A Letter to St Agnes Parish Council (Cornwall)

Dear St Agnez Parish Council,

I am writing to be the one who is going to be inform you of my intention to establishing the first ever private gentleman's club, right here in St Agnes. I was discuss the plans with the currents owner of the proposed site, who told me a number of things about something you call "planning permission".

I am an Eastern European and so are many of the ladies who I will be bringing to lives in caravan to work in the club, so I am unfamiliar with your customs. I have plenty of finances to put into this project, so I am sure there will no being the issue with "permission" as he said.

Here are my intentions:

1.) I will be buying some land in St Agnes very shortlies.
2.) I will be construction (with help from cousin and brothers) a big concrete building.
3.) The club shoulds be open in October.
4.) The club is for the pleasure and satisfaction of many gentlemans who wish to visits.
5.) I will employs only the peoples from my countries.
6.) The clubs will be open for 24 hours in the days. (I have had been doing the researchers and have found that this is to be allowed)

Please can you be telling me what else I must be doing to make this projects come to true?

Thanking you in advances,

With much love,

Artemis Jones

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Sadly, there was no reply (within 24hrs) so Artemis forwarded the email to the Cornwall County Council. Here's what happened:

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To: Artemis Jones
From: Cornwall County Council
05/08/08

Good afternoon

Thank you for your email.

I have forwarded it to Carrick District Council, the planning authority for St Agnes, for their attention.

Regards

NAME REMOVED

NAME REMOVED

Receptionist

Facilities Management

Tel: REMOVED

Email: REMOVED@cornwall.gov.uk

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Then there was this response:

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To: Artemis Jones
From: Someone@carrick.gov.uk

I am not knowing what sites in St. Agnez it is you are not talking about, sow it is that more information is wanted.

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Maybe I overdid the foreign typing bit, but, not to be defeated, Arty pursued this one all the way (after a quick bit of research into which properties were on the market).

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To: Someone@carrick.gov.uk
Form: Artemis Jones

Hello SOMEONE,

Thank you for reply to me!

I am hoping to buy a property on Goonvrea Road in the village to make into the building which I have been told you about.

I am wish to destroy the property and replace it with the concrete gentleman's club which I have been told you of in the last times we had been emailing to one anothers.

They say I need to ask you and people for the permission to do this and some people have said that the kind of club we will be open will not be very happy for the peoples in the town, but we have plenty of monies and therefour I am sure neither of the things which have been suggested will be a problem because I definitely have many more money than you or than to anybody else who is saying that we cannot be do this.

Pleasing to be back in touch with me when you have been red this.

Thank you,

With all my loving,

A Jones

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From: Someone@carrick.gov.uk
To: Artemis Jones

Hellow You.

I wood sujest that be4 we go eny further you tell me what is a gentlemen's club. What is it you do with the gentlemen, where do they do it an how many times do they do it anf hoo do they do it with.

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From: Artemis Jones
To: Someone@carrick.gov.uk

Dearing Man,

A "Gentleman's Club" is a place for the men to go when they feel tired, uptight or otherwise feel like things are not going in the way they wants them to be going for.

The mans will go there to excape from the wives or from the girlyfriends and to be with ladies who do not talk so much and are nicer to be looking at than the ladies who he is be look at when he is in his own home unless he has sky televisions but you cannot touch the womens on sky so the club is better than the televisions.

They can smoke cigar, drinking the whisky and the vodkas and enjoy a range of difference servicings from the ladies which are to be for the enjoyment of the man.

My job inside the building of the club is to hiring the staff and to make sure that there is not going to be being a lots of the mess in the places.

In answering to your other questions; a healthy man may want to be going to the place of the gentleman's club up to four times every day but we will provide special discounts for these men who use the facility so oftenly.

They may be wish to be going with their friends, but they can also be going on their ownselfs. The music will be loud eastern europe folkrock played through a deck of 700watt Marshall amplifiers installed through the walls of the concrete club.

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From: someone@carrick.gov.uk
To: Artemis Jones

It being the case that this is a green country I wood sujest that u not makes the uses of sutch biggermost watts and that you look to investigate the uses of a crystal set like that witch can be got from a porn shop in Eastern Europe and we will see u wen yu get back.

Bye

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To: Someone@carrick.gov.uk
From: Artemis Jones

My Goodest Man!

I am please to be happy thanking yourselfs for the advise.

You did making my day very nice.

I will be get into the touch with your departmental when I am back from the search for the crystal that you say is in Europes, though I am a little piece frightened because my cousin Achmalack liked to smoke the crystals and now he is very thin and looks like skeletons and laughs all of the times at many thing which are not really in the room.

Anyways, I having been wasted enough of your precious timing so I must be off now as my fliying in the plane will be leaving Newquay later in this day so I will taking the opportunities to say that I am thank you and you have made my project very much happy.

Good luck with the everything.

A Jones

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