Artemis Posts a Singles Advert

Posted on Gumtree.com, in the dating section.

Be Afraid

Yo, what's up mah bitches? I'm Artemis, but my friends call me "Art" "Arty" or sometimes "Fartemis".

I'm not going to shit you around or anything like that -I'm into well weird stuff. I like to be fed strips of raw meat when I have sex; ideally venison but whatever's available is usually fine.

I like to be lied to by my partners; however pedestrian the lies are, I love it. One girl used to lie to me about what was in her handbag. Drove me wild man.

I have a special pair of shoes (of my own design) which are basically modified high-heels. They have a series of different strengths of spring at different points in the sole which enable me to bounce quite high, something I like to do when getting intimate. I also like listening to recordings of small animals being tortured, I find it both soothing and erotic. I have a really good sound system for this purpose, just as well I don't have any neighbours! Ha ha ha ha.

I have a lot of trouble getting into the mood unless I set something on fire first, so on my bedroom floor I have a 1/100th scale model of the White House which I pour lighter fuel on right before I get started and burn for a few seconds every session. I get through a lot of fire extinguishers, so I need a girl with access to fire extinguishers. Maybe a firewoman?

I'm looking for a girl of 30 - 50 with dark hair and ideally an amputee to have really disturbing sex with. The kind of sex that makes people go "wow, that's not right man, that's kind of weird" you know what I mean? Think of Jeremy Beadle and Noel Edmunds double-teaming Anne Widdecomb to the soundtrack of The Passion Of The Christ and you'll have some idea of the kind of stuff I'm into.

So if you're up for crazy but terrifying times with someone 1/8th of an inch from being a full-blown psychopath, I'm your man.

Please form an orderly queue.

AJ