fucked up thing I have heard in god knows how long, you wanna know what you should do is call all the local police departement and tell them what you did.

Wow. Well, umm.
The thing I can tell you is..
you shouldn't have done that.
:/

Yes that is wrong, what a horrible thing to do. I agree with the other answer, go to the police. Or try to trace the number and make sure the old lady is ok, that the very least you can do. And learn from your stupid mistakes, next time dont mess around wth peoples lives and feelings.

dude???!!! that was awesome!! don't feel bad about it man,its nothing. she might of fainted or something.. bad that was the ****!! peace man!!

That's not a prank !
That's pathetic and the fact that you have to ask if you did something wrong only proves just how pathetic you are. I hope no one ever does something like that to your grandmother or your mother. If someone did something like that to my gma I'd hunt them down and take the law into my own hands. Your mother must be so proud.

You've been only a little guilty?
You abused her private landline number!
You mimicked and mocked the police!
And You may have killed and old lady!
taking away the supposedly dead grandsons Nan away!
I'd feel sick and ashamed if i were you and hand yourself in stright away!
And in future...stick to we are the chinese takeaway!!

-

Well, I shouldn't worry too much - I mean if one phone call was enough to finish her off, she must have been about to pop her cloggs anyway. At least she died in the comfort of her own home, rather than spazzing out in the local swimming pool or something.

Or maybe she should feel guilty because she's the sort of evil witch who responds to harmless prank calls by pretending to die and is at this very moment having a good cackle about it down the old folks home with her coven-mates...

What Scientologists Say About Scientology

2008-09-03T08:28:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Some Freaky Shit

2008-09-02T05:38:00.000-07:00

I had to attend another "event" for work last weekend, so it was back into a company car and up the road to my favourite part of the world: The Midlands.

And who could not love the Midlands? They've got it all: obese pregnant teenagers with make-up so thick they could withstand direct nuclear attack, young men with shiny gold chains hanging outside their garish nylon football shirts, miles and miles of stunning industrial centres, completely flat terrain and a general sense of despair and foreboding. Ahhh, the Midlands -who needs mountains and rivers and open spaces when you can have Dominos, KFC and Burger King every 200 yards.

I digress.

On the way to the "event" I was stopped in traffic jam so bad that everyone got out of their cars and starting milling around in the middle of the motorway. One couple removed their camping chairs from their caravan and set up right there on the white dotted line. Children were playing and laughing and running around on the tarmac -it was quite literally the most wonderful TWO HOURS of my life thus far and the next time I'm lying on a beach looking up at the sky with a joint and a beer in-hand I know I'll be wishing I was back there on the motorway around all of those happy, happy people.

Finally managed to arrive at my destination only to discover that my special VIP parking pass was in my Fiesta 260 miles away so was forced to park in a public lot and bother my boss for a lift into the "venue". (I can't be too specific about the "event" by the way). A great start to a terrific weekend.

Walking through the rows of other teams gathered at the event it became painfully obvious that my dislike of the company I work for is a totally objective emotion. I strolled past the marquees of our competition: the first one I passed was full of young, well-dressed attractive people drinking wine, sitting at tables and watching a documentary about earthquakes on a massive TV. The next tent I passed was similar (young, good looking people, tables etc.) but this time they were eating Italian food, from real plates, with cutlery and watching the news on their massive TV.

Then I arrived at my company's hospitality area. A hugely fat and sweaty man was turning over sausages on a gas-fired BBQ whilst my colleagues stood around drinking cheap domestic lager straight from the can watching X-Factor far too loud on the biggest TV I have ever seen. They are a motley and disheveled bunch of reprobates who love nothing better than to list exactly what they have had to drink and how much. You know the type: "dicks" basically.

I stayed as long as I had to and then went to my hotel, feeling dirty and violated and wondering why I haven't left this company yet.

I arrived at my hotel to find that the company's PA hadn't paid for my room, so out with the card once again. Here's where it gets confusing: I was given a "smoking room".

"What?" I said.

"A smoking room." The midlander replied; her face a melted and chaotic disaster of acne and wobbly skin.

"So, I can smoke in it?" I asked, rather stupidly.

"That's right." She said.

"Bonus." I thought.

But hold on a minute: isn't it illegal to smoke indoors anywhere except your own home? Do hotels qualify in some way as "your own home”? What about all those private members' clubs which petitioned for the right to allow smoking inside them and were duly rejected by Westminster?

I didn't ask her any of that, it would have confused her and a confused midlander is an appalling sight. Well, an ever more appalling sight.

Walking down the corridor in the "smoking rooms" section was a reminder of what it was like when everybody smoked everywhere. The air was stale and lifeless, like a long-dead chaffinch wedged in the grill of a Peugot 106. Some of the lights flickered; I began to think that this was a neglected section of the hotel and I was about to enter room 1408.

The stain on the sofa didn't help to ease my mind. Was it chocolate? Perhaps mud? Maybe shit?

Whatever it was, it was right there on the sofa in a big messy smear; a defiant symbol of the Holiday Inn's grotesque ethos.

I tried to ignore the stain by placing the only towel in the room I was not planning to steal over it and pretending it wasn't there. But that only worked for a while; as I lay awake in the dark trying to sleep I kept thinking about what the stain could be, how it got there

and why on earth nobody had thought to destroy the sofa.

I finally managed to drift off to sleep but had nightmares about a crazed man drowning his wife in a bowl of chocolate mousse next to an acrylic sofa in a dingy hotel room, before flinging himself from the window onto one of the pimped-out Seat Leons in the parking lot below.

The "event" the following morning was a farcical affair which went on all day. Once it was over I spent a somewhat less than enjoyable five hours driving back home (dreading the prospect of six hours sleep and another Monday at my desk), deriving some meagre pleasure from riding the clutch of the company car ferociously and over-revving it at every opportunity the whole way back.

Affordable Website Design

Holidays

2008-08-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

Being an incredibly posh guy, I went to boarding school back in the 90s.

The worst thing about boarding school was the last few days of the holidays; with "back to school" time edging closer every second of every day, silently sapping all enjoyment from all activities. The most miserable time of all was that final Sunday afternoon; packing trunks and bags, making sure I had all the right rugby kit and school uniform, making sure my Mother (Molewoman) had stitched a little name tag into every piece of fabric I owned and watching the clock until it was time to embark on that final, sickening journey... BACK TO SCHOOL.

It was such a powerfully depressing sensation that I've never been able to shake it. I still have nightmares about being at school (I think a lot of people do) and I still dream about that final journey of the holiday in a car laden with school shit, creeping ever closer to the GATES OF DOOM.

Well I'm in my mid-20s now and I live on my own in a small flat in the South of England, but I still get that "back to school" feeling whenever my holidays draw to a close. The knowledge that I will have to iron my suits and shirts, polish my shoes and go back to work for 9am the following Monday really drains my enthusiasm for the final few days of holiday and I resort to smoking large quantities of marijuana to numb the feeling, which invariably makes me think about it even more.

I wonder if I'll ever get over that sensation. I wonder if my boarding school days, with their strict routines, relentless bullying, terrible food and ruined old teachers (embittered by their own sense of futile underachievment) have scarred me permanetly -am I a product of public school?

I have a friend who was in therapy a long time before I first sat down opposuite a head-doctor who told me that most of her deep-rooted problems in life, from her lack of organisation, her trouble with relationships and her motivation "issues" to her lack of realistic ambition and her constant low-level depression all stemmed from the eight years she spent at boarding school.

That's always kind of stayed with me; I think about all the brilliant people out there who are, to this day, tortured on some level by their experiences of school. The people who are weighed down by heaps of unclaimed emotional baggage that have piled up as a result of their school days like some kind of first week at Terminal Five Heathrow of the mind. Or something.

So I've weighed up my options and I think the most sensible thing to do, the one thing that's really going to bring me freedom, closure and peace of mind is if I fire-bomb my old school with molotov cocktails made from jay-cloths, milk bottles and 4-star unleaded petrol.

Who's with me?

A Link

2008-08-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

2008-08-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

Working here is like being forced to sit at the retard table in your high school cafeteria.

you know the table I mean; there's the kid with at least one nostril (usually both) plugged with large round beads of bright green snot. There's stink-kid; who smells like frying onions mixed with used jockstrap. There's acne-girl, braces-boy and a handful of really slow, inbred looking wretches who have no idea where they are or how they get there.

It's like that here. I look around the main office bit (thankfully separated from our own little hovel back here) and I am disgusted by what I see. I see a room full of people who voluntarily come here day in, day out. They eat their fast food, talk about roads ("A271? Great bit of road that") and cars ("I got that new body kit mate, it's well tasty") and gross profit ("Yeah, we cleared £2500 last week so I'm just hoping we'll be . They are the ugliest, most miserable and unambitious group of people I have ever had to spend time with -I catch myself thinking this and then have to remind myself that I work here, what's the difference between me and them?

here's what:

I have never had sex with any of my immediate family.
I have never had sex with an animal, not even my own pets.
I do not find Big Brother, Coronation Street or X Factor entertaining.
I do not read red-tops.
I do not eat McDonald's, KFC or burger king.
I do not drive a sooped-up 2 litre beamer.
I do not take two week package holidays (and if I did, I would not spend the entire time in the resort hotel.)
I do not get out of breath when performing low-effort activities (like talking).

I know, I'm a snob, right? Well, if being a snob means I object to all of the above and do not wish to associate with these people, then snob I must be.

but this is business; and business is business.

Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.

2008-08-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

Found on Gumtree.com

2008-08-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I am a Japanese man who would like to meet Italian/Spanish girls for friendship.

I have been Italy and Spain twice and I like the culture, language, food and....people :) Really impressed. But I haven't got much chance to meet Italian/Spanish people in London, so I decided to place an ad on gumtree.

If you are interested in my country or friendship with me, feel free to contact to me.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

----

Dear Sir,

my name is Artemis Jones. I am a 54 year old English man and would be delighted to be your friend. We could attend art exhibitions together and discuss them later over iced-coffee at a nearby independent purveyor of tea and coffee.

In the evenings you could visit my home and help me to feed, clean and trim the feathers of my ever-increasing collection of parrots. Some of them are wonderful. One of them I am not so keen on, but he should not get in the way of our friendship.

We can stroll through the parks of London at the weekends, maybe holding hands. I could buy you a hotdog from that cheeky Bulgarian vendor in Hyde Park. We could laugh at the young children and their naivety and shoot disapproving looks at teenagers smoking drugs.

We could experiment with all the different cuisines of the world, starting with Peru, then Afghanistan, then Norway and so on in that fashion until we find the tastiest recipes of all.

We could go on Dragon's Den together and pitch them our ideas about floating binoculars, self-cleaning socket wrenches and websites to help people get over the loss of a parrot.

I'm afraid I'm not remotely intersted in your country, and since I am English and not a girl you may not want to be my friend, but I am sure that if you give me a chance we could be walking down the civil-partnership aisle and honeymooning in Skegness in no time.

Whaddya say?

AJ

Blog Glitch Sorted

2008-08-27T03:44:00.000-07:00

OK, so I've sorted out a little glitch in the blogging; Tragic Waste's blog can now be viewed at http://tragicwaste.blog.co.uk/ and my blog is still here: http://furiousgopher.blogspot.com/

We can no longer post to each other's blogs, which means there will be no more mix-ups with the post authors etc. which means everything is back to normal and as it should be.

Gophuramungus has also been updated, so clicking either my blog or TW's blog on the site will take you to the right place. Nice.

Square Zero

2008-08-26T01:40:00.000-07:00

After two weeks of holiday and not enough sleep, I find myself back behind my desk; trying desperately to care about a job which is underpaid and a company which is immoral.

I don't want to move house; I like my place. That said, there is no suitable employment in these parts and if I stay in this job too much longer I'm likely to go mad. Madder anyway. So here I am, back at Square Zero.

Guaranteed?

2008-08-08T05:07:00.000-07:00

I found this website in the course of my research into "world's weirdest product" (see www.gophuramungus.com "Bad information" section; it's a truly, truly bizarre product). Whilst trawling through various different synthetic ladyparts available for the pleasure and distraction of men without girl friends, I found the following: (Courtesy of www.magicalpleasures.co.uk)

Have you ever dreamed of sliding your penis between Jenna Jameson's huge tits?

Now you can, the ultimate queen of porn had lent herself to the casting geniuses at Doc Johnson to bring you this perfect replica of her ample breasts. Feast your eyes on Jenna's fantastic breasts and play with her pert nipples while you slide your penis in and out of her deep cleavage. The best Tit Job you will ever have, guaranteed! Size: life size

-------

Right, so I couldn't really resist sending them an email from Artemis to put this little claim to the test.

-----

Dear Magical Pleasures.

I purchased "Jenna's Perfect Pair" from you some time ago now and have been, for the most part, extremely pleased with the product.

When I am not using it, I prop it up in an empty chair in my living room. It amuses me.

I am writing, however, to point out a most serious problem with the way you are marketing this unit.

You say: " The best Tit Job you will ever have, guaranteed!"

That's probably a fair assumption for most consumers, but I am not sure that it's such a great idea to publish this, legally speaking.
A few weeks ago I began working as a lifeguard at my local swimming pool where I teach swimming techniques to small groups.

Whilst doing this I met a young lady called Kimberly, who's a little bit overweight. She's quite unattractive in many respects actually, so doesn't get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, which helped me out a great deal. Suffice to say, I managed to talk her into an "experiment" which was designed to test your guarantee. She was willing to participate.

I think you should remove this claim from your website, because although your product is good, it's still not as good as doing it with the real thing.

I suspect this might be because your product does not have a real head, which can make masturbating with it a slightly disconcerting exercise and would probably appeal more to some kind of niche amputee fetish market rather than guys like me.

Basically, I would like my money back immediately as you have made false claims on your website. I can return the product to you in a condition not too dissimilar to that in which you dispatched it; it has been used but it can be cleaned and returned to you in its original packaging.

Might I suggest you reword the sentence on your site to say something like:

"Amongst the best tit jobs you are likely to have."

"Probably one of the best tit jobs you will ever have."

"Arguably the finest tit job you are likely to receive from a headless, latex model."

Be careful with what you guarantee or someone may wish to seek legal action against you. (Should you deny my request for a refund I may have to look into this myself.) Thank you for your time, best Wishes, A Jones

---- -----

Cleaner Urgently Needed

2008-08-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Date posted: Thursday 7th August

Location: London

I need honest, trustworthy, understanding & hardworking clearner
please apply to the details or email HERE

-----

Dear Future Employer,

I read your advertisement with a great deal of interest and would like to offer you my services as a "cleaner". I have been employed by many different groups and organisations to "clean" their problems and I am sure I would be able to "sort out" your problems for you in an incredible "acceptable" manner.

I am somewhat light on my references, however, as most of my contractors would prefer me to keep the nature of the "cleaning jobs" I do for them secret, particularly Governments, who often feel they have the most to lose in such matters. Suffice it to say, I am accurate within a 3" grouping at 600 yards with a wide variety of different "cleaning products" but will always prefer short-range "cleaning accessories" wherever possible.

I am a fun, bubbly and honest man; there is nothing more reliable than a man whose trust can be purchased with hard currency. I am not a huge fan of deception, betrayal or any attempts to photograph me or to capture my face or my voice on any form of recording equipment; this is absolutely unacceptable and may affect my ability to "clean" things properly. And we can't have things being messy now, can we?

Please let me know when you would like me to start and where my first "cleaning job" is.

My rates are extremely reasonable, there will be an up-front fee and an additional "expenses fee" for "cleaning jobs" outside the European Union as these incur passport "issues". I will then require a final payment on completion of the "cleaning job" you have assigned, though these prices may be negotiable depending on the amount of "cleaning" required and the methods of "cleaning" you would like me to employ.

If you would like to know more, please do not hesitate to contact me at your earliest convenience, I look forward to your response.

Kind Regards,

Artemis Jones

artemisjones@rocketmail.com

----

Thanks for showing interest...

Am preparing to travel soonest.... reason why i posted an advert.
I need a good Cleaner who is willing and ready to take care of House...

