Childish but Immensely Fun

Artemis Jones Part 1

OK, so this is really, really childish, but I can’t seem to help myself. Messing with people I have never met before is like a drug to me and I can’t kick the habit.

Here’s how this little thing started: I get emails from a company which recruits workers from the UK for jobs throughout Europe. I’m quite interested in moving to the Netherlands at some point, so I’ve set up this account to send me jobs from various places throughout that fine, flat country.

I got this email recently, and responded (below) from my Artemis Jones account immediately. (Artemis is one of my fictional dudes, used for silly juvenile nonsense like this. The picture below is a shopped image made from a real photograph of someone I found on the internet using the search criteria: "very ugly man").

Here Goes:

Original Email:

Category: Jobs Offered
Region: Somewhere in Holland

1 — Looking for an Au Pair starting in September

We are a Dutch family living in “undisclosed location” looking for a female Au pair starting in September.Knowledge of the English language are required and Dutch would be an advantage.
We have 3 children, (information removed for privacy purposes. They’re all girls under 10 though). The duties and rooster for the Au pair would be monday to friday and to prepare the children for school in the morning, some average household and ironing and picking the children from school in the afternoon.
Weekends are always free except for an occasional babysitting and the position offered is Living in. we provide good facilities and the Au pair also has her own private bedroom and bathroom. Buses and trams are readily available and we live 10 mins. form the city centre and the beach.we are looking forward to hearing from any interested candidate should our profiles match.

Furious Gopher’s Response (Writing as Artemis Jones)

Hi there!

I am replying to the advert which was sent to me from the website that sends out the adverts to the people who are members of the club which the website is.

I cannot speak any Dutch and my English is quite poor. I am not woman either; but I think I am the perfect man for the job. Here’s why:

Since graduating from rehabilitation in 1998 I hardly smoke any crack. My parole officer advised me not to talk to children or be near to them; but I am fond of the challenge and have much love to give and to share. There was not even enough evidence to convict on the second case, so for all you know I have never even killed a person! So I am good.

It is good that you say the afternoons would be free, for I have many different things to do in the afternoon and my squirrels are not going to be feeding themselfs!!!

I am no longer allowed to drive car, but I have a rickshaw which I use a lot so I could be taking your children away from their school and to different places in the rickshaw and it will all be very very well.

I am a good house-guest, my squirrels are not noisey but sometimes they make smell but it is ok, it is a good smell. I have never used “iron”; since the accident I am very very afraid of them; but I would be willing to try to iron things if ironing is very important, but I think I can be convincing you that ironing is stupid and unnecessary and you should never iron things.

Sometimes I may be missing for a while; I am sorry to have say but I will not always know when I may have to be going missing. I do not always be remembering where I go, but I am always back again and I am good at the appearing unexpectedly which people say is much fun!!!

I like the beach and you are near to beach so this is good. I like to bury things in the sand at the beach and sometimes I cannot find them again!

I hope you feel our profiles match I am very looking forward to you being back in touch with me so I can put your children in my rickshaw and I like the Holland because I smoke much marijuana and in Holland it is not a crime to smoke this so it will be good to work for someone when I am always the stoned.

Please email me and we will talk more about the things which I have been said in the email.

A. Jones.

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I am awaiting a response. I’m pretty sure I’ll get the job.