The Geek Files

I'm not envious of the office receptionist, not really anyway.

I have always thought of a car as a means of getting from point A to point B and very little else. I've been through three cars since I passed my test (1 write-off, 1 head gasket and one complete engine, clutch and gearbox meltdown) so I'm a little jaded -you never really own a car, you just "hire" it until it's too expensive to repair and then you move onto the next one. That's my philosophy anyway.

I tend to feel smug and superior in the company of people who go on and on and on about their vehicles like they're the only thing worth living for: for me life is too short and money too tight to "invest" in expensive automobiles.

So I drive a three-door Ford Fiesta 1.3l. Not unlike this one:

My bro describes it as "the little red roadster", which is kind of cute. The car has virtually no pulling power, but I'm of the school of thought that if you have to pull with your car then you've probably got quite a small cock, so I'm not all that concerned about the dweebiness of my car just as I am quite comfortable with my masculinity. The Fiesta is bright red and has 41k miles on the clock. Should last a few years and it's easy to maintain, so what the fuck?

Still, the 19-year-old receptionist ("Baby Wookie" to us) drives an Audi TT, which whilst being slightly gay, is definitely a bitchin' ride. this confuses me: I might not earn a lot, but I know it's more than a receptionist -so what's going on there? not that I care. Honestly.

So where am I going with this? Well, I'd like to discuss all the cool shit I've decked out my ride with. A humble car it may be, but I've definitely made it my own. Here's how: First up, I have a bumper sticker:

This is Cornwall after all, we like our pirates. I got the sticker in Penzance; and whilst being extremely funny it also serves as a safety device; warning drivers behind me of what I'm likely to do should I see any saucy wenches.

Next up, I have a badass roof-rack, for getting my surf kayak from beach to beach and river to river. It's completely awesome and rock solid. Occasionally a passenger of mine might stand up too quickly when exiting the vehicle and get clipped round the head with it, but otherwise it's completely rocking.

My kayak almost matches my Little Red Roadster in colour and, weirdly, in shape.

Blasting around the country lanes with that rig is, in my devestatingly educated opinion, far more awesome than prancing about in an Audi TT.


Next up we have all the wicked shit I use on the road.

I have a Hewlitt Packard SatNav, which is robust and simple. I don't like to rely on it (any more) so I also have an up-to-date AA road map with me at all times. Everyone should know how to use a map, but every now and then (driving in central London or any large city you don't know so well) a SatNav can be really handy. Maps are good at telling you where you should go, SatNavs are good at telling you exactly where you already are.

I have an old-school MP3 player, which holds 40GB of my music at any given time, and also stores album art (and other pictures) and plays videos. It's chunky, like a little black brick, and I attach it to my dashboard with a Velcro pad.

The input for charging my MP3 player is exactly the same as the input for my SatNav, which is probably the most useful thing to have ever happened, anywhere, to anyone ever. Long journeys when the SatNav is fully charged, I swap the charger to the MP3 player and I have perpeptual music and navigation. Sweet.

The MP3 player plugs into my extremely humble sound system via either an FM transmitter or a tape-deck converter, depending on my mood and the availability of fully-charged AAA batteries.

Next up: my power system. I became enraged when my cigarette-lighter power output cable broke (well, the fuse went) so I decided to think laterally and invested in a Belkin "AC Anywhere" 300W power inverter, which I'm planning to fit with straps in the passenger foot well, like a fusebox. The device means I can charge my laptop, phone or MP3 player/SatNav with their standard three-pin chargers without ever worrying about those pesky in-car adapters. Awesome.

So that's my tech stuff pretty much covered, but there's plenty of other stuff I always have in my car, just in case:

1.) I keep an oil rag wedged between the air filter pipes under my hood. This means I always have something to wipe off the dipstick with when checking my oil. This might sound obvious to most people, but it's extremely handy and many thanks to "the G-Man" for teaching me that.

2.) I always have my Exponent Bivvy-Tent in my boot, because you never know. It's smaller than a sleeping bag when rolled up, only has one sheet and got be put up in the pouring rain in about 6 minutes without the inside getting wet.

3.) My French army surplus sleeping bag rarely leaves my boot. It has a plastic sheet stiched to the underside, which not only keeps you dry when sleeping in it, but also means you can store stuff inside it when it's rolled up, with no risk of water damage. A must at £20.

4.) Two slingshots and several thousand 9.5mm and 6mm ball bearings.


5.) A spear gun, snorkel and fins. When travelling I take my wetsuit & wetsuit gloves with me too. Just in case.

6.) My fishing bag, complete with two rods (three-piece spinner, 9-piece fly) as well as a filleting knife, flies, lures, lines and tackle.

7.) A 20l water canteen, mainly for the windscreen wipers and the radiator, but also for emergencies.

8.) A big bag full of ropes, straps and ties so I can always fix stuff to the roof of the car. Also good for bundling firewood.

9.) Two dry-bags (canoeing class) to ensure I can transport stuff safely in wet conditions. Also handy for putting wet clothes inside after use.

10.) A rugby ball and boots. And a frisbee.

11.) A good book.

12.) Cigarette lighters and newspaper.


13.) Neoprene wellies.

14.) A lightweight waterproof jacket.


15.) A complete change of clothes and several extra warm layers.

And that about does it.

So Baby Wookie can take her TT and shove it.

FG