Please i need below details:

Your Full Name:
Address:
Town:
County:
Postal Code:
Phone:
Sex:
Age:
Marital Status:
Your Reference Number:
Your Bank Name:
Your Current Job & Position:

My Offers:

Time Duration: 5-6hrs Daily
Payment Option: Bank Transfer
Amount: 10Gbp Per Hour.
Location: Fulham

I await your kind reply
Thank you

----

Dear Sir,

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to supply you with a great deal of the information you have requested.

The means of communication you should employ, should you be interested in securing my "services" shall be thus. I will send you, by postal communication, a telephone number. The telephone number, when dialled, will cause a telephone to ring in a room somewhere in Europe.

You will need to explain the specifics of what you would like to have "cleaned" to the person who answers the telephone. At that point, a coded transmission will be passed on to me and I will "take it from there". You and I will never meet.

These are my terms.

I assume the "10Gbp per hour" is either a typing error or some kind of joke. Please clarify. An hourly rate is somewhat unusual for this line of work and I can only surmise that "House" is some kind of code-word for your "cleaning target". Very sensible.

Here are the answers to the questions in your last email:

Your Full Name: CLASSIFIED AND IRRELEVANT

Address: NO KNOWN ADDRESSES

Town: CLASSIFIED

County: CLASSIFIED

Postal Code: CLASSIFIED

Phone: You will be contacted by mail with a phone number

Sex: Male

Age: CLASSIFIED

Marital Status: My line of work does not lend itself to close inter-personal relationships. Such is the "cleaning" business

Your Reference Number: B700-QRSTTVU-X111-D7

Your Bank Name: CLASSIFIED and I prefer unmarked Euros (100's and 50's)

Your Current Job & Position: "Cleaning professional" -contractual self-employment.

I look forward to "cleaning out" your "House".

Thank you,

A Jones.

----

A More Subtle Tack

2008-08-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones, having been rumbled by some wise-ass punk who works for a planning authority in Cornwall (see the post: "Letter to St Agnes Parish Council"), went on a search for someone else to email.

What I've learned:

1.) Don't overdo the foreign language thing. I've decided to change Arty's voice completely and make him a bit more professional; in terms of vocabulary and syntax, if not in terms of subject matter. His name is silly enough (and anyone with a background in media law will spot the reference anyway) so the language should probably be a little more "normal".

2.) Realism. Arty must be outlandish, but not too over-the-top. Can't be getting rumbled again. His suggestions, questions and proposals must be more like the kind of thing a very stupid person might say and not blatant fiction.

3.) Focus: Arty needs a theme for the day every time he goes about his business; be it job applications, singles adverts, inquiries to businesses, letters to the editor etc. The idea is to eliminate the "scattergun" approach and give AJ some direction. Man.

Here goes.

---

To: A Sign Making Company in England
From: Artemis Jones

Dear Sir,

I found your company whilst conducting an internet search for businesses which claim to print and design signs.

I was wondering if you would be able to help me with a matter very close to my heart: I am looking for a quote for the design and construction of a sign to display at a forthcoming event which I am hosting for a large group of friends, colleagues and acquaintances.

Price is no object, though we would not like our expenses on marketing and publicity to exceed £1500 if at all possible.

That said, the sign itself is extremely important and therefore might be able to extend the budget as required.

We anticipate spending approximately £100 on the sign, though as I have mentioned, this is negotiable.

The intention of the sign is to grab the attention of all who gaze upon it. I want it to have impact and power and it's very important that people who look at it are impressed and are left in no doubt as to its meaning. We would like the sign to measure about 30ft wide by about 15ft high. I'm not sure what materials would be most appropriate for the sign, but it will be outdoors so it should have a degree of durability and should not absorb rainwater.

I have attached to this email a ZIP folder containing a number of elements we would like to have printed on the sign. The main page element is labelled "image 1" and should be as big as possible:

The secondary and tertiary page elements are less important, but should make it clear what we are trying to accomplish. Also, they must both appear on the sign, or neither. The message will have less impact if either page element two or page element three appear but the other does not.

Page Element 2:

Page Element 3:

As for text, we would like the name of our group "Campaigners for a Pure Britain" to appear on the sign.

We would also like some variation of the following text to be visible on the sign:

"Not from around here? Maybe it's time you went home."

I would be most grateful if you could provide us with a quote for this work. Should your quote fall within the estimated budget for our operations then we will most likely use your services as your company appears to be able to achieve our goals in a timely and professional manner. The event is due to take place on the 17th of November, 2008 so time is obviously a factor. I very much look forward to hearing from you,

Best wishes,

Dr A. Jones

2008-08-06T01:28:00.000-07:00

From:[anonymous]@yahoo.co.uk
To reply to this ad, click here:
http://expatriates.com/cgi-local/reply/reply.pl?id=3280528

Category: Jobs Offered
Region: The Hague

1 -- PROFESSIONAL help for breaking through a wall (house renovation)

Renovation of appartment in The Hague (Scheveningen area). We need professional help during period August 4th to August 20th for:

- breaking through a wall
- plumbing work

Please contact us by email ONLY if you are a professional for this type of work and have previous experience.
All other type of renovation work - painting etc... - is already taken care of by a small army of helpers, thus we really only need specialist advise for the above jobs.

-----

Hello!

I am a professional for this types of work!

I am available right now!

I have broken through many walls. I was once in my tractor and I had been drinking heavily for many nights. I did not concentrate extremely well and before I knew it: "kapow!" I had broken through my first wall.

Since then it has very much been becoming "my thing". If you can provide me with a big vehicle, I will be able to get rid of your wall so quickly that you will begin to forget you ever had a wall in the first places!!!

You say "plumbing work" but I think you mean "painting wall". "Plumb" is a kind of fruit. I do not think you need me to put fruit on your wall! Ha ha ha. Anyways, you say "plumb work" AFTER you say "remove wall" -what difference would it make to you if there were plumbs on the wall which is no longer a part of your home? It does not make sense and you should be being the one that is ashamed of himself.

You say other renovation work is being taken care of by the army. May I suggest that you use either my services as I am very much and expertly in these things, or at least use the proper tradespeople. The army will make a lot of noise and they are not in trained for these kinds of thing.

Anyway: HIRE ME! I promise I will not interfere with your wife/girlfriend/sons/daughters -I am not even allowed to work near to the children now so you know they will be safe. But please keep them away from me while I work because I am dangerous with the house-smashing and also I like to drink the beers when I am house smashing which helps me to get through the day but is not good for the horn so I am even more dangerous- like a double-whammy!

Write back to me now or I will make terrible things come to be in your face.

AJ

Mashing Toads

2008-08-05T04:05:00.001-07:00

My office is located next to a sewage farm. On still days it reeks. When we first moved to this location, I found myself smoking a cigarette in the parking lot, missing Scotland and feeling tired, frustrated and under-appreciated.

A friendly tradesman struck up a form of conversation common to these parts, composed mainly of grunts and eye-rolling. One of the more intelligible things he did say which stuck in my mind was; while gesturing to the sewage farm: “You won’t have to see it to know it’s there in the summer.”

Well it’s summer now; and I can’t see it. But I can smell the fucker. It’s not good.

The smell of the sewage farm has become a metaphor of my experience working for this company. I wake up every morning, bleary and unmotivated and stumble to my shit job, surrounded (mainly) by shit people, on shit money and nothing I ever do makes any difference and all the time there is a faint smell of shit. Despite an HND (merit) Bachelors Degree (distinction) and Postgraduate Diploma (distinction) I’m not being paid very much money, even though the company is expanding it’s HQ by several employees (amounting to more than £100,000 in total).

I started the job with the best of intentions. I was promised, during the interview, an “almost immediate” review of my salary. It never came. After three months I asked for the review, I was told it was pending. After six months I was entitled to a 4% raise, which amounts to (significantly) less than £1000 per year extra. Woop-de-fuckin-doo-dah.

And that’s when I stopped caring. I still achieve a higher volume of output than most people around me; fielding emails, writing press releases, arranging PR events and publicity stunts (though I am never allowed to spend any money) and doing all the standard PR stuff which I have come to believe is little more than “applied bullshit”. Sometimes I get to communicate with the media; this is exciting. They’re where I want to be. I want to ask them: “What’s it like working for a proper company?” “How does it feel to see your own words in print, with your own name under them?” But I never do. I just churn out official lines and fictitious quotes through clenched teeth, the jealousy making my hands shake. And they thank me and hang up. And I get on with the bullshit; trying to make a company for which I hold no sympathy sound as good as possible.

Once I have accomplished an acceptable amount (I still think I’m working beyond my pay-grade) I blog and harass people on Yahoo Answers. I write strange and confusing letters to local councils using one of my aliases; generally running down the clock until it’s time to go surfing (one of the perks of this job; it’s near my house, which is near a beach which is where I am happy.)

Sometimes I wonder if there might be better things I could be doing with my time. Every now and then I have an attack of conscience and work non-stop for hours on end, devising strategies, typing up neglected T-line notes, proposing ideas, coordinating different staff to assist with raising the profile, image and reputation of the business; but for what? 90% of my emails are never replied to; the ideas I do have are usually met with raised eyebrows while I explain, very slowly, that they will help the company and they will not cost money. These explanations usually lead to a response like “Let’s wait to X is done” or “Let’s see what Y has to say about that” and that’s the last I ever hear about them. So even with concerted application of my skills, nothing ever happens.

And all the time, the smell of shit.

I sometimes dream about driving here in the middle of the night, with bin-bags taped to my license plates and an army-surplus balaclava covering my face, in order to firebomb the office. I smile to myself imagining the flickering orange light; the smell of melting plastic, burning nylon masking the ever-present smell of shit. I giggle like a little girl at the thought of the building reduced to rubble by my righteous hand, but these are fantasies. What would burning the office accomplish? They’d find another. Besides, I’m no arsonist.

“Nobody’s happy in their job.” One guy told me.

“Nobody’s happy in their twenties.” Said another.

“Why whinge all the time? If you’re getting away with only working when you think it’s necessary, what’s the problem?” Said one who clearly didn’t get it.

I have friends with fewer qualifications and significantly less creativity who are driving expensive cars, buying houses and no doubt guffawing over cigars and brandy while minions of scantily-clad women from Thailand rub fragrant oils into their perfectly pedicured feet.

No, it’s not about money. I just want to feel that I’m making some kind of a difference; like the work I do every day of my life is somehow important. The sad truth is, this company doesn’t need me. Sure, without me they might look a bit silly in the press from time to time; their quotes might not be as punchy (or as correctly spelt) and their outgoing literature/web content might have the vague whiff of retard about it, but who would notice? Who would even care?

The weird thing is, the actual “work” is something I quite like. I like to feel that I’m doing something well; producing something good; doing something I’m good at. I like to write. I like to turn the garbled, childish ravings of a senior manager into a tight, concise and well-written communication. The problem is that I might as well be squashing bits of lawnmower-devastated toad onto post-it notes and flushing them down the toilet for all the impact it has.

And still the smell of shit.

I’ve been applying for jobs recently; the ones who show an interest would involve moving and I don’t think I have the physical or emotional energy to move house again. I’m reluctant to venture out into the unknown again for the second time this year. The ones I really want (media jobs in the area) don’t want me. They don’t even want to see me for an interview. Come November I will have been here for one whole year, my first “proper job” since graduating. At that point, people say, I would be alright to leave this job –but do what?

So I sit here, when I’m supposed to be “working” and I think about all the things I would like to do with my life and gradually I start to feel a little better and send out my CV again to all kinds of different people and the rejections flood in and I feel horrible again and return to mashing toad-pieces onto post-its.

And always the smell of shit.

A Letter to St Agnes Parish Council (Cornwall)

2008-08-04T08:16:00.001-07:00

Dear St Agnez Parish Council,

I am writing to be the one who is going to be inform you of my intention to establishing the first ever private gentleman's club, right here in St Agnes. I was discuss the plans with the currents owner of the proposed site, who told me a number of things about something you call "planning permission".

I am an Eastern European and so are many of the ladies who I will be bringing to lives in caravan to work in the club, so I am unfamiliar with your customs. I have plenty of finances to put into this project, so I am sure there will no being the issue with "permission" as he said.

Here are my intentions:

1.) I will be buying some land in St Agnes very shortlies.
2.) I will be construction (with help from cousin and brothers) a big concrete building.
3.) The club shoulds be open in October.
4.) The club is for the pleasure and satisfaction of many gentlemans who wish to visits.
5.) I will employs only the peoples from my countries.
6.) The clubs will be open for 24 hours in the days. (I have had been doing the researchers and have found that this is to be allowed)

Please can you be telling me what else I must be doing to make this projects come to true?

Thanking you in advances,

With much love,

Artemis Jones

----

Sadly, there was no reply (within 24hrs) so Artemis forwarded the email to the Cornwall County Council. Here's what happened:

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To: Artemis Jones
From: Cornwall County Council
05/08/08

Good afternoon

Thank you for your email.

I have forwarded it to Carrick District Council, the planning authority for St Agnes, for their attention.

Regards

NAME REMOVED

NAME REMOVED

Receptionist

Facilities Management

Tel: REMOVED

Email: REMOVED@cornwall.gov.uk

-----

Then there was this response:

---

To: Artemis Jones
From: Someone@carrick.gov.uk

I am not knowing what sites in St. Agnez it is you are not talking about, sow it is that more information is wanted.

---

Maybe I overdid the foreign typing bit, but, not to be defeated, Arty pursued this one all the way (after a quick bit of research into which properties were on the market).

---

To: Someone@carrick.gov.uk
Form: Artemis Jones

Hello SOMEONE,

Thank you for reply to me!

I am hoping to buy a property on Goonvrea Road in the village to make into the building which I have been told you about.

I am wish to destroy the property and replace it with the concrete gentleman's club which I have been told you of in the last times we had been emailing to one anothers.

They say I need to ask you and people for the permission to do this and some people have said that the kind of club we will be open will not be very happy for the peoples in the town, but we have plenty of monies and therefour I am sure neither of the things which have been suggested will be a problem because I definitely have many more money than you or than to anybody else who is saying that we cannot be do this.

Pleasing to be back in touch with me when you have been red this.

Thank you,

With all my loving,

A Jones

---

From: Someone@carrick.gov.uk
To: Artemis Jones

Hellow You.

I wood sujest that be4 we go eny further you tell me what is a gentlemen's club. What is it you do with the gentlemen, where do they do it an how many times do they do it anf hoo do they do it with.

---
From: Artemis Jones
To: Someone@carrick.gov.uk

Dearing Man,

A "Gentleman's Club" is a place for the men to go when they feel tired, uptight or otherwise feel like things are not going in the way they wants them to be going for.

The mans will go there to excape from the wives or from the girlyfriends and to be with ladies who do not talk so much and are nicer to be looking at than the ladies who he is be look at when he is in his own home unless he has sky televisions but you cannot touch the womens on sky so the club is better than the televisions.

They can smoke cigar, drinking the whisky and the vodkas and enjoy a range of difference servicings from the ladies which are to be for the enjoyment of the man.

My job inside the building of the club is to hiring the staff and to make sure that there is not going to be being a lots of the mess in the places.

In answering to your other questions; a healthy man may want to be going to the place of the gentleman's club up to four times every day but we will provide special discounts for these men who use the facility so oftenly.

They may be wish to be going with their friends, but they can also be going on their ownselfs. The music will be loud eastern europe folkrock played through a deck of 700watt Marshall amplifiers installed through the walls of the concrete club.

---

From: someone@carrick.gov.uk
To: Artemis Jones

It being the case that this is a green country I wood sujest that u not makes the uses of sutch biggermost watts and that you look to investigate the uses of a crystal set like that witch can be got from a porn shop in Eastern Europe and we will see u wen yu get back.

Bye

---
To: Someone@carrick.gov.uk
From: Artemis Jones

My Goodest Man!

I am please to be happy thanking yourselfs for the advise.

You did making my day very nice.

