This tutorial is designed to give you the best possible advice about how to anger people on the internet. If, like me, you find that the rage of others gives you strength (and sometimes even turns you on a little bit) then this is information you MUST know.
1. First up, you must not break the law. I'm fucking serious. In fact, I'm so serious that:
*Gophuramungus Productions Accepts No Responsibility For Anything, Ever*
So don't tell people they should do harm to themselves or others, don't tell people how to make weapons or drugs, don't advocate anything illegal... ever. That includes inciting people to commit crimes. That's when this game stops being funny and starts getting people into trouble.
Once you have fully understood the first rule, you are free to wreak havoc.
2. Write under an alias. It's not YOU who's writing these terrible things, it's some fictional person. Artemis Jones, for example, doesn't exist. He's all made up. He's not real.
3. People are really angered by grossly generalised comments. "All women are irrational and can't reverse park" is a good one. So is: "All Christians are perverts." -Try to think of something a stupid person might say, then say it.
4. Pitch to your audience. If you're on a right-wing, Christian web forum then talk about all the inter-racial, pre-marital sex you're having. If you're on an animal lover website, talk about the animals you hit when you're in your car and the joy it brings you. Think laterally.
5. Find allies. There are lots of us "trolls" out there. Many, many people have sick senses of humour. Find them, befriend them, agree with their craziness and send them our way. While you're at it, contact us and tell us about the mayhem you're causing.
6. Vary your characters. Keep it fresh. Use Yahoo Answers to ask offensive questions, then post ridiculous forum threads on a completely unrelated website. Skype complete strangers and pretend you know them really well. Email big companies and pretend they're escort agencies, keep changing your style and subject: KEEP IT FRESH.
7. Record EVERYTHING and blog it. We'll be happy to provide you with a blog if you like and a link from our "Team" page. As long as you're recording it all, it's part of a project and you're in the clear. As soon as you start doing this for the sake of it, you ain't no friend of mine.
8. Try not to give out your real identity. Not even to loved ones. This makes your writing more free and less self-concious and it exonerates you.
9. Don't get pissed off. You're supposed to piss people off, not the other way around. Keep a cool head and never break character.
10. Be proud. This is a noble tradition. Good trolls are few and far between. Take a little pride in your work, you deserve it.
Welcome to the club. Let chaos reign.
Other Priceless Public Responses to the Furious Gopher Blog:
"If I had to sum it up in one word I'd want to say ridiculous, but somehow that's not quite insulting enough. "Retardulous" might be more fitting."
-Some smart-ass punk.
"I read this blog and then I killed my neighbours puppies. That's how it made me feel."
-Former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair
"Why should I care about this dickhead's bullshit? I got bullshit of my own, man. If I wanted to listen to some self-important pseudo-intellectual with pretensions of superiority and a hugely inflated opinion of himself, I'd tune into Radio 4."
-Some twat.
"It's a dismal, pitiable attempt to get attention; a vile, offensive and pretentious rant from the adolescent mind of someone old enough to know better. I suggest you avoid it."
-The Southport Sock Man, Lancashire
"Weird, disjointed, pathetic and deeply, deeply disturbing."
-Henry Adams, Derbyshire
"Total shit."
-Dan Anderson, Leeds
Anon, June 08
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