The Troll is Born

Yahoo Answers Part 1

July 8th, 2008

I have a new toy.

Sometimes, when I want to find out a piece of information quickly, I`ll type my exact question directly into my Google search bar. For example:

“How many lbs in 14 stone?”

-Try it. It is well ace man.

Well, one day I was checking out this feature, actually to do some research for a blog I was writing; and found myself directed to “Yahoo Answers” –a kind of community forum for Yahoo Mail account holders.

Well wouldn’t you have guessed it; Artemis Jones has a Yahoo Mail account, so I thought it would be a good idea to start using this marvellous question-asking system as quickly as possible.

The system works like this: you are given 100 points for signing up to the Yahoo Answers service. You are then deducted points for every question you ask and awarded points for every question you answer. If someone selects your answer as the “Best Answer” to their question, you get loads of points. If you select someone else’s answer to your question as the “Best Answer” you get points too. What fun. If you get enough points, you go up a level and you get a whole load more rights and privileges and stuff.

The people who answer questions on Yahoo Answers are numerous and varied. For the most part, however, it seems like everybody wants to be awarded “Best Answer” so you`ll get answers to questions you post within mere minutes of putting them online. These people seem so eager to please, so intent on getting more points that I simply have to mess with them.

Plan Number One: Song Lyrics.

Basically, I ask questions from songs. Silly, I know, but incredibly fun.

“What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?”
Is one I asked early on. Here are some answers I got:

“just hold your head high and move on. Theres too many fish in the see to give up on one”

And

“If it was really love, it will hurt horribly for a long time. The best thing to do is CUT ALL CONTACT!! You will always have feelings, but over time the pain will go away.
Once it”””’’s gone, move on.”

And

“Look at it as a chance to take you life back! Go do what you want, when you want.. It”””’’s not like you””””ll never fall in love again… also take some time to look at yourself and any faults that may have caused this broken heart and challenge yourself to fix them.”

Though I awarded “Best Answer” to someone who (correctly) put:

“who have come and now departed”

-

Yahoo answers is totally addictive and I really recommend it for anyone who likes to wind up strangers on the internet. Other questions Artemis has asked include:

“Why Can`t We Be Friends?”

“What you gon` do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?”

“He was a guy, she was a girl; can I make it any more obvious?”

And, of course: “Do you know the way so San Jose?”
(A lot of people did, though most people recommended MapQuest.com)

-

Things take on a slightly more sinister tone when you start asking questions which sound real, but aren’t. Here’s one Artemis posted today:

What Should I do about my Neighbour`s Wife?
I`ve been having a very hot passionate affair with my neighbour`s wife for about six weeks now. She`s about 15 years older than me, but she`s totally smoking hot and she does all kinds of crazy stuff that`s like, “wow” fully, totally awesome. Thing is, I go bowling with my neighbour every Friday and I don`t know how long I can keep up the charade. And he`s a cop. And he`s much, much bigger than me. But she says he doesn`t satisfy her (you know, like, in the sack and stuff) any more, which is why she and I are getting down to it so often. My neighbour found my wallet at his place the other week and I had a really hard time explaining why it was there, I think things are about to get ugly. What should I do?

A lot of people knew fine well that this was nonsense, but not everybody. Here`s my favourite answer so far:

“run f*cking run. move even. why would you get involved like that? especially with a neighbour who”””’’s hubby is a big cop sorry but your a tool. x x x”

-

Another time I pretended that I was Tom Cruise in Cocktail, relayed the entire plot of the film and then asked people what they think I should have called my bar. (The correct answer would have been “Cocktails and Dreams” but people didn`t get that).

The sad thing about my ongoing exploitation of this system is that every now and then I post a question which I would genuinely like a bit of help with, like “What should I do about my job?” or “Should I get a parrot or a kitten?” –Things like that. People are so forthcoming and earnest (probably because there are points at stake, though we should ignore that for the purposes of this outro) that it`s really encouraging to know that people are going to answer your questions as soon as you post them.

Kind of restores one`s faith in the species. A little.