I will be get into the touch with your departmental when I am back from the search for the crystal that you say is in Europes, though I am a little piece frightened because my cousin Achmalack liked to smoke the crystals and now he is very thin and looks like skeletons and laughs all of the times at many thing which are not really in the room.

Anyways, I having been wasted enough of your precious timing so I must be off now as my fliying in the plane will be leaving Newquay later in this day so I will taking the opportunities to say that I am thank you and you have made my project very much happy.

Good luck with the everything.

A Jones

----

END TRANSMISSION

Pushing The Limits of Bad Taste

2008-08-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

I've been on holiday for a week. I worked all last weekend, drove North afterwards, arrived at my Highland destination at about 3am last Sunday, then arrived back in Cornwall about midnight last night. A busy time of sun, sand and spearfishing.

All that driving gave me a chance to think about some funny questions to ask on Yahoo answers.

Here are two I posted today:

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Q

How Do I go About This?
Posted in "Pregnancy and Parenting"

My wife and I recently had our first child; a beautiful boy who we've named Gerald.

We've been trying for a baby for some time, so we were both very pleased that he arrived after all this time.

The problem is, we've both discussed it at length and we're really not sure we want him any more. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that we've got him we don't think we'd like to have a baby after all! I know, it's kind of a bummer, but is there a way we can get rid of him? Ideally quite quickly, as we'd like to go on a nice holiday somewhere quite soon.

-----
Q

How Can I Confront Her About This?
Posted in "Singles and Dating"

I was going through my girlfriend's stuff while she was at work yesterday, just to make sure she's not cheating on me or anything. I do it about once a month, but I check her email account about once every couple of days, but that's another story for another time.

Anyway, I found an unlabelled videotape in her lockable rosewood private box. When I put it on, I realised it was "animal snuff". Basically, there's this couple getting it on for about thirty minutes and it's really, really hot. But at the end, they kill a puppy with a bread knife and then go about the moneyshot as expected.

I want to ask my girlfriend what the hell this is about, but then she'll know I've been going through her stuff. What should I do; and how should I confront her?

------

I know, it's dark, weird and twisted, but that's what this blog, and Artemis Jones, are all about. Please remember, there was no puppy and there is no unwanted baby; Artemis made them up. This is not cruelty, it's fiction. Have to remind people of that from time to time.

Here are some repsonses to the "unwanted baby" question:

-----
A

Why don't you find something better to do with your time? People need to check out your other "question"

Maj

------
A

If this is a joke you're sick and should be ashamed of yourself.
If you're serious, then you must be the most dense person on the face of the earth. You're sick either way.

Superflymomma

-------
A

do you honestly not have a life !!!!!!!
get one !!!!!!!

superstar 10

-------

At least I don't over-use exclamation marks.

Giggletits

2008-07-23T03:43:00.000-07:00

So I had to ask a question on Yahoo Answers today for work purposes; about Terms and Conditions on a web form.

I made up a new alias to ask the question; assuming that a girl would be more likely to get responses quickly.

I call her:

"Giggletits" (It's a Charlie Brooker reference, actually)

Having asked the boring question (which was never answered, by the way) I thought I'd do what I do best: generate some outrage.

I focussed on the completely obscene today; with particular attention to animals. There's nothing that gets people so wound up on YA than cruelty to animals. I should point out that at no point were any animals harmed in the making of this blog; the events you are about the read are fictional and I have never hurt an animal for my own entertainment. Ever.

Here are Giggletits' Q&A:

UK Pet Mallet Centre?

I went on holiday last month to Uruguay, where animal cruelty/protection laws are quite slack. We went to this place in the hills where you were given a long, heavy tool, like a croquet mallet and you were set loose in a small enclosed field full of (formerly) stray cats, dogs, rabbits and guinea pigs and we were all allowed to just bash them in. You got points according to how many animals you killed and what species they were.

My friend Sam won on the day, but I did pretty well too. Killed a lot of cats.

It was a lot of fun; and the animals would just have been put down anyway so it was actually doing some good too.

I was wondering if there was anywhere in the UK where you can do things like this?
-

GET A DOCTOR

-

Which part of the body?

I'm fascinated by the idea of eating human flesh.

I heard about a website in Denmark where you can buy cuts of human meat from people who have had limbs amputated.

I was wondering which limb/part of limb would be the best to try out. I'm planning to just roast it.

Please advise.

-

r u mad. it sucks... u r human not animal. if this type of food ,people start eating than everyone looses their human nature. i advice u never even think about this...

-

Who do you think you are, Hannibal Lecter ???

-

I have no words

-

Should I tell?

My neighbour has a little boy called Jeff and the other day I saw something really weird going on. Jeff was reaching into this cage and removing hamsters from it, then using a tennis racquet to hit them over the wall. Most of them died immediately, but I could see a few of them twitching and having spasms where they landed.

Apparently my neighbour buys Jeff loads of hamsters, hundreds every month, just so Jeff can belt them around the garden with a tennis racquet. They don't seem to think there's anything weird about this, and they've told me it's perfectly legal: they own the hamsters so they can do what they want with them.

Should I tell someone about this?

-

Absolutely tell. that kids a freak. It IS illegal what he's doing

-

It's NOT legal. You need to call animal control, they should be able to handle it from there. Don't let them cruelly kill any more animals!
-

YES ! How would you feel if you were one of those hamsters. I FREAKING HATE HUMANS !

-

call animal control and ask them if its not illegal its definetley disturbing

-

What he's doing is illegal. Purposely harming an animal has consequences. Make sure you tell someone, his behavior can escalate. I don't want to generalize but that's a serial killer in the making. What he does shows signs of anti-social behavior and it usually that becomes a problem during adulthood.

-

its not legal they can get fined and banned from having animals if you report it, try to get it on tape : O

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PLEASE TELL SOMEONE...those poor creatures

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OMG what a physco tell animal controll PLEASE !!!!!!!

-

That is nasty why doesn't he just get tennis balls.
Tell someone, you can't let this happen.

-

That is insane! Yes, you should report this. First of all, a tendency for violence towards animals is one of the first signs of someone who is violent towards people when they get older. A lot of serial killers had tortured animals in their past. I'm obviously not saying the boy will turn in to a serial killer, but there is a behavioral connection.

The poor boy probably thinks it is just fun, and is going to have a distorted view on the implications of physical abuse and what it means to hurt people, so he will probably treat his classmates in a similar way and will find it very hard to make friends.

Secondly, it is very cruel on the hamsters and you should intervene and help put a stop to them being tortured.

-

kidz got karma comin', feel like slappin him myself

-

yes you should it is not LEGAL AT ALL they are ignoranT IT IS ANIMAL ABUSE AND THE PARENTS CAN BE CHARGED FOR IT FOR CONTRIBUTING AS WELL AS THE CHILD!like someone said a serial killer in the making first start off with an innocent hamster then a dog then someone pisses him off and kills a human.

-

DEFINATELY!
Hurry up and tell someone before anything else happens. Thats animal cruelty and just killing hamsters like that is illegal! Quickly call crime stoppers or soemthing and next time you see someone killing hamsters or even hurting them go up to them and like make them stop or something!
Thats just sad.

-

H ha ha ha ha. I'm funny.

Responses To Artemis Jones' CV

2008-07-22T02:08:00.001-07:00

I don't know if these people are playing along with the game, if they're serious about employing Artemis or if they have some kind of automated system in place for vetting applicants; but here are some GENUINE responses to his CV:

---

Please call me on my details below to discuss possible upcoming positions.

Regards,

Name has been removed

-----

Hi there Artemis,

Could you please advise which borough you live in?

Many thanks,

Name Removed

Resource Consultant

-----

Still, it's made me think about this stuff a little bit and I can't help but feel that winding up web-nerds is one thing, but wasting the time of people who are at work, trying to recruit teachers, is entirely another.

So I'm going to change tack.

AJ

AJ's Response to the Senior Recruitment Consultant:

2008-07-21T08:27:00.001-07:00

Dearly Sir.

Thank you for email me back abouts the CV I have sent to you. I am glad that you have taken the tim to reader this CV and now I hope you will be able to considering me for the jobs?

I am perfect for the positions in so many ways and I think you may be horribly mistake if you cannot make me in the job so please tell me. I have already quits my job and am looking for aflatment nearer to your offices so I will not have to be taking too long to get to you in the days. What is the dress codes for your workings? I will need to know so I can be shopping.

Thankly.

AJ

AJ's CV

2008-07-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

I posted this CV on various websites and emailed a bunch of people advertising jobs.

Almost immediately I had an email from a gentleman who is a senior recruitment consultant for a company which I will not disclose here. The email read:

"Are you having a laugh?"

I will respond to him, but first, here's the CV:

Curriculum Vitae for Artemis Jones

Name: Artemis Jones

D.O.B: 31/09/80

Star Sign: Libra

Greatest Fear: Jellyfish

Favourite Film: Legally Blonde 2, Red, White and Blonde
Email Address: jonesartemis@yahoo.com

Phone Number: Rather not say

Education:

1990 – 1991: Burdett-Couttt & Townshend Foundation CE VA Primary School
1991 – 1993: Archbishop Sumners C of E Primary School

1993 – 1995: St Georges Cathedral RC Primary School

1995 – 1998: Vincent Rhymes School

1998 – 1999: Sanderson’s Centre for Criminally Insane Youths

Qualifications:

I have wun a GCSE in Workshop Class. I made a box out of different woods and glues amd it was well brilliant.

My Life Story:

I had a little bit of trouble fittings in at the schools. I didn’t mean to be misbehaved but a lots of the times I was asked to go away and never to come back to the schools again, which means I am crying at the night sometime and make mess. But now I am 28 years of ages and I am very happy.

Work Experience:

When I was at Vincent Rhymes I learn to mop up a bit.

At the SCCIY in 1999 I did a lot of work experiencing in gardens therapy and in painting aswell.

Special Skills, Talents, Abilities and Stuff:

I can run fasterly than the wind.

I like to jump off from tables and ladders.

I am good at strokings cat.

I can draw fierce creature.

I like to run very quickly.

I hate to be readings, but I like watch the cartoon.

My brother’s friend has a rabbit.

I am goodly at running.

Interests, Extra-Curricula Activities:

Bake cake, make peoples from paper, eat cake, enjoying the long walking on the beaches, design traps for the mouses, looking through the windows curtain at the peoples on the streets, capture the mouses, take the photography of my schrammer, executing the mouses, jumping into the puddle (splash), anything which is blue and some of the things which is green.

Why You Want to Hire Me:

You may live to being very ancient and never be met someone as goodly as the one person who I am being but I am the one who is the best candidates for your work. I have been through the many things which are difficult and I am still very muchly alives so you should think abobut making me the one in your company. Aslo, I will maybe be your boss one days so you should be very goods to me be! Ha ha ha ha ha.

You may emailing me on jonesartemis@yahoo.com to telling me I have got the job,

Thanks you.

Artemis Posts a Singles Advert

2008-07-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Posted on Gumtree.com, in the dating section.

Be Afraid

Yo, what's up mah bitches? I'm Artemis, but my friends call me "Art" "Arty" or sometimes "Fartemis".

I'm not going to shit you around or anything like that -I'm into well weird stuff. I like to be fed strips of raw meat when I have sex; ideally venison but whatever's available is usually fine.

I like to be lied to by my partners; however pedestrian the lies are, I love it. One girl used to lie to me about what was in her handbag. Drove me wild man.

I have a special pair of shoes (of my own design) which are basically modified high-heels. They have a series of different strengths of spring at different points in the sole which enable me to bounce quite high, something I like to do when getting intimate. I also like listening to recordings of small animals being tortured, I find it both soothing and erotic. I have a really good sound system for this purpose, just as well I don't have any neighbours! Ha ha ha ha.

I have a lot of trouble getting into the mood unless I set something on fire first, so on my bedroom floor I have a 1/100th scale model of the White House which I pour lighter fuel on right before I get started and burn for a few seconds every session. I get through a lot of fire extinguishers, so I need a girl with access to fire extinguishers. Maybe a firewoman?

I'm looking for a girl of 30 - 50 with dark hair and ideally an amputee to have really disturbing sex with. The kind of sex that makes people go "wow, that's not right man, that's kind of weird" you know what I mean? Think of Jeremy Beadle and Noel Edmunds double-teaming Anne Widdecomb to the soundtrack of The Passion Of The Christ and you'll have some idea of the kind of stuff I'm into.

So if you're up for crazy but terrifying times with someone 1/8th of an inch from being a full-blown psychopath, I'm your man.

Please form an orderly queue.

AJ

New Blog!

2008-07-18T02:08:00.000-07:00

Yo, sup dawg.

I've moved this blog now. Which is nice.

Save this URL

http://furiousgopher.blogspot.com/

and visit it once per week or I'll be round your house with a mallet and a hockey mask before you have time to empty your bowel fully.

It'll take me a little while to put up all the old posts, so bear with me. In the meantime, here's a new piece of mischief from Artemis Jones:

The "troll" is back!

A troll is someone who uses the internet to create chaos in the name of absurdity, immaturity and fun. Having been kicked off Yahoo Answers, Artemis Jones is back to applying for all manner of different stuff. We apologise for his change of voice, we do that now and then to keep it fresh.

AJ found this advert online:

The flat is a 1st floor Victorian conversion in a quiet leafy road, 5 minutes walk from INFORMATION REMOVED. Great for commuting into INFORMATION REMOVED. I am tidy and friendly, but very much appreciative of my own space and would respect my flatmate`s too. Rent includes all bills and includes wireless broadband. The flat is clean, tidy and while not "posh" has exposed floor boards, fireplaces and some character. I am looking for a flat-mate who is , clean, tidyish and friendly. Guests are fine, but the flat is very much for 2 people any more and it would feel crowded, basically, the room is not suitable for a couple. A mature / post-grad. student would be welcome, I am a part-time post-grad. student, the flat is a ten minute walk from Goldsmith`s College. I am happy to consider anybody as a flat-mate! Anon.

----- Here was the email Artemis sent:

Hello. My name is Artemis.

I`m interested in renting your room.

You say the house is "gay friendly" -this implies that you`re tolerant and open-minded, which is very good news indeed as I am on the sex offender`s register.

I`ll give you a little background about myself: I am a 32 year old ex school teacher (that`s another story for another time) with quite a serious addiction to meth.

The great thing about meth is that you can stay up really, really late and not feel tired. You also don`t need any exercise to stay slim as you don`t need much food either, which gives you lots more money just to smoke more meth and go on and on and on like that for ages. Which is really, really cool. Still; you`ve probably heard enough about my meth addiction for one day, we can discuss it in more detail sometime; say... over meth? Nice. What else?

I`m into Japanese hentai films, which are basically manga but porno. They involve demons and stuff with massive phallic appendages doing terrible things to pretty much anything that moves. If you guys are into hentai then I`m sure we`ll get along really well.

I`m in the AALF (the anti-animal-liberation-front) which is an organisation which opposes pretty much anything which is done in the interests of animals. We wear only animal skin products and we believe that eating anything other than animals is cruel and unnecessary. Once per month we take slingshots and air guns into the forest and kill anything we can see in the trees or on the ground (not humans though, we`re not weird or anything). When we`re done we pile all the blue tits, pigeons, rabbits, red squirrels and robins in a heap and set it on fire with petrol and take off our clothes and have a good old dance. It`s all good fun, you should come along sometime. Makes you feel like a man, if you know what I mean.

What else about me? I like reading and I`m particularly into anything by Mao, Mussolini and of course the great Adolph. I`m a fully paid-up member of the BNP and occasionally attend white supremacist rallies dressed all in white. It`s a lot of fun. You should come. Anyway, you can reach me on jonesartemis@yahoo.com any time you like, I don`t sleep much. But I`m not creepy or anything.

Look forward to being your new room mate!

AJ

-----

(He also sent the above picture of himself. Let's see if he gets a response.)

Yahoo Answers Experiment Terminated

2008-07-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

Yahoo Answers: So it has come to this…

July 14th, 2008

After only a few short, glorious days in the sunshine of other people`s outrage, Artemis Jones has had his Yahoo Answers account permanently deactivated.

