In Search of a Job

Artemis Jones Part 4

In case you didn’t know; I have a friend called “Artemis Jones” who’s looking for a job.

Recently he found this advert online:

Live-in nanny full time position starting in September 2008.

Family (London) looking for a long-term full time Nanny. Please note it is not an au-pair position.

We have 3 children: DETAILS REMOVED FOR PRIVACY REASONS
You must love children, have lots of energy, be organized and tidy, reliable, have fluent English (Italian or Spanish are a plus).
Previous experience with more then one child essential, driving licence (mainly to drive in Europe – right end side) and swimming are a must.
European passport or visa that allows you to travel freely in Europe and generally around the world is essential as are checkable references. Get ready to travel to new places…

Our previous nannies have been with us for long periods of time (4 and 3 years) and we are looking for someone who would enjoy being with us for a while.
We understand privacy is important to everybody and we fully respect that in our family.

Would you be interested in discussing the position, salary and other details, please do contact me by email at EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED

Regards
NAME REMOVED

And the reply:

FROM: Artemis Jones
To: NAME REMOVED
Subject: Nanny Position

Dearling Woman,

I am liking to apply for the position of nanny to sort out your children and your home.

I am not very fan of the childrens, but I know you are agreeing with me that I speak very perfect English and I am organized and tidy: I like to organise things a lot, especially things that were untidy before and I make them tidier! I can not speak Italian or Spanish but when I was a smaller man I made up a new speak language which is much better than both these languages and I can teach you but it will take a longs time and you will need to work very hard and be disciplined but it is worth it because only I know how to speaks it.

I have experience with more than one childs -once I drove many children in a bus into a wall but a lot of them were OK so it is very nice. Everybody was surprised that I did not break more of bones because the bus was very travelled quickly into the wall and the wall was very broke. Anyway, you saying that I must have a driving license, but I am not allowed to be driving after the bus time which I was said about, but I know you will still want to be hiring me because I am much better than the other peoples who are apply for the position.

You say I must be swimming. I do not like to swim. As a babies I was made to swim a lot because the house we lives in back in those day was always very wet and my room was in the basements which was also very wet. So I know how to be swim but I like to stay dry when I can.

As for the passport and visas, I am not even supposing to be in the Untied Kingdom, but I am here now; so I know you will agreed that it does not matters that I do not have a passport and visas because if I am here now without these things then it is OK for me to be anywheres else without the same things and it is all fine. I do like to travel to new places though, I went to see Dentist for the very first time yesterday but he made my mouth hurt and I did some bowel on his chair because I was frightened of his drilling and mask and he made me go before he was finishing with the things that have been wrong in my mouth. But normal I like to travel to new places.

I know that I will enjoy being with you for a while. I like to hug people often and sometimes I like to hug people I do not even know at alls because I am so friendly. I do not know the “nanny position” as you say but I am fan of many positions which I can show you like dog and lotus and cowgirl and others which I can be show you. I will need lots of privacy because some of my projects are very private and some of the projects do not smell so good either and my squirrels need more attentions in the evening when they become very active and I must be around to prevent them from getting gays with each other or with different pieces of furniture around the place which sometimes is be stained.

I like to cook.

I will need about £40,000 per year to pay off debt and to invested in my experimental cross-breeding projects which are not successful now because the police are always be taking away many of the animals I have been tried to make into my families.

You can email me here and tell me when I can begins take care of you and your childrens.

A. Jones

——

Hopefully, this time, he’ll get the job.

NEWS: He did actually get a response this time:

Sent 03/06/08: “What about right now or… I correct myself… In onether life…”

Which I think is someone’s attempt at humour -an encouraging sign that there is life out there.