In case you didn`t know, Artemis has been asking deliberately peculiar questions on the Yahoo community forum known as “Yahoo Answers”

It might have been the confessions of violent crimes, it might have been his indications of bestiality; it may even have been the suggestion that a young lady call her MySpace account “Mental4Kocque” -whatever, it was, the Yahoo Community have decided that they can no longer live peacefully alongside Artemis Jones.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I must wind down the Yahoo Answers experiment.

Fear not, you can read all of Artemis Jones`Yahoo Adventures on his webpage on www.gophuramungus.com or via this RSS link (which still works, for some reason)

Here`s how it happened:

Artemis logged onto his account on Saturday the 12th of July, 2008 to find it had been suspended.

He immediately appealed the decision, saying:

Dear Yahoo.

I am disgusted by your decision to suspend my account. I have not, to the best of my considerable knowledge, violated any of your so-called “community guidelines”. Please unsuspend my account immediately or face my wrath.

Artemis Jones, Professor of Psychology, Falmouth University

And the response from Yahoo Answers:

Hello,

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Answers.

We appreciate your inquiry about your suspension from Yahoo! Answers
and/or the deactivation of your Yahoo! ID. We reviewed your case, and
decided that your account is not eligible for reinstatement.

Once an account is disabled for a violation of the Terms of Service, the
subscriber to the account will lose the ability to log in and access the
account and its contents (including email and content stored with any
other Yahoo! service). The account also will not be reactivated.

Should you choose to create a new Yahoo! account, we invite you to read
the Yahoo! Terms of Service and Yahoo! Community Guidelines to help
ensure your new account is not deactivated.

Yahoo! Terms of Service:

http://info.yahoo.com/legal/us/yahoo/utos/utos-173.html

Yahoo! Community Guidelines:

http://answers.yahoo.com/info/community_guidelines.php

Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Answers. Your case number for this
issue is 50930220. Please reference it in all future communication about
this particular issue.

Regards,

Liza Nash

Yahoo! Customer Care

50930220

—-

Bitch.

The Troll Ups His Game

2008-07-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

Yahoo Answers: The Best of the Rest

July 10th, 2008

Artemis also posted this on Yahoo answers, but people were starting to get suspicious. Still, a large number of people didn't notice or care that this is total bullshit:

-----

I've been married to my wife for five years, I've known her for seven (since she was 20). On her 21st birthday I bought her a tattoo, which I designed myself. It's of a kind of Celtic serpent on the base of her back, it's really nice.

We've been really happy and relaxed for the whole of our marriage so far, or so I thought. Last week I got an email from a friend of mine with a link to an adult entertainment site. There was a video clip on the site, which showed someone who looked like my wife and three other guys doing unspeakable things. At first I wasn't sure if it was her or not, but then for about 30 seconds of the clip there's a view of her from behind and the tattoo I designed for her is visible, which means she made this video while we were together.

I don””t know how to approach her about this one and I'm really upset. What should I do?

And the answers:

Hi there,in my opinion being a husband and wife is a partnership…If you are 100% sure that it”’’s her your wife on the video.Why not showing her the video? Then,that”’’s the time you will start asking her and every single word that she will explain you have to listen and analyze it…Be calm,when you try to approach her about that video and when you try to ask her….If you don””t do that,then who will approach her?Of course,it”’’s you….you are the first person who will approach her…If you don””t,then you will carry that heavy feelings,doubt,pain,worries,fear and without peaceful mind….Whatever the result after approaching her negative or positive take it at least you””ve done your job as a partner,husband and as a man….Don””t worry !

And, a very well designed tattoo it is too. When I first took your wife from behind it kinda put me off but now I””ve gotten used to it I really like it. The other 2 guys do not like the art work but are far too busy, and polite, at the front of your wife to moan about it - unlike your missus, ha, ha. My advice to you is live with it as the extra money she is earning keeps you in vodka.

What should I do about my boss?

July 10th, 2008

From Yahoo Answers.

Artemis asked:

I have this problem at work: I've worked in the marketing department of this company for several months now. My immediate boss is a short, rather fat little man with bad breath and an ego problem; he”’’s had it in for me from day one. My boss-boss (the one who pays everybody”’’s wages) is a really attractive 38 year old woman.

Last week I was working late and my boss (Sarah) was there. She invited me into her office and we talked, but I got the feeling she was maybe hitting on me a bit. My thoughts were confirmed when she put her hand on my leg. One thing led to another and we ended up getting it on right there in her office. It was really good, and I thought it would be good for my career so I was more than happy to go along with it.

Since then my immediate boss has been really shirty with me and has been pulling me up on a load of miniscule unimportant stuff, but my actual boss has been looking at me in a rather unsubtle way and sending me inappropriate emails. How should I feel?

And someone answered:

This to me seems like bullying and should be stamped out, explain to the superior boss about what is going on im sure that she does not want a manager who bullys their staff.

Yahoo Answers: Questions of the Day

July 11th, 2008

From Yahoo Answers
By Artemis Jones

Hi, I`m a 12 year old boy at a primary school in the Midlands (England) and some of my friends have been telling me that they`re going through puberty. I`m not, and I`m really worried about it.

They told me that if you don`t go through puberty by the time you`re thirteen it means you`re gay; I really don`t want to be gay. They said you can help speed up puberty by eating lots of cucumber; they told me there are chemicals under the skin of raw cucumber that kick-start your hormone cycles and make you a man quicker. So I eat almost nothing but cucumbers now and still nothing is happening, you know, “down there”.

They also said that one thing holding back my puberty is “testicular heat syndrome” so I`ve been holding ice chips to my scrotum every night before I go to sleep.

Has anyone else got any tips about how I can get through this unpleasant period in my life?

Best answers:

jonesart- You`re good BUT the information your “friends” are giving you is both bad and untrue.

The average age of onset of male puberty is 11 to 12 years, range 9 to 14 years. The first evidence is increased testicle size followed within a few months by the growth of pubic hair. During the next 4 to 5 years, testicular growth continues, the scrotum becomes large, darker, and more rugated (wrinkled), and the penis enlarges in length and circumference. Pubic hair becomes dark, curled, and dense, filling the pubic triangle and extending up the abdomen, to the perineum (below) and to the inner thighs. The peak height velocity is reached in mid to late puberty. Spontaneous erections occur with increasing frequency. Sperm may be found in the urine and seminal (semen) emissions begin, usually in mid-puberty, as spontaneous nocturnal emission (”wet dreams”) or in response to masturbation. The average male adolescent may be fertile by age 15, physically mature by 16 or 17, and full-grown by 18 to 20 years. Those who have early onset of puberty may be fertile as they enter their teens.

Age of onset of puberty has absolutely no connection with being gay or any specific sexual orientation. Your “friends” are teasing you. No foods make a difference, so eat a well-balanced diet of healthy food you enjoy. Be a bit more patient and by age 14, probably sooner, you will notice the changes of puberty in your own body.

Source(s):
A physician

I`m telling you, someone is messing with your head, NONE of these things will change anything. Puberty takes time, your not going to be gay, whether you hold ice chips or eat cucumbers.Puberty might not start till your close to 14, Please don`t worry about it.

And another question:

From: Artemis

Does this mean I`m weird or something?
I`m a happily married 52 year old school teahcer. Last week we took a field trip to the zoo and I noticed something I`d never realised before; I think I might be attracted to ostriches. I don`t know if it`s the long legs or the fluttery eyelashes or the way their little bodies look kind of like little black skirts, and I would certainly never act on these feelings, but I need to know if this is a normal feeling, or if there`s something wrong with me. Is there anyone else out there who feels this way about ostriches?

I can`t stop thinking about them and I`d really like some feedback about this one. Thank you in advance.

Responses:

maybe they remind you of a certain feature that you like in your sexual partners. That doesn””””””””t mean that you want to have sex with the ostrich, but perhaps that you wish for a woman to have longer legs, bigger eyes, etc.

Doesn`t Dr. Phil say something like… “If you have to ask if it`s normal, it probably isn`t?” lol

I don`t know, get a big picture of one, as long as you aren`t hurting yourself or anyone else (animals included), I guess it`s okay. It is `different` though!

And one more for good measure:

From: Artemis

Do you know anywhere I can get help for this?
It started a few weeks ago when I was driving in my Dad`s old landrover on a country lane near our house. I took my eyes off the wheel to relight a doob and felt a bump. I stopped the car and got out to investigate and realised I`d hit a badger. I had to finish it off with my tyre-iron and kicked the carcass into a ditch.

The funny thing is, it was kind of a thrill. Recently I`ve been swerving a bit in order to clip foxes, rabbits, pheasants, crows -anything on the road. It kind of gives me a rush. I looked it up and hitting a wild creature in a car and it isn`t illegal as long as you don`t keep the body (to prevent people deliberately hitting game in order to eat it). But I`m not eating it, I just like the thrill. Is there something wrong with me? What should I do to get over this obsession?

Best Response:

Personally I think what you`re doing is absolutely disgusting!!! How dare you kill those innocent animals? If it was an accident - well accidents happen, but you`re going out of your way to inflict harm on them!?!

Geez if you were a friend of mine, I`d slap you!

Seriously you need some help. Get some counselling because obviously you feel the need to have power over something and determine it`s death. Clearly something is very wrong with your life.

To me, what you are doing sounds like the onset of sadistic tendencies…. Ring a counsellor, ring Citizens Advice, ring a helpline, do something and if you can`t resist the urge, please don`t drive. What happens when you step up to the next level and decide you want to try hitting a human with your car?

RSS feed: http://answers.yahoo.com/rss/userq?kid=8CreHKMYaa

Yahoo Answers: Rumbled by Some Smart Arse

July 10th, 2008

This was posted in response to one of Artemis Jones` questions:

Before I answer, I have a question for you. How do you have a wife of five years, a girlfriend whose cheated and wants to do horses, an affair with your neighbor”””’’s wife, a boss you””””ve slept with, a girl you dating, and a few other things I don””””t have time to read? And then your sister”””’’s husband tried to kiss you, after you””””ve slept with (and produced a child by) your brother”””’’s wife. No one”””’’s life is this messed up. If yours is, I suggest you move to another country and change your name. Otherwise, stop taking up well-meaning people”””’’s time by asking worthless questions.

And in another question:

In my last answer I forgot to mention the male co-worker you are attracted to, the baby doing pot and your wife in porn added to all of your girlfriend, neighbor and relative shenanigans. All in the last five days. I””””ll probably get more thumbs downs for this one, but seriously dude. Get a life.

Yahoo Answers: I need relationship Advice from a Girl…?

July 10th, 2008

Artemis posted his final question of the day on Yahoo answers, to a mixed response:

My girlfriend”’’s been acting really strangely recently. She keeps woodlice and other small bugs in jars around the house, shouts at the television whenever she sees sheep or goats on it and she walks backwards whenever she”’’s in the kitchen.

Last week she made herself a cocktail with orange juice, cranberry juice and white spirit. She said it was really nice. She”’’s subscribed to “tractor monthly” magazine and she”’’s sold all of her clothes on eBay that weren””t made in the People”’’s Republic of China, because she says she wants “to support developing economies”. She”’’s applied for a boat loan but we don””t live near the sea and she hates the water. I””m really confused, why is she acting this way?

The answers:

Maybe is is just trying to find herself and see what she really likes doing or what she is into. She could be going thru a rough time with something and is acting out to distract herself from the real problem. This all does sound very strange…I would talk to her and see what she is thinking.

I live in a house with 4 women and my father has been this way since I was young. I lived in a female only dorm last year and I””ve never heard such a story in my life, sounds like she is having some sort of a crisis or else she has some kind of mental illness.

Sounds like shes suffered from a serious physciological trauma. Try convincing her to go to a psychiatrist and have a professional sort this one out.

Yahoo Answers: My Girlfriend Loves it When I Violate Road Safety Regulations…?

July 10th, 2008

Would anyone suspect this question as being pure lies? Yes. Yes they would. But not everyone….

I was driving in my car with my girlfriend recently and I ran a red light; she became really excited and, you know, like up for it and stuff. I””””ve been deliberately cutting people off and knocking over traffic cones whenever she”””’’s in the car, just for the nookie. Is this normal?

The answers:

No that”””’’s not normal. It”””’’s selfish. You might get someone killed. Driving means being responsible (like having sex). You””””re supposed to act like a mature adult. Who cares if she gets off from that? She”””’’s shelfish if she”””’’s encouraging that. Clearly she should be more concerned for your safety as well.

God yes I””””m with your girlfriend on this one! It”””’’s the bad boy thing, you know, naughty boys are very sexy. Xxxxx

Yahoo Answers: I want to Confess but Don`t Know How…?

July 10th, 2008

Artemis really pushed the boat out when he asked Yahoo Answers this one:

A while ago my girlfriend was staying with me at my flat and she brought her dog with her. It”””’’s one of those tiny little squashy-faced things called “Demitri” -I””””ve never been a huge fan of him but I put up with him because my girlfriend loves him so much.

Well, one night when they were both staying with me I got really drunk and got into an argument with my girlfriend about something stupid and pointless. She went to bed in a huff, but I went on drinking and at some point collapsed on the sofa, on top of Demitri. I hate to say this, but I actually killed the little dog. I felt awful, but was still so drunk that I didn””””t know how to deal with it and put the body into a bag and threw it into the river at the bottom of the garden. In the morning she was all like “Where”””’’s Demitri?” and I said I hadn””””t seen him. She”””’’s been making me put up posters on lampposts saying he”””’’s lost and stuff; I want to tell her what happened but I really can””””t seem to muster the courage. What should I do?

the responses:

wow. i think that you need to tell her. it will kill her, but if she loves you then she will stay with you and get through it. since im a girl, i would want to know. instead of wasting all of the time and money looking, i would have liked to know. especially because you are now giving her false hope. i think you should work up the courage and tell her.

-
Oh my god, that is a pickle you are in :O

Ok, you really should tell her before it drags on, unless you are a mastermind liar who is fully confident in your ability to never break down. Not many people can do this so lets work on that confession.

Firstly, sit her down in a public place (well hang on, if she”””’’s really outgoing, do it at home), cause most girls won””””t get mad and cause a scene if there is possibility of embarassment. If she is likely to ***** out in a public place, call her over to your home or something. Anyway…

Remind her how much you love her and care about her feelings. Tell her that you believe in honesty in a relationship, and that you were a fool for not telling her before, but you -gasp- squished her beloved dog. Admit you and Demitri didn””””t get along like peaches and creme but immediately follow up with ””””but I would never knowingly do anything to make you sad/mad/depressed/worried/etc.”””” Throw in a little emotional voice crack here and there, and be sure to cry a little at the emotional burden toward the end, to show her that you have been through a long mental conflict and that you feel the consequences of your actions. Plus, a lot of girls I know cannot help but comfort a crying guy, I call it the mother complex. This will distract her from the common sense in her head screaming “That asshat KILLED your dog!”

Rehearsal is key here, find a random girl in the street (or another girl friend) who looks friendly and try to confess to her that you killed her dog, and be sure to get the emotion into it too, if you feel you can do it right, you should go for it and tell your girl.

Well, that”””’’s how I would deal with it. Good luck!

The Troll Continued

2008-07-09T04:23:00.000-07:00

Yahoo Answers, Part 2

OK, I`m still having a great deal of fun with Yahoo Answers. (Or Artemis Jones is, rather). I know it`s incredibly childish, but I`m trying to work out which types of questions get the most responses.

I discovered that people will believe almost anything, but the more realistic you try to make your question sound, the more likely people are to give detailed answers.

Here`s one I asked which got lots of responses:

Should I Tell Him?
OK, I badly need help on this one. A few years ago I slept with my brother`s wife when he was out of town. We were both really, really drunk and I regret it a lot. The thing is, she had a baby and she told me that the timing doesn`t work for it to be his and therefore the son who my brother and my sister-in-law are raising as there own, is actually mine. Should I tell him?

-People were outraged. Fully outraged, they called me all kinds of names and offered all kinds of advice, most of which involved me having to confess to my appalling sins.

I was intrigued by the amount of interest generated by ethical questions, so I thought I””””d try another:

This next one is a little dark, but got a lot of outraged responses (tee hee).

Did I do anything wrong?
This is a tricky one: I had a big argument with my girlfriend a few weeks ago and she stormed out of the house and didn””””t call me for a few days. When she came back, she confessed to having slept with one of my friends while she””””d been away and I got so angry that I shut her out. Later on, when it was dark, I cut the brake-fluid line in her car. I don””””t know what I was thinking, but she had a fairly non-serious accident the next day and broke her wrist. Did I actually do anything wrong?

I felt a little cruel posting this one, actually, until I remembered that Artemis, his girlfriend, her car and his crime are ALL FICTIONAL. So what did it matter? I also convinced myself that this is all in the name of sociology and experimentation, so it”’’s all fair game.

My favourite response to this one was:

You probably don””t think so, but you did do the irrational thing. I understand that you shut her out because she cheated on you with one of your mates, and that must have hurt. But you made a bad decision by cutting the brake-fluid line. You were just lucky she wasn””t seriously hurt or else you would feel terrible and guilty. It is this sort of irrational behaviour that causes alot of accidents nowadays. Just remeber “think before you act”. Next time you consider doing something silly like this, think about what the consequences are (e.g. someone getting hurt). Hope this helps.

OK, so I was on a roll. People liked questions of ethics and internet users have a lot to say about people behaving appallingly. How would they feel about this question then?

Is it Illegal?
I went out with a girl recently and had a great time. At the end of the date, I went back to her place for a coffee and at the risk of being crude, we fully got it on; all night. I really enjoyed it, but when I got up she left a note which said: “Hi AJ, thanks for a great night, sorry I had to leave. Please let yourself out. This should cover it…” and she””d left £50!!! Does this make me some kind of male hooker? Did I do wrong taking the money? Please help, I””m really confused.

A lot of people responded to this one and more people than ever knew it wasn`t true. It;s a shame that they can`t keep this to themselves though, as it might have deterred others from posting their opinions. However, it didn`t deter this guy:

I don””t know if its legal or illegal, but if it was me. I would be going to a doctor and have myself checked out for VD, or AIDS. Haven””t you learned not to go to bed with someone you don””t know. I Believe she”’’s the hooker, but I would be worried about my body. You don””t know what she may have?

Right, moving on. I knew now that I had to focus on making things sound as realistic as possible or else people would just post “You`re lying” comments under all my questions. So I had a think and came up with this one:

How Should I Feel About This?
I was at a party recently and there was a massive bowl of punch there. Everyone was having a great time (it was fancy dress) and drinking a lot of punch, when a friend of mine put about six tabs of really strong LSD into the punch and told me not to tell anyone. I don””t do narcotics, so I didn””t touch the punch but lots of other people there went on drinking it and one or two of them totally freaked out and didn””t know what was going on. My friend thought this was really funny, but I don””t really know if it was: I can””t help but feel there was something a little bit morally wrong with what he did; like it was maybe a bit unethical. Or am I being a prude? What do you think?

This one is another pretty dark little story, but very few people thought it was untrue. My favourite response:

i think the friend was a jerk,and some people dont do lsd cause it can kill them,next time i would spread around dont drink the punch,peace

But that wasn`t as funny, it simply wasn`t that funny. I needed something which would be funny, but sound realistic. Then I had a stroke of genius and posted the question which got more than 30 hits in its first five minutes of being online:

What Should I Do About My Girlfriend?
I recently came home from work early to find my girlfriend watching a video file containing adult content. I was really shocked, especially since the content in question involved several women and a large horse. She was really embarrassed and later admitted that it”’’s something that really interests her and she wants to try and explore this interest with me at some point. I love her, but I don””t know how to feel about this. Please help! What should I do?

Fewer people than you might expect thought this was a lie.

My favourite answer?

Tell her to start off with a pony and work her way up to a horse, but you don””t have sex with farm animals, only house pets.

until next time amigos.

FG AKA AJ

The Troll is Born

2008-07-08T04:22:00.000-07:00

Yahoo Answers Part 1

July 8th, 2008

I have a new toy.

Sometimes, when I want to find out a piece of information quickly, I`ll type my exact question directly into my Google search bar. For example:

“How many lbs in 14 stone?”

-Try it. It is well ace man.

Well, one day I was checking out this feature, actually to do some research for a blog I was writing; and found myself directed to “Yahoo Answers” –a kind of community forum for Yahoo Mail account holders.

Well wouldn’t you have guessed it; Artemis Jones has a Yahoo Mail account, so I thought it would be a good idea to start using this marvellous question-asking system as quickly as possible.

The system works like this: you are given 100 points for signing up to the Yahoo Answers service. You are then deducted points for every question you ask and awarded points for every question you answer. If someone selects your answer as the “Best Answer” to their question, you get loads of points. If you select someone else’s answer to your question as the “Best Answer” you get points too. What fun. If you get enough points, you go up a level and you get a whole load more rights and privileges and stuff.

The people who answer questions on Yahoo Answers are numerous and varied. For the most part, however, it seems like everybody wants to be awarded “Best Answer” so you`ll get answers to questions you post within mere minutes of putting them online. These people seem so eager to please, so intent on getting more points that I simply have to mess with them.

Plan Number One: Song Lyrics.

Basically, I ask questions from songs. Silly, I know, but incredibly fun.

“What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?”
Is one I asked early on. Here are some answers I got:

“just hold your head high and move on. Theres too many fish in the see to give up on one”

And

“If it was really love, it will hurt horribly for a long time. The best thing to do is CUT ALL CONTACT!! You will always have feelings, but over time the pain will go away.
Once it”””’’s gone, move on.”

And

“Look at it as a chance to take you life back! Go do what you want, when you want.. It”””’’s not like you””””ll never fall in love again… also take some time to look at yourself and any faults that may have caused this broken heart and challenge yourself to fix them.”

Though I awarded “Best Answer” to someone who (correctly) put:

“who have come and now departed”

Yahoo answers is totally addictive and I really recommend it for anyone who likes to wind up strangers on the internet. Other questions Artemis has asked include:

“Why Can`t We Be Friends?”

“What you gon` do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?”

“He was a guy, she was a girl; can I make it any more obvious?”

And, of course: “Do you know the way so San Jose?”
(A lot of people did, though most people recommended MapQuest.com)

Things take on a slightly more sinister tone when you start asking questions which sound real, but aren’t. Here’s one Artemis posted today:

What Should I do about my Neighbour`s Wife?
I`ve been having a very hot passionate affair with my neighbour`s wife for about six weeks now. She`s about 15 years older than me, but she`s totally smoking hot and she does all kinds of crazy stuff that`s like, “wow” fully, totally awesome. Thing is, I go bowling with my neighbour every Friday and I don`t know how long I can keep up the charade. And he`s a cop. And he`s much, much bigger than me. But she says he doesn`t satisfy her (you know, like, in the sack and stuff) any more, which is why she and I are getting down to it so often. My neighbour found my wallet at his place the other week and I had a really hard time explaining why it was there, I think things are about to get ugly. What should I do?

A lot of people knew fine well that this was nonsense, but not everybody. Here`s my favourite answer so far:

“run f*cking run. move even. why would you get involved like that? especially with a neighbour who”””’’s hubby is a big cop sorry but your a tool. x x x”

Another time I pretended that I was Tom Cruise in Cocktail, relayed the entire plot of the film and then asked people what they think I should have called my bar. (The correct answer would have been “Cocktails and Dreams” but people didn`t get that).

The sad thing about my ongoing exploitation of this system is that every now and then I post a question which I would genuinely like a bit of help with, like “What should I do about my job?” or “Should I get a parrot or a kitten?” –Things like that. People are so forthcoming and earnest (probably because there are points at stake, though we should ignore that for the purposes of this outro) that it`s really encouraging to know that people are going to answer your questions as soon as you post them.

Kind of restores one`s faith in the species. A little.

Sex Discrimination

2008-07-07T04:22:00.000-07:00

It might be something of a cliche, but I myself am a feminist.

“Oh Jesus, not one of those men who claims to be a feminist!”

Yup.

It might come as a result of having three very forceful intelligent women in my direct family, or it might just be that I despise most forms of discrimination in general, but I am, without a doubt, a staunch supporter of feminists across the globe. Girl power!

However, there is one issue that really, really bothers me: female-only care insurance advertisements.

It is against the law to discriminate on the grounds of sex (or gender) in the provision of goods, facilities or services to the public. (SDA)

So how can Sheilas Wheels (and other girl-power insurance companies) get away with this? There”’’s feminism, which is a good thing; and then there”’’s breaking the law -which in most cases is not such a good thing.

I thought it would be a good idea to look into this a little further, by trying to apply for an insurance policy on Sheila”’’s Wheels.

Mr Artemis Jones is a 25-year-old primary school teacher who drives a 1999 Ford Fiesta 1.3cc with 4 years no claims. He keeps his car in a garage, it is fitted with an immobiliser and an electronic alarm and he has held his license for about 4 years. He could enter all of this information without being told he had to “fuck off” because of his penis. They gave Artemis a quote for £458.86 per year, or a deposit plus £41.26 per month. It is expensive, but Sheila’’s Wheels is OK with him being a dude.

And Diamond.com? Same story. Even though the first thing you read on the website is “Hey Girls, with a comprehensive car insurance policy for women you get…” and the URL of the “Retrieve a Quote” section is: //www1.createdjustforwomen.co.uk/QE3. They quoted Artemis an annual fee of £463.55

So it would appear that whilst these insurance companies seem to be providing services for women only, they are actually not discriminating at all.

That said, their advertisements; indeed their very websites, consistently imply that they are for women only.

So my plan is thus:

1.) Set up a bog-standard car insurance company like any other
2.) Launch an advertising campaign with these main key points:

“Women are terrible at reverse parking and will frequently dink their bumper when manoeuvring into a space three times the width of their vehicle”

“Women are irrational and emotional, making them liabilities behind the wheel; the risk of them being cut off by an inconsiderate driver and then breaking down into tears and losing control of their car is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than the same thing happening to a male driver”

“Women ignore warning signs in their cars, like loss of power, oil/petrol lights and strange noises from the engine”

“Women are more interested in the appearance of their car (and themselves) than road safety. Women will often use rear-view mirrors to apply make-up and dangle fluffy objects from a number of dangerous places inside their vehicles”

“Women are preoccupied with footwear. Inappropriate footwear leads to loss of control of the clutch, brakes and accelerator in a car and therefore women who have many different types of shoes (most, if not all women) are very dangerous when driving”

“Women are skittish and easily distracted by sparkling and shiny objects”

3.) Let the shit-storm rain.

I do not believe in the points I have just made, most of the women I have ever known are safe drivers (with a few exceptions). But the truth is, if companies are allowed to bemoan men as unsafe and pitch their products exclusively to women, would it not be fair to allow men the same privilege?

Then there is the statistical argument. Let us ignore the fact that women make more claims on their insurance in the UK than men and focus on this: men are not as safe behind the wheel as women.

“We can prove it. Look at the numbers. Etc.”

OK, fair enough. if you are going to have a statistical argument then, would it not be “legal” to refuse black people various services (like life/household insurance) based on so-called “statistics” about crime rates? No, that would not be OK, that would be incredibly racist and nobody would ever allow it. And rightly so.

Can you imagine how the public would feel about a “Whites Only” health insurance advertisement?

Even if they were, in fact, offering that service to people of all ethic backgrounds, the advertisement itself would be condemned, would it not?

Wait a minute…

2008-07-04T04:21:00.000-07:00

I might be stating the obvious here, but if you are born a woman and have a sex-change operation making you legally a man, is it not it a teensie bit contrived to become pregnant and dominate headlines as “the world’’s first pregnant man” ?

The FG/GMP Bordeline Suicidal Guide to Surf Kayaking

2008-06-27T04:18:00.001-07:00

Let us establish first up that I am no expert at surf-kayaking. Far, far from it.

Indeed, it is my very lack of experience and expertise that qualifies me to write this piece. If I really knew what I was talking about, this post would have a different title. As it happens, this season has been my first summer in the surf and I have been royally battered by the power of the ocean. As such, I would like to offer you a raw and 100% honest guide to this sport for absolute beginners who want to feel true terror.

—-

“Trust you to take something cool and sexy, like surfing, and make it gay by combining it with something lame and faggy, like kayaking.”

“Fuck you.”

End conversation.

—-

And so it goes. This is a niche sport, you will be despised by body-boarders, surf-boarders, wind-surfers and swimmers. Kayaks are very fast and you’re capable of paddling out through incoming surf much quicker than others in the water. This means you can be perceived as a hog, especially given that your ability to chase swell is also much greater than most other forms of surfer.

Add to this the fact that you’re sitting in a big, heavy lump of plastic and carrying a 2 meter (I actually use 194cm) metal pole with a sharp plastic blade on each end… surf kayakers can be a bit intimidating to other water users.

So my first tip: Ignore the fools and the morons, for they know not what they are talking about.

My second tip is “make sure you’ve got all the right shit.”

Here is what that is:

1.) A surf-kayak. I use a Dagger “Juice”. It’s seven feet, two inches long and heavily rockered (scooped at the bow and the stern to get through big waves) and has nice comfortable seating. And a water-bottle, it’s got a water bottle in it too.
2.) A spray deck. Get a bolt-on neoprene spray deck and make sure it’s not too tight. If it is too tight it’s take forever to fit it. More importantly, it should pop off easily when you bail.
3.) A paddle. Get a proper surf-kayak paddle. These have shaped blades to better engage the wave and are not too long (like I said, about 194cm is pretty average for someone 6 footish) shorter paddle means shorter strokes and ultimately more maneuverability and control.
4.) A shortie wetsuit (3mm). This should be fine for summer usage (mine worked fine in April). I think longer wetsuits restrict your flexibility; and you need to be flexible.
5.) Neoprene gloves (5mm) for your wee hands.
6.) Neoprene booties for your feet.
7.) A buoyancy jacket (using a wind-surfing one, which is gel/foam filled and smooth on the outside will create less drag than those other ones which suck).
8.) A helmet. For you head. Get a watersports helmet from Protech maybe. I have one, but haven’t felt the need to use it yet.
9.) A car, a roofrack and some straps. And a bike chain, to chain your kayak to your car when it’s unattended.
10.) Two inflatable buoyancy bags for the stern of your kayak. these have no effect whatsoever, until the kayak fills with water, at which point they become incredibly handy.

That should be all you need.

Next, pick a nice beach somewhere with some decent waves and paddle out through them until you’re near the back of the swell. If you are paddling head-on into a white wave, it might be worth leaning right back in the cockpit at the last minute, to raise the front of your kayak and help the wave pass effortlessly under you. If you get tipped bow-over-stern when you do this, the wave is too big for this technique, so you need to “punch-through”. This involves putting in a few quick strokes to build up speed, holding your paddle up over your head (to a} give you balance and b} prevent the paddle from smacking you in the face when the wave hits you) bending your head down and letting the wave break over the top of you. Both techniques require one or two strong strokes on the other side of the wave to get you free of their drag and to restore your balance.

Once you’re at the back, pick your moment. When you see some nice swell building behind you, angle yourself at about 45 degrees to the wave, towards the beach and paddle like crazy. If you’re moving too slowly when the wave hits you, your nose will stall and you’ll be flipped arse-over-tit. You need as much speed as you can manage. The aim is to catch the seaward edge of your kayak (or the seaward “rail”) in such a way that it bites into the face of the wave and you can control the kayak almost entirely by shifting your weight around and balancing carefully. If you time it right, the wave will be about the break (kayakers call the break-point the “power pocket”) and you will be shooting sideways down the face of the wave away from the white water behind you. To steady yourself, adjust your trim or your speed or to pull off a sweet, long turn; lean into the wave with the seaward blade of your paddle. This is “engaging” the wave. You can also use the beachward paddle as a rudder, to direct you back up the face of the wave or to point more directly towards the beach to build speed.

Congratulations, you’re surf-kayaking.

Some pointers for you:

Practice “bongo sliding” (as Simon Hammond calls it) which is sitting side-on the a white wave and letting it hit you like that. Adjusting your balance will help you understand how your kayak’s edges work. When you get it right, you skim towards the beach sideways. This is fun in its own right, but it is also good practice for surfing big green waves, as you can slide a little between moves.

Practice getting totally wiped out by a wave. I’m not going to lie, this scares the bejesus out of me. There is no feeling like being trapped upside down in your cockpit while a wave relentlessly breaks over you. Still, you need to know how to handle it and how to roll up or bail out. The best ways to get completely obliterated by a wave are: 1.) Paddle head-on towards a green wave which is about the break. At the last minute, take a deep breath and lean back as hard as you can. 2.) Face the beach and wait for a massive white wave. You’ll hear it coming. Don’t paddle, just sit still. Effectively, your bow will be stationary as your stern picks up a lot of speed. This is the recipe for a delicious wipeout.

Get out there on the water as often as you can. I go most days after work and as often as I can at weekends and I still suck. There is no substitute for experience, especially with an activity which requires as much balance and focus as this one.

Bugout

2008-06-27T04:18:00.000-07:00

It might not be today, it might not even be this year, but sooner or later Western Society is going to crumble and we”re all going to have to have a long, hard think about how we”re going to survive.

Maybe the bombs start falling, maybe the sea level rises dramatically, maybe our economy crumbles and our police, armed forces and emergency services are completely tied up. Whatever it is, the shit-storm is coming. You want to get out of the city and into the wilderness. What do you do then?

1.) Your kit.

Mungus has made a pretty exhaustive list, highlighting the essential bug-out components on www.gophuramungus.com. However, I”d like to add my tuppence-worth:

a.) Clothing. You’re going to need durable, fast-drying clothing. Army surplus stuff is cheap and made specially for this purpose. As well as staying warm and dry, it’s going to be really useful to protect your hands and face. I recommend at least one pair of heavy-duty gloves, a covert-forces balaclava and some rugged sunglasses or goggles. It might also be very useful to remain inconspicuous, so camo fatigues and a camo jacket are important. Footwear is critical. Again, army-boots are perfect (you’ll need polish and dobbin to keep them in good waterproof working order) and a pair of heavy-duty sandals (like Merrills) could come in handy too. Think water-proofing: ponchos, anoraks and neoprene.

A good quality sleeping bag with a stitched-in waterproof base is essential.

b.) Tools and weapons.

A handbook about edible plants in your region could save your life. Try “Food For Free” by Richard Mabey.

A means of hunting game and catching fish is very important, as is the means of skinning, gutting, butchering and cooking your fare. Mungus would almost certainly recommend a high-quality rifle-bow (150 draw weight, 122 FT Pounds of Energy) with 20″ heavy-weight shafts and broadhead tips. This should take care of pretty much any land-game.

Snare-wire is always handy for trapping. he would also recommend a high-quality slingshot with 9.5mm steel ball bearings, which should bag you the odd squirrel, rabbit or hare (all edible) without too much trouble; and taking out pigeons and pheasants with such a catapult would be pretty straightforward.

A good quality stainless steel blade of 6″ or more and a sharpening stone are essential (more on blades to follow)

*NEVER CARRY KNIVES OR CONCEALED WEAPONS*

As for fishing, I would recommend always having a slingshot-style spear gun (like the excellent Seac Arrow 75) somewhere nearby, along with a wetsuit, fins and a snorkel. A 9ft spinning rod and fixed-spool reel, 6g to 12.5g Tobys (or similar metallic lures), swivels and 8lbs breaking-strain line is probably the most versatile shore-fishing rig you can get and will bag you brown and sea trout, salmon, mackerel and bass without lots of faffing around with different tackle. This tackle will work equally well in still or moving water, as well as in both fresh water and sea water.

So that should take care of your food; though you’ll need some dry paper, lighters and at least one light-weight cooking pot/mess tin to cook it all with.

However, you’re going to have to consider the “human risk”. Come the breakdown of society it will take very little time before most of the population becomes desperate. Desperate people are dangerous people and you’ll need to be very wary of this. The cities will be uninhabitable, almost immediately. Major transport routes will be crawling with brigands raping and pillaging their way from one place to the next; stealing food, fuel and equipment. You will need weapons and you are going to need to know how to use them.

*NEVER CARRY KNIVES OR CONCEALED WEAPONS*

A concealed weapon will come in handy if you are abducted or captured.

*WE ARE NOT ABDICATING CARRYING WEAPONS BEFORE THE BREAKDOWN OF SOCIETY*

I favour a hatchet in a poppered-leather sheath, strapped over your shirt and under your jacket, somewhere on your back. Practice drawing it quickly and quietly.

*NEVER CARRY KNIVES AS WEAPONS*

Once civilisation breaks down, your hunting knife should be at your side at all times. Keep the handle and sheath in good condition by treating them with wax or oil according to what they’re made of. Keep the blade in good condition by oiling it, cleaning it after every use and ensuring it always has a good, clean, cutting edge. You’ll need at least two other knives on your person AT ALL TIMES. One stiletto blade, similar to a filleting knife should be sheathed and concealed safely somewhere on your upper body. A boot-knife is a good last resort. We recommend the 65594 Military Boot Knife Sheath Knife.

*NEVER CARRY KNIVES OR CONCEALED WEAPONS*

A good quality machete will chop wood and clear undergrowth. It’s also an effective deterrent against ambush or assault.

*NEVER CARRY KNIVES OR CONCEALED WEAPONS*

These blades, as well as your slingshot, spear gun and rifle bow should give you an edge over the brigands.

Other tools you might need include a trenching shovel (for burying waste) empty sandbags (for filling with sand and holing up) a compass, a multi-tool penknife, sewing kit, first aid kit, wind-up waterproof torch and some good quality ropes, lines and string. You”ll also need shelter, so think about a small bivy-tent and some tarp to construct your own bivy shelter. Binoculars will help you spot game and distant threats.

c) Transport

Forget about your car. Or rather, use it to get as far from populated areas as you can (being careful to avoid major highways and settlements) and then ditch that sorry sack of shit and get walking. Petrol and diesel will be very scarce.

You should be able to carry all of your kit on your back. Get a good backpack and make sure everything you own is properly waterproofed.

Remember, the UK is an island and interspersed by usable waterways, so get yourself a canoe, kayak or inflatable of some kind and strap it to your car. All rivers flow to the sea, so are an excellent escape route. A reliable water vessel will also assist with fishing. You wont get very far over land carrying a 16ft canoe by yourself, so look into a rugged trolley (around £100). You can then load some kit into your boat as you drag it. A canoe can also be used as part of a shelter and, when upside down, is an excellent waterproof “storage hut”.

d) Water.

Water is extremely important. You need:

A portable water filtration/desalination system

and

A means of storing fresh water

and

Water purification tablets

So here is what we suggest:

Aquasak Mobile Hydration system with inline filer (around £75, available here)

Chlorine tablets (available here)

That’s you.

Good luck.

Perceptions

2008-06-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

I never used to like students.

I still dont, as it happens, I think theyre awful.

However, I was a student for five years, so I suspect during that time I probably put my prejudices aside and got on with it. Now Ive graduated I think theyre awful again.

I never used to like “suits” either, I thought they were sellouts; prostitutes of the man, wankers who talk about motorways recreationally:

“The A338? Great bit of road that.”

and go to “cocktail parties” and represent everything which is sick in this capitalist society. But at this point in my life I wear a suit every day. Funny old world, innit.

I think the most notable example of my becoming the very thing that you hate is surfing. Youve seen surfers, right? With their tans and their designer beachwear and their “Im better than anyone else” attitudes, right? Yeah, you know what Im talking about. You know the guys who travel from central London to Britains coasts in their VW Transporters and when they get there have the audacity to complain about “tourists” as though their surf-boards automatically make them locals. Wankers.

And now? Now I surf. I surf in my surf-kayak, admittedly, but Im starting to really get what all these bastards I despise are talking about; starting to understand that look in their eye as they gaze out to sea. Hell, Im even starting to use their words: “Clean, blown-out, impact zone, power pocket…” the list goes on. Every day as I sit (in my off-the-rack M&S suit pretending to be a proper person) at my computer it gets to about 3.15 and I start looking out the window, willing 5pm to come round a bit sooner so I can speed home and get out on the water.

I check Magic Seaweed for the days surf report every half hour, but invariably go out anyway irrespective of swell height, wind direction, rain. I look at the surf cams all the time, picking the best spot in advance. I trawl through eBay and Amazon looking for bargains on buoyancy, webbing, neoprene… the works.

I have dreams about engaging the “green, glassy face” of a wave with my paddle and pulling off a bottom turn with the crashing force of the ocean at my stern… man. Awesome. Radical. Cowabunga.

Im such a hypocrite.

Phone Games #3

2008-06-20T04:15:00.000-07:00

It was Mungus.

his uppance will come.

Phone Games #2

2008-06-19T04:14:00.000-07:00

So this unknown guy/girl who made me paranoid is receiving yet more text messages from my colleagues” phones.

To yesterday’’s prank we received a text back, which read “WTF?!”

So I approached colleague number two and borrowed his phone, sending this li”l beauty:

“Hey man, you going to be about this weekend? We”re all going up the bridge, you-know-who has a big bag of you-know-what for us. X”

The reply: “Yeah sure. Why not. Who the fuck is this?”

To which we replied: “Im a little offended that you don”t have my number, buddy.”

His/her response: “So am I. Who r u b4 I run out of credit. And what bridge?X”

Then I sent this text from a different number: “Hey babe. I really miss u, I love bein woke up like that u give gr8 hed. Jane was askin after u an I said id not seen u since the crash. That ok? X c u 2night maybe?”

Before replying to the bridge question with: “I think I might have the wrong number- who is this please?”

His/her response to that number was: “Ha. Nice try Mister X (he/she put my actual initial). Should I expect the same charade from the other numbers too?”

Cunning motherfucker. I was rumbled. Still, fight the good fight and all that.

We replied: “That makes no sense, what are you on about?”

No reply as yet.

But by this time the bastard had already sent ME the following text, to my own mobile: “I can”t wait till you get home. I hope you like surprises.”

So I looked up withholding phone numbers from landlines (it’’s 141 before you enter the whole number, by the way) and called them from my work phone. It was, as I suspected, a man; but I can”t tell which one, since the voice had been sillyfied. I let him say “hello” a few times and after 23 seconds of silence on my end he hung up. Burn.

Then I texted this from my own phone (playing innocent, you know?):

“Hey there. I don”t know if I told you this, but my old phone was stolen and I lost all of my contacts. Since I”m in the process of moving house at the moment (a lie, I”m not) I find it highly unlikely that you”ve located my new address and whatever surprises may or may not be waiting for me at the old place are the letting agency’’s problem now, not mine. Reveal your identity.”

This could be a stalemate. Maybe I should just take a permanent marker into various local toilets and advertise the cell number as “hot text love available here” or something.

Watch this space. If the person in question is reading this, then I guess you”ve seen my whole hand now; but know this. I will not rest until your body is suspended on a spike at the entrance to my fortress.

Phone Games

2008-06-18T04:14:00.000-07:00

I had my mobile phone nicked recently, which dented my already floundering respect for the human species.

Fortunately, it was insured. I claimed my new phone (actually slightly better than my old one) and set about the process of restoring my contacts.

I sent an email to everyone in my Gmail address book, informing them of the incident and that I no longer had their numbers. I then made my first mistake: I included my mobile number on the email.

For the most part, people were very helpful -emailing their sympathies about the burglary and providing me with their contact information. Which was nice. Those who failed to respond have been culled from my contacts list, so in many respects a complete address-book reset can be quite a good thing.

However, as I sat in my newly-secured ground-floor flat burning one down and relaxing after work I received a text message from an unknown number which read:

I”m watching you.

Being in a slightly paranoid state of mind anyway; and the burglary itself still fresh on my mind, I took no chances. Drawing my curtains and concealing a 12″ butcher”’’s knife up the inside of my sleeve I went for a little walk around my building and found nobody, and began to consider who might have sent such a text.

Today, I thought of a come-back.

From a colleague’s mobile phone I sent the following text message:

*some text missing* if you have not returned the form by the 23rd of June 2008, we may be forced to take legal action.

We”re thinking up some other ingenious ways of messin’ with this fool; we still have about 5 mobile phone numbers to play around with from here (work) so we should get some nice mileage out of this until the bastard breaks and reveals his/her identity.

Unless she/he is reading this, in which case I messed up again.

Girly Roomshare

2008-06-03T04:13:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones Part 5

Advert posted on “Gumtree.com”

2 girls looking for another one girl to share a tripple room in Shoot Up Hill - Kilburn Station(Jubilee line). The fully equipt kitchen with washing and dryer machine, bathroom and living room are shared between the all flat mates. Weekly price includes all bills and internet. 2 weeks deposit and 2 weeks rent in advance required.

Response emailed from Artemis Jones:

Hiya!

My name is Mr Jones and I am want to live in your room with three girls. You says you wanting to have another girl, but I do not think you should have another girl, I think you should be having to live with you a man insteads of another girl.

You live in Shoot Up Hill, which is good because I’m like to shoot up and this is OK. I also like makeporn and I hope it is OK if I am makeporn on my mobile telecophone a lot of the times? I am hope you will all helping me in makeporn because often people are said they are findings it bored to watch just me and the schrobber and would like to have maybe to be there aswell many girls so this is another reasoning to that you should let me in the house live with the girls please.

Do you liking to walk around in your underwears or maybe even naked? I do like these things, so I hope you do not mind if I am do this a lot. I is ask because I once lived with an old woman who becomes very scaring when she wakes up and I am with my Schrobber in her face! I do not meaning harms by doings this, but I do like to walk in the house naked into the rooms of other people when they are sleeping; it is good for the night air to be on my Schrobber and it is an exciting feeling to show it to peoples when in they are a sleeps.

I am excited about living in the house with you.

Please let me come and see the place so I can begin to be live there.

A. Jones

In Search of a Job

2008-06-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones Part 4

In case you didn’t know; I have a friend called “Artemis Jones” who’s looking for a job.

Recently he found this advert online:

Live-in nanny full time position starting in September 2008.

Family (London) looking for a long-term full time Nanny. Please note it is not an au-pair position.

We have 3 children: DETAILS REMOVED FOR PRIVACY REASONS
You must love children, have lots of energy, be organized and tidy, reliable, have fluent English (Italian or Spanish are a plus).
Previous experience with more then one child essential, driving licence (mainly to drive in Europe – right end side) and swimming are a must.
European passport or visa that allows you to travel freely in Europe and generally around the world is essential as are checkable references. Get ready to travel to new places…

Our previous nannies have been with us for long periods of time (4 and 3 years) and we are looking for someone who would enjoy being with us for a while.
We understand privacy is important to everybody and we fully respect that in our family.

Would you be interested in discussing the position, salary and other details, please do contact me by email at EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED

Regards
NAME REMOVED

And the reply:

FROM: Artemis Jones
To: NAME REMOVED
Subject: Nanny Position

Dearling Woman,

I am liking to apply for the position of nanny to sort out your children and your home.

I am not very fan of the childrens, but I know you are agreeing with me that I speak very perfect English and I am organized and tidy: I like to organise things a lot, especially things that were untidy before and I make them tidier! I can not speak Italian or Spanish but when I was a smaller man I made up a new speak language which is much better than both these languages and I can teach you but it will take a longs time and you will need to work very hard and be disciplined but it is worth it because only I know how to speaks it.

I have experience with more than one childs -once I drove many children in a bus into a wall but a lot of them were OK so it is very nice. Everybody was surprised that I did not break more of bones because the bus was very travelled quickly into the wall and the wall was very broke. Anyway, you saying that I must have a driving license, but I am not allowed to be driving after the bus time which I was said about, but I know you will still want to be hiring me because I am much better than the other peoples who are apply for the position.

You say I must be swimming. I do not like to swim. As a babies I was made to swim a lot because the house we lives in back in those day was always very wet and my room was in the basements which was also very wet. So I know how to be swim but I like to stay dry when I can.

As for the passport and visas, I am not even supposing to be in the Untied Kingdom, but I am here now; so I know you will agreed that it does not matters that I do not have a passport and visas because if I am here now without these things then it is OK for me to be anywheres else without the same things and it is all fine. I do like to travel to new places though, I went to see Dentist for the very first time yesterday but he made my mouth hurt and I did some bowel on his chair because I was frightened of his drilling and mask and he made me go before he was finishing with the things that have been wrong in my mouth. But normal I like to travel to new places.

I know that I will enjoy being with you for a while. I like to hug people often and sometimes I like to hug people I do not even know at alls because I am so friendly. I do not know the “nanny position” as you say but I am fan of many positions which I can show you like dog and lotus and cowgirl and others which I can be show you. I will need lots of privacy because some of my projects are very private and some of the projects do not smell so good either and my squirrels need more attentions in the evening when they become very active and I must be around to prevent them from getting gays with each other or with different pieces of furniture around the place which sometimes is be stained.

I like to cook.

I will need about £40,000 per year to pay off debt and to invested in my experimental cross-breeding projects which are not successful now because the police are always be taking away many of the animals I have been tried to make into my families.

You can email me here and tell me when I can begins take care of you and your childrens.

A. Jones

——

Hopefully, this time, he’ll get the job.

NEWS: He did actually get a response this time:

Sent 03/06/08: “What about right now or… I correct myself… In onether life…”

Which I think is someone’s attempt at humour -an encouraging sign that there is life out there.

In response to those annoying “Penis Enlargement” things that keep happening.

2008-06-02T04:11:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones, Part 3

This blog’s been getting spammed quite a lot by some lowlifes who seem to think that their claims of penis enlargement medication are having some kind of impact.

Well, I thought Artemis should email one of the people in the company and get his views across:

From Artemis Jones
To alexkornmy@yandex.ua (this is his real email address, feel free to send him lots of emails, but use a fake address or you’ll be on his mailing list in no time)

Hello Alex,

It was very good to be hearing from you about the things you have been saying about making my schrobber much bigger in quickly time.

You were being said that “she cries over your size” -but I do not know who you haves mean by “she”. Am I to be understand that you will be making my schrobber much more bigger and finder me a woman to show it to and to make her crying? If so then I would be likes to give you much my business.

My schrobber is already one and a halfs inch long, which many people say is very big. In honest I must say that when I just said about findings a woman to cry I measured again my schrobber and it was almost three inches! So whatever you are now doing it is working, thank you.

There was a time when I used to take out my Schrobber in publics and wave it around in front of people! Once I even put it in a man’s ice-cream when he was sit on a bench in park!!! He turns awayed and I unzips my jean and rested the end of my Schrobber on the top of his ice creams which made it feel very cold!

Anyways, I would like to give you my cashes so you can make me more manish, please send me an email when you have thought about some of the things which have been sayed in this email and we will continue to be talk about the bigger manhood and the prostitute you have offered for me to show the bigger Schrobber to so that I can make her cry. I like the women to cry. That is actualy why I was put in the prisons in the first places, but if you and myself will be the good friends which I am hoping that you and me will be being then you will have a lots of times to find out about the rapesandmurders later.

I love you.

A. Jones

A Simple Misunderstanding

2008-05-18T04:09:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones… Part Two

I received another email from the ex-pat site I use for international job hunting. Much like gumtree.com, this site also allows its users to plug their own freelance careers, which is what this young lady was up to. I thought it was a good opportunity to get Artemis Jones on the case.

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: undisclosed sender@gmail.com

Category: Jobs Offered
Region: The Hague

1 — Yoga lessons

I’m name has been removed, an italian teacher of Hatha Yoga. I have just arrived in The Hague. Waiting for opening my own school here..for next months, if you are interested in private lessons (or small groups as weel) just contact me!

—–

And Artemis’s reply:

Dearing name has been removed for privacy,

I have been in living the Hague now for many month and have not yet found a prostitute who will do what you have said you will be doing. I like the small groups, but I am very interesting in the “private lessons” which you have been speak about.

I am not knowing “Hatha Yoga” but I once saw a “Karma Sutra” in a bathroom in a bus station and spent many happy minutes looking at it before I was becoming late for my bus and had to put away my schrobber and get out of the bathrooms! It was very funny.

So you are sure what it is that I am being talking about -I am VERY interested in private lessons and I will also be liking to do small groups, as you say, but only if I am the only one who is a man because I do not like to look at the schrobbers of other mens and I very much like many women at once but only if they are not fat and do not have many diseasings!

I look forward to paying you for sex.

A. Jones

Childish but Immensely Fun

2008-05-15T04:07:00.000-07:00

Artemis Jones Part 1

OK, so this is really, really childish, but I can’t seem to help myself. Messing with people I have never met before is like a drug to me and I can’t kick the habit.

Here’s how this little thing started: I get emails from a company which recruits workers from the UK for jobs throughout Europe. I’m quite interested in moving to the Netherlands at some point, so I’ve set up this account to send me jobs from various places throughout that fine, flat country.

I got this email recently, and responded (below) from my Artemis Jones account immediately. (Artemis is one of my fictional dudes, used for silly juvenile nonsense like this. The picture below is a shopped image made from a real photograph of someone I found on the internet using the search criteria: "very ugly man").

Here Goes:

Original Email:

Category: Jobs Offered
Region: Somewhere in Holland

1 — Looking for an Au Pair starting in September

We are a Dutch family living in “undisclosed location” looking for a female Au pair starting in September.Knowledge of the English language are required and Dutch would be an advantage.
We have 3 children, (information removed for privacy purposes. They’re all girls under 10 though). The duties and rooster for the Au pair would be monday to friday and to prepare the children for school in the morning, some average household and ironing and picking the children from school in the afternoon.
Weekends are always free except for an occasional babysitting and the position offered is Living in. we provide good facilities and the Au pair also has her own private bedroom and bathroom. Buses and trams are readily available and we live 10 mins. form the city centre and the beach.we are looking forward to hearing from any interested candidate should our profiles match.

Furious Gopher’s Response (Writing as Artemis Jones)

Hi there!

I am replying to the advert which was sent to me from the website that sends out the adverts to the people who are members of the club which the website is.

I cannot speak any Dutch and my English is quite poor. I am not woman either; but I think I am the perfect man for the job. Here’s why:

Since graduating from rehabilitation in 1998 I hardly smoke any crack. My parole officer advised me not to talk to children or be near to them; but I am fond of the challenge and have much love to give and to share. There was not even enough evidence to convict on the second case, so for all you know I have never even killed a person! So I am good.

It is good that you say the afternoons would be free, for I have many different things to do in the afternoon and my squirrels are not going to be feeding themselfs!!!

I am no longer allowed to drive car, but I have a rickshaw which I use a lot so I could be taking your children away from their school and to different places in the rickshaw and it will all be very very well.

I am a good house-guest, my squirrels are not noisey but sometimes they make smell but it is ok, it is a good smell. I have never used “iron”; since the accident I am very very afraid of them; but I would be willing to try to iron things if ironing is very important, but I think I can be convincing you that ironing is stupid and unnecessary and you should never iron things.

Sometimes I may be missing for a while; I am sorry to have say but I will not always know when I may have to be going missing. I do not always be remembering where I go, but I am always back again and I am good at the appearing unexpectedly which people say is much fun!!!

I like the beach and you are near to beach so this is good. I like to bury things in the sand at the beach and sometimes I cannot find them again!

I hope you feel our profiles match I am very looking forward to you being back in touch with me so I can put your children in my rickshaw and I like the Holland because I smoke much marijuana and in Holland it is not a crime to smoke this so it will be good to work for someone when I am always the stoned.

Please email me and we will talk more about the things which I have been said in the email.

A. Jones.

——–

I am awaiting a response. I’m pretty sure I’ll get the job.

Cocktail

2008-05-14T04:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I’m watching a film, I’m unable to stop watching regardless of how shit it is. We’ve all been there; it’s been blogged to shit already, but here goes…

Some films have this magic “x factor” which means no matter how bad they are, it’s not possible to turn away. Some films have bad scripts, plots and acting but good action sequences (Point Break, Face Off, Con Air etc.) so you just don’t care how God Awful the film is, it’s still pretty to look at- the action is good enough for the rest of the shit to just be funny.

Some films are worse still -with nothing to redeem them except some teenage flesh (Bring It On -definitely a contender for Worst Film of All Time, but I’ve seen it start-to-finish… three times.)

But the 1988 Hollywood Romantic Classic “Cocktail” is an enigma.

Cocktail is total, unequivocal bullshit. It’s 104 minutes of brain-addling garbage of the most crass, cheesy and shameless calibre. And yet it is amongst the greatest movies ever made.

Why? How can this be?!

In case you haven’t seen it, here’s what it’s all about:

Tom Cruise plays Brian Flanagan, an ex-army twentysomething Irish New Yorker who’s looking for work. He’s cocky, opportunistic and vain -characteristics which, by today’s standards, are unacceptable, but in the 80-’s were much sought-after commodities (everyone in the 80s was a bastard, it’s fact).

Anyway, Flanagan is trying to get a job in marketing (like everyone in the 80s) in New York, but keeps being told by prospective employers that this wont be possible without a college degree.

But young Flanagan is persistent and plucky, so he enrols on a business course at the City College and gets a part time job as a bartender to support his studies. After a shaky start behind the bar, Flanagan is a hit with the ladies and is twirling bottles of vermouth behind his back like he’s some kind of crazy, fucked-up circus-freak with a mouthful of massive white teeth that look like marble headstones jutting out of his weasely face.

His success behind the bar is thanks to Australian mentor-and-boss Douglas Coughlin (played by the dreadful Brian Brown; who comes across really well in this film because Cruise is just that bit more atrocious) who teaches him the mysterious secrets of the bar trade (secrets my ass; his so-called “wisdom” is both patronizing and painfully obvious and you sit there saying “Well, duh!” and “Shut the fuck up you slimy little prick!” whenever he’s on screen).

They frequently engage in dialogue like this:

Brian: I’m looking for the Manager.
Doug: What’s the problem? Did you find a hair in your quiche?
Brian: No, I’m looking for a job.
Doug: Ah, you’d like to put a hair in somebody else’s quiche.

Genius.

Flanagan and Coughlin, pursued by a plethora of attractive and promiscuous aerobicised 80s tottie, quickly become the talk of the town and Flanagan throws in the towel (see what I did there? As in bar towel?) at his college course and focuses full-time on being the best bartender in the world.

But there’s trouble afoot; Coughlin steals Flanagan’s girlfriend to settle a misogynistic bet they made over a game of basketball (Tom Cruise playing basketball? Like Steven Hawking competing in a triathlon. Hilarious.) and Flanagan leaves New York to go to Jamaica in order to raise funds for a bar he wants to open in New York (confusing, I know) called “Cocktails and Dreams (which is an even gayer name for a bar than “The Queer-Bear-Spunk-Fist-Rim-Bollocks Inn”).

Cut a long story short, Flanagan meets another women while he’s in Jamaica, nails her for a while then Coughlin resurfaces and they make another misogynistic bet and the result is that Flanagan sleeps with a much older rich woman. New bird catches him, leaves him, he goes back to New York with his Sugar-momma, leaves her, reconciles with his Jamaica bird, knocks her up, Coughlin shoots himself (he’s depressed or something, who cares?) and they all live happily ever after.

You see: 100% garbage. It’s just terrible.

my confession: The first time I saw this film I was about 10 and spent the next three years of my life aspiring to be a cocktail waiter (much to the amusement of my family and friends).

I bought a cocktail shaker (never really used it; it’s quite dented though) and a book of cocktail recipes from The Ritz (we never had enough of the exotic ingredients so they all had pretty much the same shit in them: vodka, martini, gin and various soft drinks like Irn Bru and Coke).

I even went through a phase of wearing waistcoats and trying to do that wide, cheesy, toothy Cruise-smile. This didn’t last (I have teeth like the blade on a chainsaw, very poor hand-eye coordination and a pretty unsophisticated pallet. It was never meant to be.)

At 13 I got a scholarship to secondary school and my dreams of being a Cocktail barman were gradually replaced by the infinitely more realistic goal of being a platinum-album-selling musician.

If you haven’t seen Cocktail before; here’s what I suggest: get baked. Like really, really baked.

Now watch Cocktail.

If you watch the film and convince yourself it’s a comedy, I guarantee you’ll love every self-indulgent, nauseating minute of this train-wreck.

L8r dudes.

Essex

2008-05-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

I found myself in a small market town in Essex yesterday.

It was a hot day, so people were wearing fewer clothes than usual.

Reclassification

2008-05-08T04:05:00.000-07:00

Gordon Brown is a cock.

Back in the post-Blair, anyone’s-better-than-that-warmongering-asshole days of Brown’s ascension, I was prepared to give him a chance. He’s a fellow Scot after all; and he used to be Chancellor –a job that very few people are smart enough to perform well.

I figured This Brown Guy would be alright.

I figured wrong.

In case you’ve been out of the loop; Brown commissioned an independent advisory council (paid for by the UK taxpayer) to present a scientific analysis as to whether or not marijuana should be reclassified, from Class C to Class B.

The advisory panel said “no” and proceeded to give a list of reasons why the reclassification was not necessary. But Gordon didn’t listen; he’s going to go ahead and reclassify it anyway. So now, all the tens of thousands of marijuana users throughout the UK can be imprisoned for five years for possession of a small quantity of weed.

FUCK

THAT

SHIT

I have a problem with this decision on a number of levels:

1.) It’s not the Government’s right to tell the citizens of an allegedly free nation what they may, and may not, put into their own bodies.

2.) There are hundreds of thousands of deaths caused by alcohol and nicotine every year; but there has never been a recorded case of death by marijuana. It’s simply not toxic enough. “Based on extrapolations from animal studies, the ratio of marijuana’s lethal dose to its effective dose is something like 40,000 to 1 (compared to 20 to 1 for aspirin and between 4 and 10 to 1 for alcohol).” –Source

3.) The Government’s Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs agrees that some strains of cannabis are stronger than they were in the past, there have been no studies that demonstrate a causal “link” between cannabis use and mental illness.

4.) “When you look at the evidence, both internationally and here in the U.K., it is clear that the drug classification system is a very poor vehicle for delivering messages to young people,” said Ben Lynam, of Britain’s Drug Policy Commission.

5.) Brown’s dressing this up like a social issue. Like weed causes crime –well, if you make possession of marijuana a crime then of course it does. Furthermore, young people are far more likely to misbehave under the influence of alcohol, which is readily available. If he’s reclassifying marijuana then it’s nothing short of hypocrisy to fail to reclassify alcohol.

The people I know who smoke marijuana are; for the most part; normal, functional people. Fair enough, the people I know who use it too much are a little fucked-up, yes –but nowhere near as fucked up as the alcoholics I’ve known.

Maybe excessive use of cannabis does make you go crazy; but the important word here is excessive. Excess is never healthy, whether it’s drugs or porn or driving fast or eating, excess is something which is worth avoiding. But it’s not illegal to drink yourself stupid, is it? It’s not illegal to drink and drink and drink until you look, sound and smell like some of the ruined little men who prop up the bar in my local. They’re proper fucked up. Why not use that argument to make alcohol illegal? What is the difference between the two narcotics, really? Why can’t adults in the UK be trusted to make responsible decisions for themselves? Where is the merit in banging up smokers?

I wont give too much away here, wouldn’t want to find myself in the can; but there was a time, a long, long time ago when I once tried a tiny quantity of marijuana. I treated the drug with the same respect and caution as I still treat alcohol -I wouldn’t drive my car, for example, when I was high. I know people who do; I know people who drive very well when they’re high –and this is one of the important things about weed; the ways in which it affects people are so diverse that it’s impossible to determine what the substance actually does.

The right-wing, camel-fucking dickheads who’ve never had a joint before and spend their spare time looking down on other people for their life choices (whilst secretly they masturbate out of windows and eat their own shit) assume that it turns everyone into giggly, ravenous, violent, zombies with no coordination. This simply isn’t true –one joint might make you giggle, another might not. It’s dangerous stereotypes about the perceived effects of the narcotic which are giving the substance such a bad name; and whipping up the media shit-storm which is raining down on us right now.

It makes me incredibly angry that we live in a knee-jerk, kowtow-to-the-tabloids, ball-sucking society that bans things left, right and centre to drum up public support for a failing regime of lies and hypocrisy.

Wake up people; what the tabloids are telling you is untrue. Marijuana is not a threat to society; Gordon Brown is a threat to society.

By allowing him to make this kind of decision, flagrantly ignoring the scientific fact which has been presented to him, you are losing sight of the fact that we did not vote for this man, we loathed his predecessor and the country is hurtling at ultrasonic speeds into a gigantic bowl of human faeces.

We must not obey bad laws; that is our duty as citizens of this country.

If Brown thinks reclassifying Marijuana is going to revive the economy, the police force, the education system and the NHS then he’s an even bigger dickhead than Blair was.

And that’s saying something.

The Worst Place on Earth

2008-05-06T04:03:00.000-07:00

Motorway Service Stations are (and have been for as long as I can remember) my least favourite places on the planet. In no other location is the disgusting, hopeless, vile nature of the human species more evident. Obese, stinking families waddle between computer games arcades and fast-food outlets, clutching trays laden with overpriced carbohydrates (no doubt stuffed beyond capacity with flavour enhancers, preservatives and hormones extracted from the testicles of urban rats) a glazed, moronic expression on their hideous faces.

You get to a service station; tired, grumpy and stiff, in the desperate hope that you’ll be able to relax with a cup of good coffee and recharge your batteries before concluding your journey. But you arrive in a concrete nightmare; a hopeless hell-hole of horror. All around you is the stench of Burger King, floor-cleaning agents and the ever-present sting of fresh and stale urine. “Imagine,” I once thought to myself “having to work in a place like this.”

I’ve made quite clear my feelings about motorway service stations. So you can only imagine my disgust and dismay when I learned I would have to stay in a Travelodge… IN a service station.

Actually in it.

I dislike the Midlands at the best of times; I especially dislike being there for “work reasons” during a Bank Holiday Weekend… the thought of spending an entire night of my life in a Travelodge in a service station in the East Midlands was a little more than I could stomach. I”ll cut-to-the-chase:

I arrived and checked-in. There was immediately a problem- despite having had the reservation for over a month, there were no “normal” rooms available; and I would have to stay in a “disabled-friendly” room. I said I didn’t mind -it’s exactly the same as a normal room, except there’s no sofa (I asked why this was the case: disabled people apparently don’t use sofas. i scratched my head a little and let it slide, though in all honesty it’s been troubling me ever since. Shouldn’t disabled people be even more into sofas than your average able-bodied person?) and there are these weird red chords everywhere which you can pull if you’re in need of help.

“Don’t pull them.” Said the revolting man behind the counter; the inbred offspring of a homeless necrophiliac and Umtbeck Hataar (World record-holder for “most zits” 2004 AND 2006)

I agreed not to pull them, mostly out of fear of entering some kind of physical altercation with this ghoul which could involve touching him or his pus/semen stained clothing.

Having put down my bags and been through my standard hotel-room-arrival-routine (stealing the extra pillow and the bath-towel… they owed me man, that place was gross) I thought it might be nice to have a bath. That, at least, would be relaxing. I’d run the bath, empty every single miniature shampoo/conditioner/shower gel/bath foam bottle into it in the hope of getting one or two bubbles out of the mixture and read my book. Nope: no plug in the bath. I thought about ripping the plug from the hand-sink (they’re fixed in with a bolt) but the sink plug-hole was smaller than the bath one so it wouldn’t have fit anyway. I stormed down to reception and knocked on the counter; no doubt interrupting the receptionist’s attempts to make love to a baked potato in the back-room or something.

“There’s nothing I can do about it.” He told me. “I have no plugs.”

I gave him a look that was meant to look scary, but I think he interpreted it as a come-on so I hastily departed and decided to take a walk to clear my head. But where do you walk to in the service station next to the East Midlands Airport?

I walked around the service station. There was a WH Smith, a Marks and Spencer “simply food” and a Burger King. And a lot of fat, repulsive bastards sitting around being more important than anybody else. So I figured I’d find some alcohol and get through the night in the simplest way possible.

Guess again.

There was no booze. Not in the M&S, not in the WH Smith, not in the fridges of the garage across the road… nowhere. No bar, no pub, no booze. It was only my raw, unconquerable masculinity which prevented me from falling to my knees and weeping.

I went back to my room, hoping that perhaps there would be a room-service menu or something. Something, -anything which hinted at some suspicion of alcoholic beverages being available somewhere nearby. But no, once again I was thwarted. The Travelodge had no bar, no restaurant, no cafe, no kitchen -no facilities whatsoever; even the “breakfast” they offered (and I use the word with a massive helping of irony) was delivered in a bag to my door the following morning. It contained a number of plastic boxes, one containing some instant coffee granules, another with some cereal and one more with some “milk”. This wasn’t included in the cost of the room -nope, this was an additional £5.

Which meant the entire experience cost the company £56. Ordinarily I wouldn’t care: not my cash -they can pay for it. But I couldn’t bring myself to allow anybody to go on funding this kind of warped, perverse operation. Upon my return I insisted that the secretary write a letter of complaint (which I in fact wrote) to the Travelodge demanding a full refund and pointing out in no uncertain terms that they should be ashamed of themselves and that everybody who worked there should be forced to walk, single-file, into the tireless blades of an industrial garlic-sausage processing machine.

After some editing by said secretary the letter was dispatched. I had done what I could.

Never stay in a Travelodge; least of all a Travelodge in a motorway service station. You have been warned.

Chat-Up Lines

2008-05-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

OK, I”m over my self-indulgent little grump and back to my self-indulgent little soliloquies. This one’’s about chat-up lines. Don”t like it? I care not.

I had the great privilege of accompanying my nice local friend “A” to the pub recently with two of her nice friends. As usual, we spoke in hushed tones so as not to attract the disgust, confusion and anger of the low-brow yokels who consider anything over two syllables as a personal insult to their culture and a straight-up declaration of war.

As usual, we spent hours pontificated endlessly about a great many subjects on which none of us really had the authority to debate. Least of all me, for though I talk a big game, I”m actually a bit of a philistine. But that’’s for another time.

Before too long, it struck me that I don”t often have the opportunity to talk to three intelligent “mature” (by which I mean old, but by putting it in speech marks I”m hoping it will seem less offensive; -though this little aside has completely crapped on that one…) ladies about male/female bar etiquette, flirting and “pulling”.

What I wanted to know was how women (over 30′’s) feel about chat-up lines; and which ones work and which ones don”t.

The standard response is “They”re cheesy and they don”t work.”

I was prepared for this answer.

The thing is: I”ve seen them work. I could never pull it off; I don”t have that suave charm, (I”m more Woody Allen than George Clooney) but I”ve known men who have managed to pull -just using a line. Sometimes a f***ing horrific, insulting line too. The kind of line which would land me with a black-eye, ruptured testicle, night in a cell and a criminal record.

What makes a line work? The ladies suggested it wasn”t the line at all, but the confidence and all that bullshit that I don”t really believe. It must be partly about the line; no? I mean, it wouldn”t be very good to just go up to a girl in a pub and start speaking gibberish would it (it’’s never worked for me). So I got to thinking about what the lines that work have in common and I reached some interesting, though completely unfounded, conclusions.

1.) Chat-up lines are cheesy, yes, but that’’s the point. If you can pull a horrendously cheesy-sounding line out of the bag and then turn it into a joke right at the end, you”ve broken through a barrier and, hopefully, created a chuckle. As was discussed in “Rodger Dodger” -the single most sought-after quality in men by women is “sense of humour”.

So how about this: “Did someone take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes? Cos I wanna take you home and *** your *** **** until you ****.”

Or something. You get the idea.

2.) The “yes ladder”. Not really a line, but stay with me on this one.

I want to make this completely clear- I have never managed to get this one to work. NEVER. That said, I read about it in an article in which a journalist used it successfully on Britney Spears (hot, late 90′’s-era Britney; not train-wreck, elephantine, I-wouldn”t-nail-that-if-you-paid-me Britney who looks like a plasticine model someone put in the microwave crossed with the deformed guy from the Goonies. What was his name again? Sloth?) The trick involves asking a series of questions to which you already know the answer is going to be “yes”. This is supposed to make your victim (you heard me) slip into a kind of sub-conscious yes-saying mindset which makes it easier to, you know, f*** them and stuff. My problem with this is that it makes me really, really boring. Thinking of questions which can only be answered with a “yes” is pretty hard; and unless your a body-language expert (which I”m not) I think this one’’s a non-starter.

3.) “Be yourself” is the response most women give when asked about how a man should best approach a strange woman. This doesn”t work if you”re a freak, so it’’s not even worth considering if you”re at all like me.

4.) Sleaze.

Be a horrendous chauvinist. Pick your target carefully, yes, but be as filthy as you possibly can. I”ve seen this work.

As I was thinking about this option, I thought I”d demonstrate on “A” to see what she made of my new idea for a line. I asked her to pretend she was a stranger and approached her, reaching for my wallet. I reached into my wallet and said: “I”ll give you £40 if you come home with me now.”

She was not impressed.

——-

So what did I learn? Very little, I was s***-faced by the time this happened (it took me a lot of negotiating to even get my demonstration £40 back). So what?! You don”t come here for wisdom anyway, you come to feel better about yourself by comparing my life to yours. And that’’s fine.

I”m done. Piss off now.

The Guardian

2008-04-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

OK, so I work in Press and PR for a “retail” company in the South West of England, right?

I was recently given an online demonstration of a news-wire system, which helps you find journalists who write about subjects connected with your outgoing press releases. During the demonstration I managed to see; and quickly jot down, about eight Guardian journalists who write about the industry I work in. (Cheeky, but opportunistic of me.)

The same day, I wrote a press release about a new area manager we’ve just taken on, who will be overseeing some stores in the north of England. He was in the army for about 3 months (10 years ago); and before working in the industry he had his own business selling fish, which he sold after a couple of years. He’s been selling stuff ever since. -Not exactly a Watergate story, but the kind of stuff I have to write and distribute every day.

Anyway, I thought I’d include (for shits and giggles) one of the Guardian reporters on the mailing list for this press release. Here was our email exchange:

—–

From: Me
To: A bunch of different “undisclosed industry” Trade Magazines, local papers and… The Guardian

Good Afternoon,

Please find attached the latest press release from my company
There is also a photograph of our new Area Manager; this is also available in high-resolution, please let me know if you would like to get hold of it.

Additional quotes from, or interviews with key personnel can be arranged through me at your request.

Thanks for your time,

Regards,

—–

To: Me
From: A Guardian Reporter

I have no idea how I got on your mailing list but I’d appreciate it if you took me off it immediately.

—–

To: Guardian Journalist
From: Me

Dear “Guardian Journalist”,

I’m very sorry that you weren’t interested in this story.

I will take you off the mailing list; please let me know if you would be interested in any other information about the UK’s 3rd largest undisclosed product company.

Thank you,

—–

To: Me
From: Guardian Journalist

thanks - I’m afraid grassroots-level staff moves are unlikely to make it into any newspaper.

—–

To: Guardian Journalist
From: Me

Even if he owned his own fish business?!

—–

To: Me
From: Guardian Journalist

ha! Nice try …

—–

And that’s how it ended. I told my Bro about this and he said:

“Please continue to harass and tease Guardian journalists. See yourself as a kind of karmic fury for all the annoying stuff in their smug little rag. You’re doing it for all of us.”

Never Go After the Ball

2008-04-25T04:02:00.000-07:00

The other night, after work, I got a friend of mine to drive me to a nearby beachside village called “undisclosed town near my home town” with my new rodeo kayak attached securely to the newly-fitted roof bars of my tiny little car. (She dropped me off and drove my car back home for me).

I proceeded to kayak around the coast, back to “undisclosed town where I live” (I think about 3 miles by sea) which was a bit of a frightening experience, rodeo kayaks being built for manoeuvrability, not long-haul ocean treks. Frightening and tiring.

When I arrived, about an hour later, at my beach (I say my beach; what of it?) there were a bunch of young, trendy, attractive surfer-types in the water being all cool and shit. I always try to stay out of their way; if there’s one thing a surfer hates more than other surfers, it’s anyone else in the water in/on any other kind of floating contraption. Surf-kayakers are particularly despised.

So I picked a nice clear spot and headed for shore. I was tired and sweaty, but slightly elated at having made it in one piece.

Just as I was approaching the beach, a really nice little wave started welling up around me, so I figured: “What the fuck dude?” and decided to enjoy it. Then I got cocky, which is the whole theme of this post. I Dug in my right-paddle to bring my bow side-on to the wave and, like, “ride it” dude. But I over-compensated, sent the bow too far back into the wave and was barrel-rolled to shore, which was as refreshing as it was embarrassing. but dry land under my arms and face was a relief.

I felt like standing up and shouting at the smirking surf dicks: “Yeah?! Well I just paddled here from St Agnes you assholes; I didn’t come here to surf!” But I didn’t. For I was in a good mood.

Having returned my kayak to my abode, showered and changed, I thought I’d head into town (on foot) to buy some pizza, Stella and some basic fridge supplies like milk and yoghurt. On the way back from the grocery store I noticed that a kid had kicked a football and that said ball was now rolling towards a parked Land Rover.

“Ha ha!” I thought, for I often think thus, “I can prevent that ball from going under that vehicle, for I am closer to it than they; and I can get to it and kick it before it is trapped beneath the Land Rover!” and for good measure I added another “Ha ha!”

My friends, never go after the ball. Unless the ball rolls directly to your feet, leave it alone -it’s not your ball. Too much could go wrong.

Long story short: I slipped, bashing both elbows hard into the tarmac, shattering my 1 Litre glass bottle of Stella and sending cherry yoghurt all over my groceries.

Which kind of shit on my picnic, if you know what I mean.

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What am I doing wrong? I just want to be friendly.?

What should we do about this prank call?

What Scientologists Say About Scientology

Some Freaky Shit

Holidays

A Link

Found on Gumtree.com

Blog Glitch Sorted

Square Zero

Guaranteed?

Cleaner Urgently Needed

A More Subtle Tack

Mashing Toads

A Letter to St Agnes Parish Council (Cornwall)

Pushing The Limits of Bad Taste

How Do I go About This?Posted in "Pregnancy and Parenting"

How Can I Confront Her About This?Posted in "Singles and Dating"

Giggletits

Responses To Artemis Jones' CV

AJ's Response to the Senior Recruitment Consultant:

AJ's CV

Artemis Posts a Singles Advert

New Blog!

Yahoo Answers Experiment Terminated

Yahoo Answers: So it has come to this…

The Troll Ups His Game

Yahoo Answers: The Best of the Rest

Yahoo Answers: Rumbled by Some Smart Arse

Yahoo Answers: I need relationship Advice from a Girl…?

Yahoo Answers: My Girlfriend Loves it When I Violate Road Safety Regulations…?

Yahoo Answers: I want to Confess but Don`t Know How…?

The Troll Continued

Yahoo Answers, Part 2

The Troll is Born

Yahoo Answers Part 1

Sex Discrimination

Wait a minute…

The FG/GMP Bordeline Suicidal Guide to Surf Kayaking

Bugout

Perceptions

Phone Games #3

Phone Games #2

Phone Games

Girly Roomshare

Artemis Jones Part 5

In Search of a Job

Artemis Jones Part 4

In response to those annoying “Penis Enlargement” things that keep happening.

Artemis Jones, Part 3

A Simple Misunderstanding

Artemis Jones… Part Two

Childish but Immensely Fun

Artemis Jones Part 1

Cocktail

Essex

Reclassification

The Worst Place on Earth

Chat-Up Lines

The Guardian

Never Go After the Ball

How Do I go About This?
Posted in "Pregnancy and Parenting"

How Can I Confront Her About This?
Posted in "Singles and Dating"